black-ish

Growing up, we didn't have much,

so when you actually got a gift?

It was special.

There you go, baby, the "Running Scared" soundtrack.

Found it on the ground at work.

There you go.

All right, now.

For real, whoever said "It's the thought that counts"

never got a gift from Andre Johnson.

Voilà!

Ohh!

Baby, look at this!

There gonna be some changes around here.

Anybody got a problem wearing short shorts?

And no one gets more Andre Johnson gifts

than Andre Johnson's queen.

Bam!

Ohh, Dre.

Bam!

It's incredible!

- Bam! - Oh, oh!

Oh!

You'd think someone as gifted as I was

in the art of presentry

would marry someone with similar skills, right?

Happy birthday.

No. No, Dre.

Hey, hey. Where's it at?

- Dre. - What?

Dre.

Look at that, it's your first print ad.

Oh. How thoughtful.

But no, Bow's terrible at giving gifts.

- So, Dre. - Yeah?

So what'd you get Bow for her birthday?

How did you know it was my wife's birthday?

Well, I keep all the important Black Lady Birthdays

in my Important Black Lady Birthday calendar.

November, Whoopi.

December, Janelle.

January, Oprah.

February, your wife.

- Now... - Mm-hmm.

...if you haven't gotten her anything yet,

I am happy to pop out of a cake for you.

What?

What are you gonna get her?

I mean, are you gonna get her flowers,

a spa day, or a hall pass?

No. No, I got her something that she's going to love

because we all know that I am great at gift-giving.

- That's true. - That's true.

- This man once gave me clean urine. - It wasn't mine.

And you once gave me that DNA test

that proved I was 23 percent Norwegian

and zero percent my father's child.

I wish Bow was as good at gift-giving as I am.

You know, last week for my birthday,

she framed my awful first print ad.

Not... not the Honda "Run Dat" campaign?

- No. - "Getting Jiggy with Jif"?

- Nope. - "Kaiser Permanente: Ooh Child"?

No.

Wow, Dre, you really were phoning it in back then.

But you know what? Giving good gifts

is a solid half of what a wife is for.

I mean, what else does that woman do with her time?

She's a massage therapist, for God's sakes.

My wife is an anesthesiologist.

And janitors are custodians.

I get it, Dre, but you have got to talk to her about this.

She's never gonna get better.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

My wife is one of the busiest,

most badass people that I know.

And she does everything great that matters.

So, you know, I-I really think I'm overreacting on this.

Yes, you are. Because you have a beautiful wife.

A beautiful Black lady wife.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go send Erykah Badu

an Edible Arrangement for her birthday.

- Oh, okay. - I don't have the address,

but I figured if I put "Erykah Badu, Atlanta"

on there, she should get it.

Uh-oh.

Must be girl trouble.

Your father used to look like that when he got dumped.

Damaged a lot of kitchen tables with that anvil head of his.

All right, what happened?

Well, Jack asked Savannah out.

It was the best lunchtime drama

since Britney lied and told people

that she was dating one of the "Stranger Things" kids.

- It was supposed to be romantic. - Mm.

Like one of those YouTube prom-posals.

But instead...

I found out she has...

...a boyfriend.

I don't understand.

We talked all night at Diane's sleepover.

We had a connection.

I told her my hopes...

Meeting Mr. Peanut.

And my fears.

Mr. Peanut's a jerk.

It's not fair.

Okay, Jack, let me ask you something.

Have you ever met this boyfriend?

Hmm, no.

Mm-hmm.

Sounds to me like she's just playing the game.

You ignore this girl and ask out her best friend.

She'll be yours in no time.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Trust me, it's how I imploded The Commodores.

I played Walter Orange like a slap bass.

Almond milk? That's Charlie's.

Dijon mustard? That's Charlie's.

Amoxicillin? Better believe that's Charlie's.

Hey, Charlie,

Mr. Stevens is letting me pitch an account,

and I wanted to run a few ideas by you.

Okay, that makes sense.

I am a respected advertising professional, so go ahead.

That you are!

Also everyone else is at lunch.

So, the campaign is for these pants called Fielders,

and I was thinking we take a social media approach

- and try to... - Hold on.

Fielders sell khakis old men buy at grocery stores.

You as much as mention "hashtag,"

you lost their business.

Now, imagine advertising something basic, like potatoes.

How am I supposed to come up with a good campaign

if I have to be basic and bland?

Therein lies the challenge.

You must immerse yourself in blandness.

Hey, guys, there's a green pepper in my chicken salad...

- too spicy for me... - I'll take it.

- Um... - Charlie's.

Hey. Necco wafer?

Hey, Josh.

Let me pick your brain for a second.

Sure!

Talking to the guys made me realize...

so what if Bow was terrible at gifts?

I was big enough to put my personal feelings aside

and get my badass wife

the fanciest present I could find.

- Bow? - Mm-hmm?

Come in here, babe.

You know what today is!

- Is it Flag Day? - No.

Arbor Day?

Unh-unh, guess again.

Oh, is it my birthday?

Yes, it is!

And you have something for me?

Yes, I do.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Okay, I'm gonna open it. - Okay.

Ohh, Dre!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is incredible.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

- It is, isn't it? - Oh, what...

D-Dre, I can't wait to show everybody.

Yeah, at least one of us

knocks it out of the park every year.

What did you say? Hmm?

You know what, babe?

I'm just going to come clean.

- Year after year... - Yeah.

...I give you the best presents in the world,

and your gifts to me don't even come close.

Huh?

Baby, I love you.

But your gift game is straight trash.

Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre, Dre.

We're being honest right now, right?

Tell the truth and shame the devil.

Uh-huh.

- You give terrible gifts. - What?!

You give boo-boo gifts!

Boo-boo gifts, Dre!

You have the receipt for that?

Huh?

I do not give boo-boo gifts, Bow!

You're just lashing out.

I see your eyes when you open your presents.

You love them.

Oh, I do?

Yes, you do.

Oh!

Ohh!

Dre!

You've been faking it?

Yeah!

I bought you diamonds.

It was nice at first,