McMafia

This programme contains some violent scenes

Good God, Mr Vadim,

I finally managed to drag you away from Moscow.

Come.

My enemies have made it harder for me

to transport my heroin from the north.

I'm looking at alternatives,

but if I continue moving my product through Mumbai,

I need to be sure that the route is really secure, Mr Chopra.

Nothing's changed, I own the port authorities, I own the police.

In Mumbai...I'm God.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Philips Children's Charity

would like to thank you for your generosity and urge you to be

even more generous in bidding for our charity auction prize tonight -

a dinner date at Harry's Bar with supermodel Natalia Balakin.

APPLAUSE

Let's start the bidding at £5,000.

Where's my brother?

5,500.

6,000.

6,500, thank you very much, sir.

- Godman. - £7,000... - Yes, that's table seven.

£7,500.

- £7,500. £7,500. - Don't be embarrassed, like your brother.

Come on, Katya, I need a wife. 8,000!

- £8,000... - Eight. Yes! - The gentleman over there. - What?

It's a good, it's, it's a good...no?

It's a good price.

Besides, if a Russian gives to charity, they call him

an oligarch instead of a crook.

- Hi, Mother. - Hi, dear. How are you doing?

She's flirting with me.

How are you, Papa?

- Hi, Uncle Boris. - Hello, hello.

Hi. Yes.

When will you start to speak with me in Russian?

When your son teaches me.

- I will teach you. - Oh!

My son and his sister speak Russian like children.

14,000.

£14,000.

- See my new wife there? - I thought business was bad, Uncle Boris.

Business is lousy. Well, 15,000.

- £15,000 to the man in the white suit. - Mwah!

Papa, you're in England, you can't talk like that.

- Hey. - Hi.

What did Papa say?

Don't ask.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

You should check on Papa.

No. One more dance.

Go and sit with him.

No. Only if you'll dance with me.

Come on.

You should buy Becky a new dress.

Mama, it's Rebecca.

You should buy your girlfriend a new dress.

She works for one of the richest men in the world

and still dresses like a student.

Come on.

No, I told Alex he was crazy, that he should have stayed at Goldman.

- Well, it's a good thing he doesn't listen to you. - Yeah.

Well, I cannot help it, you know, I am his Yiddisher Mama.

Of course, now he's an English gentleman,

so he wants nothing to do with me.

He doesn't realise his fund is doing great

because he has all your contacts to invest.

Oh, he turned in all my contacts too.

Oh. I have a friend in Israel, he's very interested in investing.

We're too small for your friends.

You ever know what he's thinking?

He's got this beautiful smile, but underneath maybe he's thinking,

"Screw you and your friends, Uncle Boris. I don't need your money."

I know.

I appreciate it.

"I appreciate it." He's like a wall.

I should practise tennis against him, huh?

Bjorn Borg, huh?

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

- Da. - Vadim is still alive.

They've flown him home.

Papa?

Think that's going to be me.

- Oh, it better not be. - Oh!

Hey, I'm the one who's drunk and you can't find your keys.

I can't find them, I can hear them.

Oh, God.

Phew!

I think there's something up with my uncle.

Mm, like a bottle of vodka.

Sorry.

I'm worried he's having money problems again.

Well, he's always having money problems.

Bjorn Borg.

SHE GIGGLES

You want me to be Bjorn?

My Swedish is worse than your Russian.

Oh, get off me.

- PHONE BUZZES - Oh.

Mama, hm?

Mama, it's one o'clock.

How did he get up there again?

I didn't see, I was watching TV.

Hi, Papa.

No, thanks.

No.

Come on, Papa, please.

Mama's worried.

Come on.

COMPUTER PINGS

ANIMATED CHATTER

According to sources, the funds under investigation include

Drake, Klatyaman, Warchus Naylor, Godman Capital.

Well, that's crazy, we've never invested in Russia.

I've already had three investors asking to redeem their capital.

Have the FCA been in contact?

No, not yet.

Well, then, where the hell is this coming from?

Tell your investors that the story is completely untrue

and that the FCA is going to vindicate us.

Karin, don't you know some guy at Bloomberg?

- We don't speak any more. - Ask him who is spreading these rumours.

Hi, Uncle Boris, can I call you back?

I just saw the article. Is everything OK?

- I'm not sure yet. - Someone in Moscow planned this to hurt the family.

I don't think so.

Listen, you don't have to take everything on your shoulders.

- I'm here for you, too. - I know. - I love you.

I love you, too.

I started the fund from scratch, I never took a penny from my family

or their friends, and I've made it a policy not to invest in Russia.

It's because of my family background

I've been careful to be completely transparent

and have always maintained the highest ethical standards.

Well, forgive me, but perhaps if you'd chosen a different name,

you wouldn't have had this problem.

Alan, a competitor started a false rumour.

If you invested, even in the short-run,

it would restore confidence.

And I'd obviously give you better terms than in normal circumstances.

What does your boss think?

You know Sydney doesn't invest in emerging market funds.

I know Sydney's usually right about everything.

We've given our clients excellent returns.

I know, Alex, I've done my research. You're very good at what you do.

But here's my problem.

When you say you haven't broken any sanctions, I believe you, 100%,

but I'm not sure that anyone else will.

If you were American, or German, or Spanish,

then you would issue a denial and that would be the end of it,

but because of where you come from, these rumours tend to stick.

And that's why I'm asking someone with your reputation to invest.

Well, if you're asking me for a favour, then the answer is no.

But if you're offering me a share of your business,

then that is something I'm willing to consider.

As long as we change the company name.

Uncle Boris. Good to see you again.

- How you doing? - I'm good, how are you?

Are you sure you don't want any?

This gives you stamina, you know,

- it's like Russian Viagra. - I'm sure.

Geena!

With this red soup, you bring sour cream, not fresh cream, please.

You got it right last time, you can do it again.

- Pardon, sir. - It's all right, don't be so sad, I'm not angry.

And get me a fresh bowl, too, please? Thank you, Geena.

Well, I think the Daronis could be interested.

They're Russian.

Well, they haven't been home in 15 years.

I need an investor with no links to Russia.

I, er...I could ask my friend in Israel, that I told you about,

Semiyon Kleiman, but I already told him

that you're not looking for any new investors.

And what does he do?

He made his money in shipping and in entertainment - nightclubs.

What kind of nightclubs?

What kind of question...? The ones you dance in, OK?

And he's not Russian any more, he's...he's Israeli now,

he's a member of the Knesset.

If that's good enough for Mr Godman, huh?

Thank you, Geena.

OK.

So serious. How do you get her to smile?

Do you remember when I used to pick you up at boarding school,

when your papa was busy, how much I embarrassed you?

- You never embarrassed me. - Oh, yes, I did.

..in front of your friends and I kissed you on both cheeks.

You answered to me in English and you tried to shake my hand.

You got to go back to London in your Bentley.

- Yeah. - I had to stay there for the rest of term, get called a Yid.

I know, I mean, you did what you had to do to survive -

you always have - and I understand it.

It is embarrassing to be Russian these days,

but don't ever be ashamed of who you are.

Da?

Da.

So what does this friend of your uncle's do?

He's a politician...

..made his money in shipping.