Two and a Half Men

Hello.

What?

I can't understand you.

Who is it?

I don't know.

Some woman crying.

Hold on. Charlie!

What?

Phone for you.

Who is it?

An hysterical woman.

Are you insane?

I don't take calls from hysterical women.

Here he is.

You are very insensitive.

Hello?

Oh, hey, how are you?

She's crying. Duh.

Okay, calm down.

I can't understand you.

Omelette?

What is omelette?

Oh, "I'm late."

What are you late for, hon?

Get him out of here.

Jake, go watch TV.

What's the big deal?

I don't cry when I'm late.

Okay, are you sure?

Don't yell.

How did this hap...?

Scratch that.

Okay, okay, just stay calm.

I'm here for you.

We'll deal with this together.

You didn't happen to catch her name, did you?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

The instructions sound pretty clear.

You pee on the stick...

and if it turns blue, it means you're pregnant.

The stick turns blue.

Yes, sweetheart, first go into the bathroom.

Not exactly a rocket scientist.

As opposed to the Nobel Prize winners

you usually bring home?

Uh-huh, I'm still here.

Go ahead. Let 'er rip.

What do you mean, you can't?

Hold on.

How's that?

Yeah, I'm a genius.

Now we wait 30 seconds.

Please, God, please, please, please.

Isn't it a little late for prayer, Charlie?

Don't mock my faith.

Yeah, I'm here.

Did it change colors?

No? Well, t-that, that's good, right?

Well, sure, in a strange way

I'm a little disappointed, too.

Hold on a sec.

So, what else is new?

Congratulations. When's the wedding?

Isn't that nice?

Best of luck.

Bye-bye.

Boy, don't you just hate when that happens?

So, so, this

is a common occurrence?

Don't you take precautions?

Well, of course.

But come on-- you've never found yourself

in a slow elevator without a condom?

Look who I'm asking.

We need soap,

uh, razor blades, cotton balls...

Cotton balls-- that reminds me.

Reminds you of what?

Ribbed for her pleasure.

Ultra thin for mine.

Fiesta colors for... I suppose fiestas.

And extra-strength, double latex

for Coyote Tuesdays.

Boy, if women knew the trouble we go to.

Why don't you just get snipped?

You mean a vasectomy? Yeah.

Well, then say vasectomy.

Don't say "snipped."

What's wrong with snipped?

It's demeaning.

Snipped is what you get for 12 bucks at Supercuts.

Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

I've considered it.

In fact, a couple of years ago,

I believe there was a petition circulating.

So, what's holding you back?

I don't know, it's kind of a permanent move.

What happens if one day I finally meet the right woman

and decide I want to raise a family?

Don't cry. Look.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Look at Daddy's funny face.

Ah, who am I kidding?

Sweetheart, I have to go.

I have a patient.

No, you just stay off your feet.

Remember, you're very, very pregnant.

I love you, too.

I know.

I know, we're going to have a baby.

Yes, we are.

: Okay, sweetie, bye-bye.

So, Mr. Harper, you want a vasectomy.

Um... yes.

You do that, right?

Of course we do, in the exam room next door.

Snip, snip.

Great. Uh, I just have a couple of... pre-snip questions.

Shoot. Which, by the way, you'll still do post-snip,

if that was one of your questions.

Well, good.

Of course, if I've done my job right,

you'll be shooting blanks. Yeah.

Yeah, I got that.

What I was wondering

is if there's any permanent effects.

You mean like sexual impairment?

No, no, no... wait a minute.

There can be sexual impairment?

No. I just wanted to see the look on your face.

Actually, you'll be able to perform

exactly as you did before.

Well, great.

But what about, like, uh, creativity?

See, I write music for a living.

Will I still be able to do that?

Do you write with your testicles?

No.

Then it shouldn't be a problem.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Do you have children already?

No. Okay, then you might

want to think about freezing some sperm

in case you ever change your mind.

Frozen sperm-- I don't know.

Why not?

Well, you know,

you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.

That's really not the same thing.

So, you know for a fact that frozen kids

are just the same as the regulars?

Yeah, pretty much.

Of course, when they grow up,

they do tend to migrate to the Sunbelt.

Nothing. Wow.

That one kills at urology conventions.

Excuse me.

Yes? Oh, put her on.

: It's my wife.

Hi, honey.

Oh, no kidding.

She's really kicking up a storm, huh?

We know it's a girl.

Good. Oh, hang on.

Um, do you like Brittany or Allison for a name?

They're both nice.

Yeah.

Okay, honey, let me get this guy out of here

and I'll call you back.

Okay, Mommy.

Yeah, you're going to be a mommy.

Yes, you are.

So, frozen sperm.

I'm just not really sure

I want to go into some little room

with a bunch of magazines and, you know...

Actually,

we have videos now.

Kind of hot.

But you don't have to do it here.

We'll give you a container, and you can go home

and make yourself comfortable, dim the lights,

put on a little sweet soul music...

I know the procedure.

Then just bring it back here

while the little fellas are still swimming,

and we'll turn 'em into popsicles.

"Popsicles"?

You know, in case someday you want to be a pop.

Oh, yeah.

: Very clever.

Well, you deal with prostates and penises all day,

you better have a sense of humor.

And warm hands.

Oh, that's good. I'll use that.

"Warm hands."

That's good.

I'm done. Can I go play in my room?

Jake, Grandma came all the way over here