White Famous

- I've been seeing someone. - Hey, y'all.

Here's what's been happening on White Famous.

- I hope you were nice to him. - Nice to him?

Why's it my job to be nice to him?

Can you get my son in private school?

- Which one? - Broken Arrow.

I know half the board. That's a phone call.

You got in. They just called!

- I got in? - Yeah.

The admissions lady said

some bigwig called and put in a good word.

Am I your first married lady?

- What now? - You didn't know?

- Amy thinks the world of you. - Amy?

- You've been cuckolded. - Who is he?

I will have him hung, drawn, and fucking quartered.

You were so funny in that movie, by the way.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, almost too funny, really.

Foxx wasn't pleased.

Yo, just do it, man.

Man up. Make the fucking call.

Yo, what's the worst that could happen?

I don't know, Balls. Do I really want to be that guy?

Yo, why the fuck not, man? Be that guy.

Being that guy is gonna get you the answers to the questions

- that's plaguing your black ass. - Maybe it's better not to know.

Give me the juice out there, please.

Man, why you giving this motherfucker

so much power over here?

'Cause he's the star of the movie, that's why.

He's also a game show host.

And more importantly,

he's a fucking man, just like you.

So what, he got a fucking Oscar and a-a gold Bugatti

and he gets his hog polished anytime he damn well pleases.

Who the fuck wants that shit anyway?

Wouldn't be special anymore, and getting your hog polished

is supposed to be special.

Okay, "hog polish" is not in nigga dictionary.

Drop it, all right?

And I'ma make this call,

but just to shut you the fuck up.

- Hello? - Hey, Foxx.

What's going on, man? It's Floyd Mooney.

- Who? - Floyd Mooney.

You know, from the movie?

- Which movie? - Molested.

Ah, shit, that was, like, two movies ago already.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, man.

- Is this Foxx or not? - Nah, it's AJ.

AJ? Who the hell is AJ?

Foxx's executive assistant.

Oh, okay, well, is he around?

Yeah, but he's, uh, meditating.

Oh, word, I know how that shit go.

Floyd Moo...

oh, Floyd Mooney.

- Wait, what that mean? - Nothing.

It sure sounded like something.

Yeah, I'll have Foxx hit you back.

Thanks for calling, Floyd.

Hey, man, come on...

This nigga hung up on me.

- Hey. - Uncle Balls!

Low-T.

How you doing?

- Hi... oh, my God. - Oh, man.

- Daddy. - Hey.

Wait, wait, wait.

What is this? What? He looks adorable.

- Adorable? - Yeah.

Yeah, if "adorable"

you mean he look like Urkel.

Is this the look we shooting for?

- Yes. - What?

- New school, new brand. - Oh, boy.

Go over there and play with your uncle.

- Okay. - Why aren't you dressed yet?

What is this?

I am dressed. Look at this here.

You see my junk hanging out or something like that?

I'm fully dressed and ready to go.

Floyd, you know this is not appropriate.

Well, you just told me that it was a new family picnic,

and the word I clued in on was "picnic,"

and I ain't never heard of nobody

having to dress up for a picnic.

Okay, first of all, the key word is "family,"

and you don't have to show up looking like a thug,

'cause that's what you look like right now.

- I don't look like no thug. - We're walking.

- We're walking. - We're... we're walking?

Hold up, now... girl, you can't...

Got you.

You know, I want to make a good impression.

He's so nervous.

Are you sure it's him that's nervous and it's not just you?

Yeah, you're right. I'm tossing my cookies.

I don't know why you let those motherfuckers

have so much power over you. They're just people.

Private school people can be really judgey, Floyd.

Well, if you're nervous,

I know a good way to blow off some steam.

Okay, one, two, three. Eyes on me.

Eyes on me. Up here.

- On my face. - They're on you, all right.

How are things going with Idris Elbow?

Can you not pick a fight with me right now, please?

I'm not picking anything with you.

I just want to see if you got sick

of that dumbass accent that he got,

and has he met Trevor yet?

No. No, of course not.

I would never do that, not unless I was sure

he was sticking around, and I-I would totally

talk to you about it first.

- Great. - Maybe at dinner sometime soon.

- What? - Yeah.

You'd be cool with that, right?

Oh, you just snuck that up on me.

I feel like you just stuck a finger up my ass,

- and I ain't even know it. - Okay.

My name is Norma Gonsalves-Mestres,

and it is my absolute honor and privilege

to welcome you all to Broken Arrow.

This is a school where cutting "edge-ucation"...

...and harmonious inclusivity have come together

to create a bouillabaisse

of inspired intention

for your beautiful children.

speaking Spanish

You think if I threw a noose up there,

it would support my weight?

Would you shut up and listen for once?

Not every place we go to has an open mic night.

Hey, I might have to pay for the privilege of this bullshit,

but I damn sure don't have to listen to it.

Shh.

Who the fuck are you?

speaking Spanish

Now let's go back in time.

Do you remember what it was like to be your child's age?

Go ahead and travel back there with me.

It's okay to close your eyes.

What was your favorite movie?

What kind of music did you like?

What were you good at?

What made you nervous?

What made you excited?

What made you scared?

How'd you feel about your bodies?

Felt pretty good about my body.

- And yours. - Stop it.

And now I want you all to stand up

and for the next five minutes,

I want you to talk to a perfect stranger

as your younger self.

Oh, hell no. I got to go find the shitter.

No, no, no, no, you're not doing that, Floyd.

- Oh, yes, I am. - No.

I don't got to listen to what this bitch says.

She ain't the boss of me.

You see, this bitch is the boss of you,

and you're gonna do what she says.

- Hello, hello, hello. - Hello.

I'm very nervous to approach you,

because you're so, uh, beautiful and cool,

and, um, black.

And-and that makes me feel very uncool.

Also, I-I'm not very comfortable with my body,

because I'm, uh, chubby and I have spots,

and, um, well, nary a pubic hair,

a-and when I play with myself, nothing comes out,

no matter how hard I try.

Uh... Sadie, this is Peter and Amy.

Believe it or not, Peter's the head of the network

- and Amy's my new agent. - Oh.

Floyd, Floyd, we're meant to stay in character.

Um, h-how do you feel about your body?

Peter, please stop. You're being so weird right now.

No, I'm sorry, Amy.

I-I'm just trying to show

a little school spirit, all right?

You know, cutting "edge-ucation."

Woot.

- You must be the famous Sadie. - Famous, am I?

Oh, God, yes, Floyd speaks incredibly highly of you.

You know, most women go their whole lives

wanting to hear a man talk about them

- they way Floyd talks about you. - Sorry?

Well, that's-that's good to hear.

- He's a good guy. - He's a great guy.

- He's a great guy. - He's great.

- He's talented. - Yeah.

He's handsome. He's the...

he's the whole package.

All of it.

So what are you guys doing here?

Isn't this more of a new family thing?