Two and a Half Men

How long are you gonna keep punishing me for this?

Okay, okay, uh, once again,

uh, I did not technically have sex with your mother.

You want to catch me up?

Melissa, are you gonna let me talk?

Well, you know Alan was nailing his receptionist, right? Yeah.

Apparently, she caught him in bed with her mother.

Are you gonna let me talk?

What do you know?

I've been calling him that for years,

and now he's up and done it.

I-I was not responsible for my actions.

I was stoned out of my mind.

You know, that excuse has never once worked for me.

Me, either.

Cops or boyfriends.

No. Hey, hey, hey,

your mother put enough pot in that banana bread

to treat every case of glaucoma in the San Fernando Valley.

I have a recipe for macaroons.

Very similar.

I was so high, I didn't even know who she was.

We were just colors.

I was red, she was blue.

We were trying to make purple.

Honey, my phone's dead. Can I borrow your cell?

Sure. It's on the coffee table.

Thanks.

Okay, so-so bottom line,

I was drugged and molested by your mother,

and I'm the bad guy?

Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?

Yeah, who'd have thought, of the two of us, I'd be the one

to end up in a healthy, stable relationship?

Who is Rachel,

and why is she sending you topless photos?

Um...

Yeah, who'd have thought?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men.

You want to explain to me

why this woman is sending you naked pictures of herself?

I'd love to explain it.

Go ahead.

I said I'd love to.

I didn't say I could.

Are you sleeping with her?

No, no, of course not.

Then why the pictures?

Uh, well,

my-my-my-my... my best guess would be

that, like a lot of girls,

she wanted to show off her new boob job.

That's your best guess?

Well, you wouldn't understand

because clearly, God has blessed you

with this great bounty.

Damn it, Charlie, I want to know...

Excuse me. I am on the phone.

: Shh. Alan's on the phone.

Don't shush me.

Who is this Rachel?

Nobody really.

I used to go out with her way, way before you and I met

and I fell so deeply in love.

Head-over-heels in love.

Puppy dog love. Woof!

Hang on, Melissa.

I couldn't hear anything after "You son of a bitch."

Does this Rachel know you're engaged?

Um...

Think long and hard

before you start lying to me.

I was. That's why I said, "Um..."

Charlie...

She doesn't know. Why not?

Boy, you're gonna keep this flapjack

on the griddle, aren't you?

Berta, would you give us a minute?

Oh, you're gonna need more than a minute.

So long.

I'm gonna miss you.

What are you talking about?

She's not going anywhere.

Are you? Where-where you going? Chelsea?

Chelsea, wait.

Can't we just put this behind us?

I-I swear I'll never make out with your mother again.

Let's face it, Charlie.

We both knew you were gonna blow it eventually.

I didn't. I had my suspicions, but I wasn't sure.

I wish I could say the same. Good-bye.

Oh, please don't leave.

Oh, please don't hang up.

I love you!

And I love you, too.

* Men.

Sure you don't want a drink?

No.

When I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me feel worse.

Yeah, see, the trick is to drink past that.

Not a sprint, it's a marathon.

You ever think we're both doomed to grow old alone and unloved?

A couple of pathetic bachelors

with no one to talk to but each other?

You ought to do ads for this stuff.

So, are you gonna tell me what happened with Chelsea?

I can show you.

Chelsea found this on my phone.

I ask you,

is that worth breaking an engagement?

Oh!

It's worth breaking a spine.

Were you sleeping with this girl?

No. No.

She just sent me a few pictures.

Oh. Well, then, why'd you keep 'em?

All right, all right, all right.

But you got to understand the-the message

that this sends to Chelsea.

Other than, you know,

"Got milk?"

But I'm not cheating.

There are other forms of cheating.

There's, uh... there's, uh, flirting.

There's fantasizing about other women...

Oh, come on.

Fantasizing is not cheating.

To women it is.

They-they don't like the idea that

you're mentally replacing them with someone else.

What if I'm mentally supplementing them

with someone else?

You know,

like I'm making love to Chelsea,

and in my mind, Rachel here is just helping out.

She does look very helpful.

Nevertheless, I-I can understand

why Chelsea would take a dimmer view.

Yeah, well, I think she overreacted.

In fact, I think she owes me an apology.

Really? So, you're just gonna sit here

and wait till she comes crawling back,

are you? Yes, I am.

And then, because hell will long since have frozen over,

we can go ice-skating.

It's good that you have a plan.

Now if you will pardon me,

I have to go pick up Jake at his mother's.

Oh, good.

Just what we need to brighten up our weekend.

A large, sullen teenager

with gas and questionable hygiene.

There's nothing questionable about it.

There we go.

Over the hump.

* Men.

She's my mother, Herb!

I want her here when I have the baby!

Yeah, well, I don't need yet another woman in this house

yelling at me, calling me an idiot!

My mother doesn't yell, you idiot!

Okay, I'm gonna let that pass because you're pregnant!

Don't you dare blame this on hormones!

What's my alternative, Judith?!

Accept the fact that I'm an idiot?!

Oh, hey, Alan.

Is this a bad time?

They're all bad.

Seven-and-a-half months of bad.

Don't you walk away from me.

Well, I'm sorry. I was answering the door!

That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell.

Hi, Dad. Bye, Mom.

Good luck, Herb.

Bye, Jake.

Wish I was going with you.

I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

* Men.

I could get used to this.

Don't.

As far as Charlie is concerned, mi casa es mi casa.

All right, I've ordered your pizza.

I'm going home.

Thanks, Berta.

Ordering a pizza and going home--

two of the three things you want in a woman.

And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

I'll tell you what I wonder.

I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough

to stick your tongue

in the mouth of a 60-year-old woman.

Zing!

Boy, I just love this male bonding.

Giving each other the old business.

The old business?

Yeah, you know, the needle,