Titanic 2000

*

*

When will I find my queen?

When will I find the one who is

strong enough to accept my eternal gift?

*

Mistress, it is time.

We must move swiftly.

Like the vampire bats over the Transylvanian Alps

we must fly.

Like the wild caribou stampeding over the snows

of the Kilimanjaro we must run.

Like sands through the hourglass

these are the days

Yes, yes, yes!

I understand.

I get it.

We must move on.

*

So, gentleman, here's to the success

of the greatest venture of the millennium,

the new and truly unsinkable, TITanic.

Here, here.

And now a toast to the important people.

To Mr. Blatant, without whose money

andwell, whose money the world's greatest ship

would not have been built.

Yes, yes.

Good show, sir.

Damn right.

The only land lover with barnacles

big enough to do it.

And, of course, Mr. Smythe

whose genius and steady hand designed and built her.

So, gentlemen, are we ready to sail

from New York to England?

Aye aye.

Smythe, why aren't you happy and cheerful,

and kissing my ass like everybody else, why?

Why?

It's just that a couple things

are bothering me.

What on Earth could be bothering you?

And don't give me any of that tortured artist crap.

What is it?

What, what?

Yes, son, out with it.

It has to do with some of the corners we cut

in order to make room for the unforeseen extras.

Which unforeseen extras?

Which, which, which, which?

Well, the solid gold steering wheel for one.

Why not?

Why shouldn't I have a little something extra?

This is my last voyage.

After this, I'm retarded.

Well, due to that enormous and quite frankly,

grossly unjustified expense, having a solid gold

steering wheel, I was forced to make

a few questionable changes in the construction

of the Titanic.

Oh, no, not the lifeboats.

You didn't cut down on the lifeboats, did you?

No, no, nothing so insidiously moronic as that.

Well, what then?

I was forced to finish portions of the ship's hull...

with aluminum.

Good God!

That was the only material available.

Well, what the hell is wrong with aluminum?

It's a good, solid, flexible metal.

Certainly a lot better than let's say plexiglass.

Plexiglass is not a metal.

Shut up, worm.

Yes, sir.

Quiet.

There is one other minor problem.

Being, being, being, being, being?

Well, I know you wanted to bring your

automobile along.

I will bring my automobile along.

I've had that car with me everywhere I've gone

since high school.

But with the ship being booked to capacity

I'm sorry, it can't accommodate

the extra weight.

The weight of the 14 lifeboats

is equivalent to the weight of your car.

Hmm.

Rosen, lose the 14 lifeboats.

What?

The car stays, the boats go.

But, sir.

Don't "but" me, I "but" you.

I'm the buter, you're the butee.

I'm the man who buts.

I'm the man and I say the boats go.

And now it's time for this bootlicking dog boy

to empty my colostomy bag,

unless, of course, we have to leave that behind

because it carries too much weight.

*

Deny a man his piss bag, would ya?

Come on, Shag, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on!

*

I could go for another.

*

Shari, Shari, you forgot my bag, didn't ya?

What the fuck?

Wow, Glitter.

Look, isn't that the most beautiful ship

you've ever seen?

Yeah, it's fucking great.

Did you bring the hemorrhoid cream?

My ass is killing me from that taxi ride.

Honey, we're going to go on the most beautiful vacation,

and all you can think about is your ass?

Well, what you want me to think about, your ass?

Well, I do from time to time, my love,

but this time isn't one of 'em.

Did you bring it?

My ass is killing me here.

Yeah, it's next to the toothpaste.

Look it, I'm walking funny here.

Come on.

Well, would you look at her.

We're gonna sail up on this puppy

and not a moment too soon.

If we don't sink her.

What did you say?

No, but it's just that, you know,

with all of your luggage.

Do I detect a hint of snootiness?

Snootiness?

No, merely disdain and contempt.

Unseaworthy scowl.

Did you just call me a cow?

Madam!

I would never presume to be so injurious

to our four-legged friends of the cud chewing persuasion

by making such a comparison.

You know what, Mr. Man?

I like you.

You got cojones.

Ha ha.

Not for long.

You're the kind of man that'll say

whatever's on his mind.

I like that.

Then you'll love this.

Would you kindly back up as your horrific breath

is beginning to melt my eyeballs.

Ha ha ha.

That's right, buddy, hang the rich.

Well, I'd be pissed, too, if I hadn't won the lotto,

and had to carry around some old stinkin',

filthy rich bastard's bags.

That's terrific, madam.

Now, if you'll kindly find reverse and recede

before my hair does.

Oh, sure thing, honey.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

How's that, darling?

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Ha ha, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Ah, look at 'em, pathetic bags of flesh.

Each one more disgusting than the last.

I swear to Christ, I'd rather be

heading out to sea with animals.

At least with them you can hide the sausage

without all the Goddamn fuss.

Captain!

Captain, yoo hoo!

Peanut, I thought I told ya to stay below.

I'll ring your bell good for this.

Oh, won't you?

I'm so lonely and bored.

What about all those magazines and music

that I left you?

Now, stone yourself.

Go on!

I won't.

I won't, I won't.

I won't be hidden away.

I won't leave you alone until you make me your wife.

The sea is the only wife I'll ever know.

Now, get below before I send you

to Davy Jones's locker.

Oh.

A nice stinky locker would be great about now.

Oh, go on, go on.

And don't pester me anymore.

Why don't you put on that red silk kimono

that I brought you from Newark,

and wait for me, below?

You, poop.

All right, son, step up, don't be shy.

Come on, you're next, you're next.

What have you got in the bag?