Children Ruin Everything

Astrid? Yes, I'm fine.

Let's do this, I'm up.

Oh, you're not with them?

No, I thought they were with you.

Thought that it's your job to... I just...

I thought they were with you, at this moment.

Relax, James. It's not like anyone exploded.

Viv with Betty.

One exploded. Still pretty good.

Look at the mess you made!

You're cleaning this up.

I put you in jail for a reason.

I could get out whenever I want!

No, you can't. You're poo-poo.

You're a poo-poo! You are!

Okay, Viv, Viv, come out from the clothes, please.

Felix, what are you doing here? Come on, buddy.

I put her in jail. She's dumb.

You can't call your sister dumb.

Anyone overhears that, you're gonna get canceled very hard.

What's burning? Did you burn cereal?

I'm making eggs.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, it's fine.

Here we go. Back up!

There's a lot of research out there that shows

people with kids are less happy than people without kids.

And look, it's hard to argue with the facts.

Before kids, we had this.

Now, we have this.

Before, it was kinda like this.

Now, it's more like this.

And we swapped this, for this.

So, it's very possible that these big idiots

have made a huge mistake by having these little idiots.

Idiots like us.

These are our kids, Felix and Vivian.

I'm Astrid, this is James.

And I'm James. Now there's two of them.

No! Anyway, are parents less happy

than childless people?

How do you even measure happiness?

That's where I can help.

You see, before becoming a full-time mom,

I was a data analyst.

So, I take raw, quantifiable data

like money, free time,

uninterrupted minutes on the toilet,

and I present them in ways that people can understand.

But what about the data you can't measure?

Like joy, pride, and good vibes, man?

Shouldn't that count too Yeah, right?

Maybe we don't have as much money or time or fun,

but we do have... You know, kids.

Yeah, that stuff can just go on the floor.

Think of the floor as one big shelf.

Kids certainly do.

Chuck emailed me last night.

Hey, how is old Chucky?

That's my old boss.

Yeah, I didn't know. You caught me.

He said my job's available in a few months

if I'm ready to go back.

Oh! That's amazing!

Do you... It's totally up to you. We need the money.

Yes, no, I'm definitely going back. I need to earn.

And also, my brain's turning to mush.

The other day, I forgot the word "Japan."

That was today. When I'm a working girl,

I'll never forget Japan again. So, I just need to let 'em know.

Viv's hogging the red crayons. No, I'm not.

Okay, guys, we're having coffee.

This is our time, remember?

You guys shouldn't be drawing anyway

unless you're ready for school. Are you ready for school?

I need underwear. Well...

Buddy, you're wearing pants.

Yeah, that's called going commando.

That can't be right. They, for sure, wore underwear.

Or bareback. No, that's not right either. Raw dog!

You know what we should do? We should celebrate.

Yes.

A nice dinner, just you and me.

Can we find a last minute babysitter

that can handle Viv?

The kids can't come. Breakfast this morning

was like a Vikings' banquet.

No, it's normal.

My sister and I used to have wet bread fights.

I'd like to go to a nice place

where they don't let you throw wet bread.

I thought you said it was supposed to be a celebration.

Okay, well, all the babysitters are booked.

Anyway, aren't you going to Ennis's tonight?

I'll just bail.

We should do something nice. We never do that anymore.

What? Didn't we just have that turkey cranberry thing?

Christmas dinner?

Why don't we order a fancy pizza?

No, no, no, that's not nice enough.

I'm gonna make us the pork shoulder thing,

and you are gonna love it.

So, do I have to buy the stuff for that, too?

No. Yes, yes. Yes, please.

What?

Your coffee, your coffee. No, there's caffeine in that.

Tonight, we celebrate two incomes.

Yatta! That means, "we did it", in... place.

You can do it!

Japan! There it is!

Bye!

That one? We do that one?

Hello, Astrid.

Oh, Dawn. Hi.

I'm so surprised to see you in here.

This place is so overpriced.

Nine dollars for mustard?

Yes, well, it's a special occasion.

We're splurging on an animal who's seen the sunlight.

Say hi to Dawn Aunty. Hi.

Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo are looking at the bone broth.

Go on. Hey!

How's Bo? He seems smiley.

Having a nervous breakdown

and being ousted from his own company

was the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He loves homeschooling Cory and is teaching himself to craft.

Did he craft that fun hat?

Still learning.

So, what's the occasion?

Uh, well, in a few months, I'm going back to work, paid work.

Astrid, this is fantastic! I know.

Have you told Mom yet?

She's worried you betrayed your feminist ideals.

No, I didn't betray anything.

I stayed home because James makes more money

because he has a valuable penis and I have a garbage vagina.

Please don't tell Mom

because I really don't need the career advice.

Oh, you don't wanna know about what make-up to wear

or how shiny your work clothes should be?

No, I've already heard about how shiny

my at-home clothes should be.

Speaking of Mom,

did you get her email about the vegan food...

I think she read it on a blog...

Hey, hey, hey! Does she know how to breathe?

Really breathe?

Yes, she's an ace breather, Bo, thank you.

It's natural, kiddo, all this stuff used to be animals.

Okay, she's just never seen

a decapitated animal before, have you?

Oh.

Okay, maybe we skip the meat for today?

Hey, James, I sent you a work email.

You sent me a work email? And...

Hey, Ennis!

You cannot send me deep fake nudes of myself.

I'm an artist. Are you confirmed for tonight?

Yeah, I'm gonna try and make it, yes.

No, no, that is the battlecry of the no/ show.

I have a family thing.

So, come after. It's not complicated.

Why am I the only one working in this friendship?

Nice nudes, James.

Hey, Marla, this is not... This is a joke.

Yeah, I know, relax. Ennis already sent 'em to me.

How's it goin', boss? Considering what a goldmine

the pandemic has been for the grocery world,

I'd say it's going pretty freakin' well!

Except for the death and the illness, though, right?

Sure. But we're opening four new franchises

in the next 15 months.

I could kiss COVID.

That's definitely how you get it.

We're gonna sweat, and we're gonna bleed and we're gonna cry.

And who knows what fluids will leak?

But once we crush these openings,

this gal is gonna be a VP.

Awesome! Is there anything you needed?

Just your hard work. Your loyalty.

And James, you're gonna need those balls.

Uh, not mine.

Why did she point at me when she said fluids?

I'm asking Astrid.

Don't hide behind Astrid. You promised you'd come

and now you're using your family as an excuse to suck.

She says I can go, it's cool. Great, okay!

Give me your buy-in so I know you're locked in.

It's a new policy.

This is a very special dinner

because we're celebrating Mom going back to work.

Yes. Celebration pasta.

No meat at all, Viv.

I like meat.

Okay, 'cause this morning, you...

You know what? Never mind.

Just gonna blow right past that one.

It's okay. Let's raise our glasses to Mummy

who put her career on hold, a big sacrifice,

that mostly women have to make because we live in a patriarchy,