The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

"The Herdmans were absolutely the worst kids

"in the history of the world."

They lied.

They stole.

Come back here!

They smoked cigars.

Even the girls.

They hit little kids. Even if the little kids

were bigger than them.

Hey!

They took the Lord's name in vain.

They cussed teachers.

They even set fire

to Fred Shoemaker's old, broken-down tool shed.

To be fair, the shed was ugly

and was about to fall over anyway.

My father said, "Burning it down

"was the only good thing the Herdmans ever did

"and if they'd known it was a good thing,

"they wouldn't have done it at all."

They were just so all-around awful,

you could hardly believe they were real.

No one knew why they were that way.

It seemed they just came out of the womb mean.

And speaking of that womb,

us kids have never seen their parents.

Some thought they'd given up and run away.

My theory was that they were

the first parents to be kidnapped,

tied up, and robbed by their own kids.

Ralph,

Leroy,

Claude,

Ollie,

Gladys,

and the toughest one of them all, Imogene.

All the same,

except for different sizes

and different black-and-blue marks

where they had clonked each other.

Okay, everybody, find your seats.

I hope you're ready for Show and Tell.

My first Shower-and-Teller will be...

Me.

Okay. Ollie Herdman is first.

I'm... Wait.

It's my cat.

Spike.

I can't see.

That's me.

Hey!

Did I mention they stole?

What do you want?

This necklace?

Or your neck?

Hm?

I chose my neck.

I usually avoided trouble, but apparently

my favorite locket got her attention.

Imogene was their unchallenged leader.

She struck mortal fear into anyone in her path,

including adults.

She especially didn't like Alice.

-Hey, Cooties. -Ow!

Probably because Alice

was the exact opposite of Imogene.

All the way down to her...

Your hands smell like soap again.

Hiding your cooties?

It was head lice,

and it was one time at summer camp.

But Imogene never forgets.

-The Herdmans are just... -I know.

The Herdmans are absolutely the worst kids

in the history of the world.

What'd they do now, dear?

My mom gave me that locket.

Nothing.

The usual.

Set something on fire?

Dump soapy water down a school hallway?

Steal your lunch and then punch you

for not havin' any candy?

Something like that.

Do your homework tonight. Big day tomorrow.

-Gettin' the Christmas tree. -Great, Dad.

I'm sure the Herdmans will find some way to ruin it.

That's not very jolly.

God, this is a selfish prayer.

I know I shouldn't pray it, but...

can you send the Herdmans somewhere far away

until I grow up?

Somewhere without many people.

Maybe an island with no people at all.

And violent, dangerous creatures.

Either do that,

or make me invisible until college.

That would fix it.

Thanks, God.

Sorry for this awful prayer.

We figured the Herdmans

were headed straight for hell

by way of the state penitentiary

until they got mixed up with my mother,

our church, and our big Christmas pageant.

That's my family.

My dad, Bob, full-time accountant,

my mom, Grace, full-time mom,

my brother, Charlie, full-time smart aleck.

Every year.

Okay. Honey.

Little help, please. Sweetheart?

Normal family in a normal town.

And this is our town.

It doesn't have much.

The one thing our town was known for

was our church's annual Christmas pageant.

It was a big deal.

Even bigger this year because of the anniversary.

I'll tell you everything you need to know

about the Emmanuel Annual.

This is the very first one,

the year our church and our town opened.

Legend has it, the pageant used to mean something

and that everyone in town was excited to see it.

They wanted to be reminded

of the beauty of the Christmas story.

But I'm not sure the pageant

was all that beautiful anymore.

This is us last year.

That's Alice, you met her earlier,

in her third year playing Mary.

And that's Mrs. Armstrong,

who's directed the pageant for forever

and makes sure nothing ever changes, ever.

In my opinion, after the 74th same old pageant,

it had all the depth and joy of a recycled Christmas card.

But keeping it the same

is exactly how the town wanted it.

Because it was the 75th,

there was even more attention than normal.

People from other towns were coming.

Former cast members.

It was even in the paper.

And the Ladies Aid was helping with the costumes

to make them nicer than normal.

-Is that level? -Tilting to the left.

How about...

-How about now? -That's worse.

- Finally... -What?

...in local news, 'tis the season to remind you

of the annual Christmas pageant

in the town of Emmanuel,

which will actually fall on Christmas Day this year.

They're advertising on TV now?

Attendance and giving are down at church.

The town needs visitors.

I think they're desperate.

Okay, just tell me when it's right.

You don't have to tell me it's wrong.

I'll just assume that it's wrong,

and you tell me if it stops being wrong.

That's level.

These are kind of hot.

-Hold on. -What?

-There. -Oh! They got...

So, it's time

to tell you something about my mom.

It's hard to sum up what she does

in a single sentence.

Whether it was doing our annual

Christmas decorating together

or making sure we participated in the Christmas pageant,

even if we didn't want to,

she kept our family on track.

That was her main focus in life,

but that was about to change right now.

-Careful. -What's going on?

Is that a Herdman fire?

That's the Armstrong house.

Oh, no.

Mrs. Wendelken. Alice's mom,

the queen bee of the town supermoms,

whose single glance...

That's the one.

...could make my mom feel small.

Tuck in your shirt.

-It's under my coat. -Oh.

You're gonna be okay.

Helen, are you in much pain?

Yes. Terrible.

I'm so sorry. What happened?

I took a spill. Never mind how.

Broke both of her legs.

Both of them?

Yes, both.

Call Mr. Armstrong at the factory.

And shut off the stove under my potatoes

or the whole house'll burn down.

Inform the Ladies Aid, I will not be at the meeting.