Mind the Gap

Do you have to sit there

and block the entrance to the building?

It's the only entrance to the building.

The architect who conceived this building

long before your mother was born designed a doorway

where people could come in and out.

In New York, there's parks all around us.

With your young legs,

you could be there in a hop, skip, and a jump.

But no, you prefer to sit there with your mangy dog.

He's not mangy.

He's mangy, he's dirty.

- Please don't say that, Mr. Schweitzer.

Really, I don't appreciate it.

- I and the 92 residents of this building

don't appreciate you sitting here,

cutting this filthy dog's toenails

or whatever you do with him.

I live here too.

- You know the name of the architect

who designed this building that you like to sit in front of

blocking the doorways,

getting attention for you and your dog?

- That's not why I brush him here.

He's old.

He's old? I'm old!

You just move him a little bit.

Let me show you.

You take him like this and you move-

Stop it.

Don't touch him. - I'm not touching him.

I'm not touching him.

It's pathetic.

Hey!

What are you, crazy?

You don't ride a bicycle on the sidewalk.

The sidewalk is for walking.

Buses, trucks, bicycles.

Anything with wheels except shopping carts. In the street!

I'll bet you don't even know who invented your bicycle.

That's the trouble with kids today.

They don't care.

They only wanna know what's in it for me? For me.

That's it, what's in it for me?

- Malissa, why do you wear that hat even in the summer?

Because it's fun.

It's from Montana.

Might start selling them nationwide.

Makes people smile.

Could you imagine if you had the power

to make people smile nationwide?

You're smiling, aren't you?

Well yeah, I suppose I am.

And were you smiling

before you saw me in my hat?

- Well, let me think about that now.

No, you weren't.

When I saw you, you were frowning.

You looked up, took one look at me

in my Montana hat and smiled

then gave me these stupid things.

I gotta be honest, doc.

It's not that different.

- It's clearer with them on, though, Malissa. Admit that.

- You don't think my diet has anything to do with it?

Nothing.

- I'm a vegan, you know. - I hear ya.

- Pretty intense diet. - I gotcha.

No effect.

- No animal products of any kind,

not even bacon or steak.

I understand.

Got nothing to do with you eyes starting to go bad.

I'm not sold.

- Malissa, why do you have to go and do that?

Malissa, at least keep them a while before you decide.

- Put your foot on the glasses like you stomped on 'em, doc.

Come on now.

Oh, I can't do that.

Oh, doc.

Oh.

Gorgeous.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah.

- I'm ready for you now, Malissa.

And I got some lunch for your mama. How's she doing?

Pretty good, doc.

- You're killing two birds with one stone?

Yeah, why not?

I thought I'd get my tweeter checked out while I was at it.

Can't hurt.

- I didn't need to know that. - See ya, doc.

Yeah.

Mama. How you feelin'?

Doctor Simon bought you lunch for today.

He told me he's got a little crush on you.

Wants to come by and see you.

No doctors.

Ah, got a new tape from China.

You wanna hear?

Ooh, that looks yummy.

Yeah.

Doesn't that sound cool?

It's from a gal I wrote to in Beijing

who sent me a tape from a restaurant there in China.

Don't you just love listening?

Imagining everything?

Chinese people

in their Chinese outfits, eating all their Chinese food.

What?

Wo-chi-ba?

Wochiba?

Wochiba.

I wonder what that means.

I'll have some more wochiba, please.

Go wochiba yourself, you bastard.

What do you think, mama?

Eat your lunch, mama.

Still hear it from my room, right?

Oh, that's nice, Rocky.

What is it?

My mom.

Your mother?

Yeah.

It's not nice to make joke pictures of our mothers, Rocky.

It's not a joke.

- It looks like an egg with hair and a TV set to me.

Is that nice?

Is that what your mother really looks like?

Outstanding.

You're an extremely talented artist,

but I feel you probably get that quite a bit

in your life, don't you, kiddo?

And it's a uh, it's a computer,

not a TV set, Mrs. Trouchet.

But I could see how you might get that

a little confused if you didn't...

Look at it clearly.

Have a nice night.

- Hey dad, let's shave off all the hair we have.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

All right.

No, I mean for real.

For real?

Yeah.

- Why? - 'Cause it'll be fun.

- Well I know it'll be fun, of course it's gonna be fun.

What, do you think I was born yesterday?

- I wanna look like Michael Jordan.

How about this?

How about we braid our hair in cornrows,

that way we can look like Allen Iverson?

I mean, Mike is retired.

- Yeah, but he is forever and always

will be Mike, not Allen.

There's no I wanna be like Allen.

- You don't have to convince me, dude.

You're preaching to the choir.

I'm a Mike fan all the way,

I just figured you kids liked the new Turks.

- And I suppose you think I prefer Britney to the Beatles?

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.

I know you're a Norwegian Wood guy.

- Well, thanks for giving me some credit, I...

- May I make a suggestion? - Sure.

What if we get bald wigs?

That way we could look like Michael,

and we get to still keep our hair.

Okay.

They look dumb.

Yeah.

Not real at all.

You're right.

We have no choice.

- You first or me? - Me.

Get the newspaper.

Get a lot!

You ready? - Oh yeah.

- He's so weird. He's bald.

- You look like a baseball.

This is way better.

Way.

Have a good day.

We wanted to look like Mike, if only for a day.

- If this is illegal, and I certainly hope it is,

believe you me, the authorities are going to hear about it.

- What authorities, Mrs. Trouchet?

The Vermont hair cutting authorities?

Child services.

- If the small dreams can't come true,

how's he ever going to believe the big ones can?

Hi, welcome to Taco Bell.

My name's Sarah, how can I help you today?

Breakfast burrito?

- Hey John, a bunch of us are going to go out

and celebrate Nancy's bir- - No thank you, Bob.

John.

What?

Nothin'.