Hannah and Her Sisters

God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes.

She looks so sexy in that sweater.

I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her,

and tell her how much I love her and take care of her.

Stop it, you idiot! She's your wife's sister.

I can't help it. I'm consumed by her. It's been months now.

I dream about her, I think about her at the office.

Oh, Lee. What am I gonna do?

I hear myself mooning over you, and it's disgusting.

Before, when she squeezed past me in the doorway

and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck...

Jesus, I thought I was gonna swoon.

Easy. You're a dignified financial advisor.

It doesn't look good for you to swoon.'

Elliot?

- Elliot? Sweetheart? - Mm?

Have you tried these? They're wonderful. Holly and her friend made them.

Fantastic. Your sister is an unbelievable cook.

I know, I know. She has all the cooking talent.

- No, you've got tons as well. - I've eaten five of these.

- Holly, why don't you open a restaurant? - Mm, we practically are.

Well... not a restaurant, but... April and I are gonna do some catering.

- What? You're kidding. - No, we decided.

Perfect.

We like to cook for friends, so... until an acting job comes through,

we could make money doing private parties.

- Great idea. That's where your talent lies. - I know.

Get outta here. Could I speak to you privately?

I'm her husband. She tells me anything.

Hannah, I need more money. Don't get upset.

- I never get upset over that. - This is the last time.

- I'm keeping strict accounts. - Please, don't insult me.

- Someday I'll pay it all back. - I know. How much do you need?

- $2,000. - Uh-huh.

I know it's a lot, but April and I have this catering idea. It's gonna be great.

You admit that we're great cooks.

In order to get started, there are a few things to buy and some old debts to pay.

Just tell me one thing. Are we talking about cocaine again?

I swear. We've already got some requests to do dinner parties.

Obviously I'm not gonna be a caterer for ever. We both still go on auditions.

Something could come up at any moment, but the parties are at night.

I can still take my acting class. I haven't clone drugs in a year.

Mom and Dad are floating down memory lane again.

- Have you tried Holly's shrimp puffs? - They're fantastic.

I need an antihistamine for Mom's asthma before she turns into Camille.

Mom's Camille when she gets up in the morning.

- At least she isn't drinking. - Doesn't she look great in that dress?

She knows it cos she's flirting with the men.

When she's 80, she'll stop straightening her garter belt when there's a guy around.

- Where's the antihistamine? - Elliot's got them somewhere.

- Frederick didn't come with her. - When does he ever?

He's such an angry... He's such a depressive.

- I thought she was moving out. - I don't know.

Watch out, you guys! Beep-beep!

Your kids are so adorable. It gets so lonely on the holidays.

Oh, gosh. Well, that's why I invited Phil Gammage tonight.

- Hannah, he's such a loser. - He's not a loser at all.

- He's the head of Daisy's school. - He reminds me of Ichabod Crane.

His Adam's apple jumps up and down when he gets excited.

He's a lot better than your ex-husband. He's got a good job.

- He's not a dope addict. - Give me a break.

- Am I interrupting any sister talk? - Mm-mm.

Good, because there are no interesting single men at this party.

Well, listen. Maybe April would like Phil. Phil Gammage? The tall guy?

Oh, yeah, I met Phil. He looks like Ichabod Crane?

I love that. That's my type. No, really!

No, we mustn't get discouraged.

Hannah will invite some men over who don't look like Ichabod Crane.

Maybe at Christmas, or if not Christmas, New Year's, or maybe next New Year's.

Ouch!

- It must be here some place. - Oh, you know?

I love that book you lent me, "The Easter Parade".

You were right. It had very special meaning for me.

How's Frederick? He didn't come.

You know Frederick, one of his moods. But it wasn't a bad week.

- He sold a picture. - Oh, great.

Yeah, it was one of his better drawings, a very beautiful nude study.

Actually, it was of me.

It's a funny feeling to know you're being hung naked in a stranger's living room.

But you can't tell it's me, although... You're turning all red, Elliot.

Oh, really?

- So what else? What are you up to? - I don't know.

My unemployment cheques are running out.

I may do a course at Columbia with the last of my savings.

- Like...? - I don't know, exactly.

Sociology, psychology maybe...

I always thought I might like to work with children.

Incidentally, I always have clients who are furnishing places.

Someone might be interested in buying art. Shall I call you?

Yeah, sure. Frederick would really be grateful for a sale.

Guys, dinner's ready!

You look so beautiful. Doesn't she?

I bumped into your ex-husband on the street the other day. He's still crazy.

- He was on his way to get a blood test. - Mickey's such a hypochondriac.

I wonder how he'd handle if there was ever anything really wrong with him.

Now, ladies and gentlemen...

Dad! Dad!

- Dad! - No, now this is a toast...

This is a toast. This is a toast.

You know, this beautiful Thanksgiving dinner was all prepared by Hannah.

I had a little help from Mavis. Also, Holly and April...

No, no. You did it. She did it.

And we drink to her,

and we congratulate her on her wonderful accomplishment during this last year.

Her great success in "A Doll's House".

Hurray!

I played Nora. I'd hate to tell you what year.

And it's very difficult to behave like Torvalds little chipmunk

without making a perfect ass out of yourself.

Now, I think that Ibsen would've been damned proud of our Hannah.

Speech! Speech!

No, no. I've been very, very lucky.

When I had the kids, I decided to stop working

and just devote myself to having the family, and I've been very happy.

But I've always secretly hoped that maybe some little gem would come along

and tempt me back on the stage just for a second.

Now I got that out of my system, I can go back to the thing that makes me happy.

Bravo! Bravo!

Is it my imagination or does Elliot have a little crush on me?

It's funny. I've had that thought before.

He pays a lot of attention to me all the time.

And he blushed tonight when we were alone in the bedroom.

I wonder if he and Hannah are happy.

It's funny, I still feel a little buzz from his flirting.'

- Want some coffee or tea? - No, thank you.

- How about something to eat? - No, nothing.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

What am I gonna do with you? God!

Why didn't you come tonight? We all had a terrific time.

I really think you would've enjoyed yourself.

I'm going through a period of my life where I just can't be around people.

- I didn't want to abuse anyone. - You wouldn't. They're all so sweet.

Lee, you are the only person I can be with,

who I really look forward to being with.

You're too harsh with everyone. You know that, don't you?

- Isn't it enough that I can love you? - You're such a puzzle.

So sweet with me, and so contemptuous of everyone else.

There was a time when you were very happy to be only with me.

You wanted to learn everything about poetry, about music.

Have I really taught you everything I have to give? I don't think so.

Elliot said he might have a couple of clients for you.

I'm sure those morons he handles have a deep feeling for art.

You never know, they might. He was just trying to do the nice thing.

- Because he likes you. - Me?

Yeah. Elliot lusts after you.

Based on what? You never even see him.

Based on...

Whenever you see him, you come home full of books he's recommended.

- Or films you must see, or... - Oh, no, no. He's my sister's husband.

I think if you gave him half a chance, you'd like him. He's very intelligent.

He's a glorified accountant and he's after you.

And I prefer to sell my work to people who appreciate it, not to rock stars.

You understand?

- They won't let us do the sketch? - Standards & Practices say it's dirty.

We showed them the rehearsal. They just figured out what the words mean?

- Mickey, we got a half-hour to air. - The show is five minutes short.

- How? We timed everything long. - With no sketch, we're ten minutes short.

- How can they do that to us? - It's because our ratings are low.

- I have a migraine. - Hey, Mickey! Listen.

You better go to Ronny's dressing room. He took about 1600 Quaaludes.

- I don't think he can do the show. - Why me, Lord?

You Standards & Practices? Why, all of a sudden, is the sketch dirty?

Child molestation is a touchy subject...

- Half the country's doing it! - Yes, but you name names.

- We don't. We say "The Pope". - That sketch cannot go on the air.

Hey! Who changed my sketch about the PLO?

I had to make cuts. It's four lousy lines.

- The whole premise is ruined! - It's not so delicate.

- Everybody's married to every line. - I don't care! Don't tamper with my work.

- OK... - You want 'em cut? I'll cut 'em myself.

Mickey, listen. Instead of the child molestation sketch, why don't we repeat

the Cardinal Spellman-Ronald Reagan homosexual dance number?

- I don't feel good, Mickey. - What did you do? Swallow a drugstore?

- I lost my voice. - Oh, Jesus!

Ronny, you know, you do have to go on in 25 minutes.

Does anybody got a Tagamet? My ulcer's starting to kill me.

You want a Quaalude?

Christ! This show is ruining my health.

Meanwhile, my ex-partner moves out to California

and every stupid show he produces turns out to be a big hit.

Brother, what am I gonna do with my life?

Speaking of that, I gotta remember to see my ex-wife tomorrow.'

- Hi. - I know, I know.

- Glad you could put in an appearance. - I got two minutes. The show's killing me.

I got a million appointments today. It just fell this way.

- I gotta see new comedians... - Just two minutes on your sons' birthday.

- It's not gonna kill you. - Happy birthday, fellas!

Daddy brought presents!

Hey, a little hug? What is this? How about a little action from the kids?

- How is everything? - Everything's good, everything's fine.

OK, you can open the presents now. I wanna get a little reaction.

- How's Elliot? - He's fine.

I'm trying to convince him to produce a play. I think he'll find that satisfying.

I like him. I think he's a sweet guy, the few times that I've met him.

Cos he's a loser. He's awkward and he's clumsy, like me.

- I like an underconfident person. - This is really nice.

- He's been wanting a mitt. - You have good taste in husbands.

Thanks. That's a beauty!

Isn't that great? Come on, let's go!

Go out by the Sung vase and catch this. See?