Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted

- ( music playing ) - ( audience cheering )

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you kidding me?

My goodness.

Wow, thank you.

- People are like, "Tig!" - ( audience laughs )

"Why are you shooting your special in Boston?"

Woman: Whoo!

I'll tell ya something,

my grandfather...

was originally from Boston.

And my mother

lived in Boston

when she was a tiny, little person.

- Man: Whoo! - And this rug...

Hear me out. This rug I am standing on

has been in my family

since the 1800s

and was in my mother's house in Boston

- in the '40s. - ( audience cheers )

Why am I shooting my special...

in Boston?

- I wanted to show you my rug. - ( audience laughs )

Why am I shooting my special in Boston?

No more stupid questions.

Please.

I performed in Las Vegas

and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas,

typically, you have to do an entire week,

seven nights in a row,

two shows a night.

There's an early show and a late show,

and I bombed

all 14...

...shows.

And I'm not a huge drinker and I don't really gamble,

so I didn't know what to do between the early and late show.

So the first night I thought I'd hang out in my hotel room,

but it was so far away from the venue

that I only had enough time

to walk back to my room...

stand like this for two minutes...

and then head back to the Comedy Club.

The rest of the time, I thought,

"I'll just sit in the back corner of the club,

hang out between the shows,

and just kill time having a glass of water."

I'm sitting there

and my agent

calls me to tell me

that the venue

called him

to say that they thought

it was weird...

...that I was just sitting in the back corner...

and could I please leave

and go find something else to do.

So, again, I'm sitting there, my phone rings,

I'm like, "Hey, what's going on?"

"Oh.

Okay."

So humiliating!

It's not like that call

came from some far-off headquarters someplace.

That call came from inside the club.

I'm certain the guy was looking through a little window

staring at me with disgust on his face.

Just like, "Ugh, tell her to get out of here.

Yeah, I'm sick of looking at her face."

I still didn't know where to go or what to do.

So I took the escalator down to the first floor

and there's an ice cream shop down there.

And I'm an adult.

I just-- personally, I don't sit alone

in ice cream shops

- just... - ( audience laughs )

And let me be certain...

to not use...

the object that is the exact shape...

of an ice cream cone.

So I finished my ice cream cone,

I took the escalator back up,

I did the final show,

and, of course, I bombed.

I got offstage.

I shook hands with the audience members.

And they were just like...

"We hate you."

I was like, "Feeling is mutual."

I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too.

Then I went into the office and got paid.

Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room.

I put my pajamas on.

I had little pigs flying all over my pants.

I looked so adorable.

It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week.

And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth.

And that's when I caught my reflection in the mirror

and saw that I had

a full-blown

chocolate mustache on my face.

I was like, "No!"

My brain starts replaying everything

that had just happened to me.

I was onstage for an entire hour...

bombing...

with a chocolate mustache on my face.

And then remember all up close and personal, I was...

Not one person...

was like, "Oh.

You have..."

"You..." Uh-uh, nobody told me.

And then I went into the office

to get paid...

by the guy that I am certain

made that original phone call

telling me to please leave

and go find something else to do.

Guess who found something else to do?

- Woman: Whoo! - Me.

I did.

I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream.

What is my problem?

I am six years from 50.

Can I not just glance in the mirror

before I go onstage?

What is my to-do list every night?

Belly full of ice cream.

Check.

- Head onstage. - ( audience laughs )

What did the owner of the club think as I sat there

across the desk in a tiny office

with a chocolate mustache on my face?

A grown woman...

wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows.

Holding out my little paw.

Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone

out of the hand of a small child,

slammed it in my own face,

hopped back up onstage?

Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas?

I'm nuts.

Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself...

with a fake mustache,

trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of?

Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I'm on.

Oh, great, there's stairs.

Guys, relax!

Relax, I'm just a person.

What if somebody walked into the show right now...

and they didn't recognize me?

"I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special.

Where did she go?

Where's Tig?"

Guys, it's me.

It's me.

It's me.

Uh, where did Tig go?

Where did Tig go?

Where did Tig go?

Let me see your little belly.

Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am.

Oh, you guys are dumb.

Oh, my gosh.

As a comedian, people always ask me

what makes me laugh really hard.

And, um, I was making a video one time.

Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine

where at the end he ends up in a bathtub

with Santa Claus.

And there are websites that you can go on

and find your perfect, ideal Santa,

click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs.

We could not find the perfect Santa Claus.

And he said, "Do you mind if we take a break

and go to McDonald's so I can get a couple hamburgers?

And then we'll come back."

And I said, "Man, whatever you need."

We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers.

He said, "I cannot wait to eat these.

Do you mind if we just sit here

and I eat 'em and then we go back?"

I said again, "Whatever you need."

So he backs his car into this space

and we're now looking out over the entire McDonald's parking lot

and I see this woman off in the distance

acting utterly insane.

And I said,

"What do you think she's doing?"

And he said, "I don't know,

but I'm gonna film her."

He gets his phone out, he presses record,

and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield.

The second he pressed record,

a boat of a car drove past us

and a man turned

and it was Santa Claus.

And I yelled, "Oh, my God, it's Santa Claus!"

And he yelled, "Oh, my God, do you think he'll talk to us?"