Single Parents

I can't believe the kids won't tell us

what they're going as this year.

Like, I'm having the shin-sweats just thinking about it.

Must be a group thing with the five of them.

But nothing obvious.

Rory can't stand first-thought ideas.

Don't even get him started on the name "Cheesecake Factory."

Well, let's see.

We have three girls and two boys.

I don't even know why I'm trying to figure it out.

I really could not care less.

All right, Miggy, you're sure you're good

to hand out Halloween candy at my house?

It's a big job.

You gotta keep it spooky,

which is an acronym for "Scary," "Paranormal," "Oh, no,"

"Oh, God," "Keep that thing away from me," "Yay!"

Chill. I get it.

I open the door, I hand out candy, I close the door.

Jack and I got it covered.

You made him the volleyball from "Cast Away"?

Yeah, I wanted someone to talk to.

Miggy, you can talk to your son when he's in regular clothes.

- We're ready! Here we come! - Oh.

Are... Are you guys j-jury duty?

Oh, God. They're us.

I sell books about wine.

More or less, yeah.

I have a law job and I drive a minivan.

Cool. She gave me two things.

I'm 10 feet tall.

You know, I couldn't even buy jeans

until the Internet was invented.

I hate sand in my shoes but like keeping my baby alive.

Yo, this is like "SNL"!

Could someone be a mensch and pass the schmear?

I don't get it. That's not me.

Okay, that's you.

Yeah, but why is she doing me Jewish?

You aren't Jewish?

No.

It's your essence, though.

I always get my own schmear.

02x06 - Welcome to Hell, Sickos!

Look.

I just put the finishing touches on our pumpkin.

Oh, this looks great.

Everybody, check it out.

It's Ruth Bader Ginsburg

shoulder-pressing two smaller Ruth Bader Ginsburgs

shoulder-pressing even more Ruth Bader Ginsburgs.

It's a fractal.

Oh. Everything's gotta be something now.

Oh, which reminds me, before anybody moves,

can you all wave hi to Tracy for her birthday video?

- Hey. - Happy birthday.

Hi. Awesome. Thank you.

Sophie, I want you to tell everybody

I want butts in seats and pumpkins on laps in five minutes.

Okay, wait, so, it's Tracy's birthday?

Yeah, she's having a party

at some weird bar called The Padded Cell.

She's got family coming in from Poland.

No, they are not bringing sausage,

and, yes, it was offensive to ask.

Oof. Caught between your girlfriend and your kid?

It's been totally fine.

I went to her directly, and I said,

"Are you okay with me missing your party?"

And she said, "Yes."

Hey, you know I want to be at your birthday,

but it's Halloween.

That's okay, right?

Yaiyse.

Oh, honey.

"Yaiyse" is not a yes.

When there are that many letters in the word "yes," it's a no.

- So, you think she's upset? - Ya.

See how few letters my "yes" had in it?

That's how sure I am.

Aw, man. I thought I was balancing

the whole kid-girlfriend thing perfectly.

All right, look, the trick is

that you have to make Tracy feel like she is a priority,

even though this is the most important night in the kid year.

It's like in "The American President," right?

The country comes first,

but Andy still can't completely screw over Sydney.

Okay. So, how does that...

Girl, that is one of my favorite movies.

You want to watch a scene real quick on my phone?

Uh, yes.

Well, that's women for ya.

You know, they're quick to point out a problem,

and then when you need a solution,

they're watching Michael Douglas on their phones.

Okay, I need to figure this out.

I think I can actually make it to Tracy's party,

drop in for a quick hello,

and make it back to the school in time for the Jack-Off.

The what now?

Well, that's what the kids have started calling

the jack-o'-lantern contest.

Breezing through, you're not gonna be able to make both,

not with Halloween traffic.

This is what you do... You get Tony to drive you.

He's insanely fast.

He was the stunt driver on "Smokey and the Bandit" 1 and 3.

But not "Smokey and the Bandit II"?

Mnh. Didn't like the script.

Daddy? They're coming.

Oh, great. Um, Sophie,

I-I think I'm actually gonna be a little late to Halloween.

Why?

Um... when grown-ups

are in an adult relationship...

- He has to go pick up Life Savers. - Mm-hmm.

But you'll be back in time for the pumpkin contest?

- Oh, yeah. - We're gonna win this year, for sure.

First-place prize is a $30 gift card to Denny's.

Life Savers?

It's right there in the name.

All right, all right, let's go.

Everyone leaving for Hilltop, please step forward. Uhp!

Not so fast, Mom and Angie.

Rory and I have something to say to you.

We've decided that we're big kids now,

and we can handle Halloween without you.

We're telling you in front of other people

so you won't make a scene.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Okay, bye, Mom. Don't have a meltdown.

See you later! You'll be fine!

Don't worry about us.

Just gifted us a girls' night.

So get out of here so we can start partying.

All right.

A whole night to ourselves?

What do you want to do?

Mm-mnh-mnh. You want to, uh...

cry?

Yeah.

Our kids just ditched us.

Remember, buddy, Will's counting on us.

Keep it spooky.

Trick or treat!

And to you, too. Booooo!

Is that it?

Yeah. Why?

- This is Will Cooper's house, right? - Mm-hmm.

We've just come to expect more.

He really put on a show last year.

I-I can do it again.

I think maybe you didn't hear the "boo."

We heard it.

- Is Will coming back? - No.

Oh. Where is he?

He's...

dead.

Oh, my God.

I know. Spooky, right?

Well, I mean, it's terrible. But how did he...

We did it, buddy!

So, Douglas, it was your job

to decorate the classroom for Halloween.

How many G's did you drop on fake cobwebs?

Wait, I was supposed to decorate?

You were supposed to elaborately decorate.

You're the Room Parent.

Well, there's nothing scarier than disappointment.

There. I did it.

I am 8, and I am brave.

So, you did decorate?

You were just teasing us?

You nimrods impressed?

Our dad did this.

Uh-huh.

Come on.

Well, Douglas.

As your President,

I would like to formally apologize for doubting you.

I didn't do any of this.

I don't know how this stuff got in here.

Wait. But if you didn't do any of this, then who did?

No idea.

So, it could be some dangerous psychopath

who's still lurking on the premises?

- Well, nothing's off the table. - Oh, God.

I don't want to die dressed as you.

Ugh! This is the worst Halloween

since everyone dressed as Left Shark from the Super Bowl.

Bottle me.

Just some teens partying on the golf course.

Mm. Teen partying.

Remember just making out in front of your friends?

- Mm-hmm. - When did that stop being a thing?

Man, I can't believe Graham and Rory are already over us.

I thought we had more time.

And if they think we're lame now,

just imagine what they're gonna think of us