The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

- Do you want to have a baby with Todd? - I'm sorry?

You said no, right?

I want to have a baby with you.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Um...

so how are we... gonna do this?

First of all, the most important thing here is your comfort.

Okay, so...

Can I get you some water? Another pillow? Sock slippers?

- I'm fine. - What about the room temperature?

Is that fine for you?

Because I can make a fire, get you some sock slippers...

- Guys, I'm fine. - Back off, Melissa.

She's fine.

Sorry, Todd.

Just so we're clear...

uh, we're not talking about actually having sex.

No. No, no, no, no. No, no. Absolutely no.

You know, the... we're gonna approach this like a...

like a business transaction.

- Sure. Whatever. - Okay, great.

So-so, my, um...

c-company...

is-is gonna, uh... uh, manually, uh, produce

as-as much, um...

uh... product

as-as it can possibly generate.

You know, w-without me passing out.

A-And then my company is going to,

mm, deliver, uh, my product

to your company's... loading zone.

And then your company is-is going to

just basically, uh, uh...

baste the whole store with, uh... product.

Yeah, could you stop calling it "product"?

Absolutely.

What... what's-what's a better word for "product," guys?

Uh, "yield."

- "Overhead"? - "Deliverable."

- "Output." - "Export"?

- "Download"? - "Income."

"Splutter"?

- "Confetti"? - "Bonuses"?

Or "reams," like paper reams.

Top o' the morning to ya, bud!

Nice, uh, leprechaun skirt.

Healthy airflow for the old, uh, bag and pipe, huh?

It's nothing compared to what Erica's got to do.

You know, vitamins, diet, exercise, all that stuff.

So, word on the street is that you're ovulating right now.

I mean, that's not really how it works, bud.

But, yeah, um, Erica's ovulating.

- Erica is... Oh, okay, okay. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay. I guess I... I'm missing...

- Ovu... ovulating... - Women ovulate. Men don't.

All right. And, uh...

I'm assuming you've been refraining from masturbation?

- Yep. - Good. I mean...

got to hold on to that self-abuse juice, knowasa?

- Huh? - Knowasa?

- What? - Yaknowasaa?

- I'm sorry, I can't... - Do you know what I'm saying?

- No, I-I don't. - No. That's what I'm saying.

- Oh! - "Do you know what I'm saying?"

- Oh. - Knowasa.

Got it. Got it. No, no.

And I have been holding off.

Oh, good, good. Why waste it in practice?

You got to save it for the game, knowasa?

I do now, bud. Well, I better get to it.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, hang on, bud.

'Cause Carol and I have a little surprise for you.

Ooh, perfect timing.

- I just finished. - Well, hopefully

that's what Todd will be saying in a few short minutes from now.

Is that a...

- A masturbatorium? Yes, it is. - Worked well for us,

so we thought we'd pay it forward.

- Ah. - Let me take you through it.

It's no secret that we could use

a few more gentlemen in our world,

so I wanted to give you something

to help you visualize a male result:

Images of some of the best traits

that mankind has to offer.

Like the genius of Albert Einstein

and Benjamin Franklin,

the panache of Elvis Stojko,

the stature of Robert Wadlow,

and the robust presence of William Howard Taft,

Grover Cleveland,

and Donald Trump, our three fattest presidents.

So when you're masturbating, just picture these men.

Okay. Thanks, Carol.

Now, in terms of lotion,

got a lot of options here for you.

But I've gone ahead and preselected

my personal favorite.

A 2012 bottle of Golsten Farm's Shea Butter.

Provides fluidity of motion

with just the right amount of purchase.

Goes without saying, it is paraben-free,

and she's got one hell of a nose on her.

Here. Get in there. Come on.

- Now, get in there. - Mmm.

- See how she opens up? - Mm-hmm.

Here, dance with her.

Yeah. That's fine.

Yeah, well, this is my stop.

Oh, sure, sure. Here.

Yeah.

O Captain! My Captain!

Oh.

Okay, Todd, well, I'll leave you to it.

Okay. Thanks, Carol.

Okay, now, the first thing you're gonna want to do

is to part your pubic thatch and locate your body's dong.

You got it, bud?

Next, you're gonna want to think

on some kind of alluring scenario.

Bad pitch: You're walking on a polar ice field,

and you come upon a stranded dogsled team.

All the dogs are dead... natural causes... but...

Sorry, bud. C-Could I get a little privacy?

Oh, yeah. You got it, bud.

Everybody, be quiet!

Todd's about to masturbate!

Right now!

Quiet!

Hey, girl.

Oh. Hey, Melissa. What's up?

I just wanted to thank you.

- Oh. - Todd's smiling again.

He's laughing. He's just... he's happy.

And it's all 'cause of you.

- Oh. - You're...

just an angel.

- I'm not an angel. - You are!

You are.

Okay.

Well, thanks.

God, I just feel so close to you!

Like, we've been friends for a while now,

but I think now it's time for us to be...

friends friends, you know?

- Yeah, I-I guess so. - 'Cause, like,

when's the last time we just dished?

Or-or did, like, really silly girly stuff,

like lip-synched into a wooden spoon

or just, aah, got tangled up in ribbons?

Oh, I think, I think...

- never? - What do you say

we boogie down the street, get some candles,

burn them down, and make new candles.

Am I right, queen?

Yeah.

You know, I think I'm just gonna...

- stay here and fold clothes. - That is so you!

You're so funny. God, you just...

you just put me in such a silly mood.

Like, I just want to, aah, like, wear a giant tie.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah, you will.

- Okay. - Big-time.

- Peaches? - Peaches.

Five.

Green beans?

- Mm, zero. - Oh, good. Who needs them?

Well, the babies, for one.

And Todd, if he's trying to produce some quality product.

How about you guys can divvy up my share, and in return,

I'll just take all y'all's rest of your chili.

Speaking chili, what we got?

Ooh, bad news on the chili front.

Just this one.

Homestyle beefy with extra beef? Yes, please.

- Mom. - Hand it over.

Mom. Look at this gas bulge.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Carol, a big bulge has never scared off Gail Klosterman.

So, I'm-a take my chances.

Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting.

You know, I'm just gonna go pick some fruit.

Ooh, how'd it go, bud? Did you produce?

Hot dang, the juice is loose!

Hey, give it to me. I'll go run it over to Erica.

Okay, but be careful.

Ooh, heavy.

Grizzle jizzy, bud. Great job.

Make way! Spermatozoa coming through!

Special delivery for one Ms. Erica Dundee!

Oh, uh, sorry, Gail.

Nope. I'm sorry, but I'm under strict orders

to bring this to Erica.

- Just give me the bag. - Oh, God.

I hate it, too, Gail. God, I hate it,

but, yeah, I got to follow "procotol" here.

Do you mean "protocol"?