How I Met Your Mother

Kids, it's no secret your Uncle Barney is a bit of a dog,

and even though he loved me, I think he always wanted

a wingman who was a bit of a dog, too.

And in the fall of 2012...

...he found one.

Respect.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey, guys, thanks again for a great night last night.

I say again,

great night.

Ted, honey, it was not a great night.

Ted,

Lily and I noticed some things last night.

Hey, Ted, can you pass me a cracker?

Yeah. It's the least

you can do, considering I left

a guy at the altar for you.

: Right, right?

Oh, come on, that was a joke.

Women over 30 don't joke when it comes to commitment.

Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.

Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby,

no 32-year-old woman

is happy taking things slow.

Mm.

Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school

posting pictures of second babies on Facebook.

Mm-hmm.

And you think girlfriend's

all like, "Oh, let's just bone a bunch

so I'm another year older and still single"?

Bitch, please. Mm.

Guys, I've got a new bro--

a bro that puts all other bros to shame.

The bitches love him.

He buries bones

all day.

: Whoo!

No one chases tail like him.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this:

he's a dog.

I've named him

Brover.

I'll go...

...fetch him.

Okay, I'm worried about Barney.

That breakup with Quinn messed him up more than he let on.

I think he's lonely.

Dude seems fine to me.

I love you so much, Brover.

Seriously, based on last night,

you and Victoria are headed for trouble.

So I got this kind of interesting job offer

to run a bakery in Denver.

: But that's too crazy, though, right?

Right?

Uh, yeah.

The high altitude would affect the density of the pastries.

: I mean,

talk about half-baked.

Man, this is a great night.

That was Victoria asking you to move to Denver with her.

What?

Then, why wouldn't she just come right out

and say what she wants?

Men.

It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open

and spiders to kill

and computers to back up, what would be their point?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?

Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people

advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.

My goal is to eventually say things

that are so sassy and wise,

that there is no possible response

other than "mm" or "mm-hmm."

And if this is a place where we can share our dreams--

I like to think that it is--

I hope someday to earn a...

"testify."

Look,

Victoria and I are five months in

and we're right where we should be.

All right, we-we're cosigning birthday cards,

w-we got toothbrushes at each other's places,

foreplay's out the window.

I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping, it's great.

It's more than five months.

You guys dated before; that time counts.

The clock doesn't reset to zero.

It un-pauses from where you left off.

No way,

no way, the clock resets.

Wait,

so this is what you guys do?

You invite other couples over for dinner

to judge them and feel superior?

Oh, grow up, Ted,

that's why any couple invites anyone over ever.

Two Scotches, both neat,

and if you've got some, uh, nuts, this guy lost a couple.

Ha-ha.

Take the hit, just take the hit.

Okay, this is

a cry for help.

Can we invite Barney over for dinner tonight?

But I was going to make you a special meal to celebrate

my show getting nominated for a Local Area Media Award.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,

Nick had a cable access cooking show.

Chef Nick Podarutti uses

all fresh, locally grown ingredients,

but don't think for a second

that means he's not a bad boy.

She runs on corn.

I'm gonna invite him over for dinner.

Okay, fine, but you'd better make sure he has a ticket.

'Cause it's all aboard the Chow-Chow Train!

Honey, I know it's hard coming up

with a signature cooking catchphrase,

but I don't think that's it.

I know, but how do you compete with "Bam!"?

It just says it all.

Hey, you.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Um, Lily and Marshall think

I'm missing all these hints you're dropping

that you want a deeper commitment.

I mean, you'd just come right out and tell me, right?

Totally.

I-I think I can be a little bit more direct than that.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, I was cleaning my apartment today

and I dug this up.

Should I keep

this wedding dress, or do you think

I'll never, ever need it again?

So Lily and Marshall were right?

Of course they're right.

When a girl jumps in your car in a wedding dress,

you can't act surprised to find out

she wants to get married.

Besides,

we dated before, and that time counts.

We just hit pause on the clock.

See, a lot of really smart people

would argue the clock resets.

It un-pauses, everybody knows that.

You know, Barney's a little late.

I hope he's okay.

Ah, he's fine, and I still don't think

he's crying out for help.

Well...

Sorry we're late.

We just came from the tailor.

Brover couldn't settle on a tie, so I just bought them all.

You say no to that face.

There's a reason that you're not

a hundred percent in this with me, Ted.

Something's holding us back.

Well, what is it?

I think we've established I'm not great

at picking up on clues-- well, in this situation.

As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective.

In fact, when my friend's retainer

went missing,

the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was...

The retainer was in the garbage.

The Mosby Boys were you, your sister,

and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.

I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that.

Eight weeks of training down the drain.

You know how I know that, Ted?

Because we covered it in the "getting to know you" part

of the relationship six years ago.

Six years.

Then... what's holding us back?

Call in the Mosby Boys, Ted,

let me know if they crack the case.

Guys,

Brover is not only the best bro I've ever had,

he's amazing with the ladies.

I'm sorry, don't you think it's a little pathetic

to use a dog to pick up chicks?

Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street.

If Brover meets a cutie, I'll take the hit

and chat up the chubby lady friend.

Sometimes I'll be the jerk...

...so Brover can swoop in and be the hero.

And like any good wingman,

I gather as much intel as I can right up front.

How old's your dog?

She's five. Oh.

What's that in dog years?

Like, 35.

We're done here.

Well, you were right.

Victoria says something's holding us back,