Irreplaceable You

What if we stayed in bed all day?

That sounds like the best day ever.

We should stay here all week.

What if we got bored?

Us, bored? When have we ever been bored?

What if we got hungry?

What would we do for food?

Well, we could order takeout and have it delivered right here.

But then what if we lost our jobs and apartment

and we had no place to live?

Stop. Stop worrying.

Full disclosure:

I didn't have to worry about any of that,

because this is where my story ends.

So does yours, by the way.

So does everyone's.

It's okay. Really.

Calm. Peaceful.

One with nature.

Most of it I don't miss at all.

Really.

But then, there's Sam.

- Hi, Sam. -Hi, Abbie.

Sam was--is the love of my life.

But let's start at the beginning.

And here we come to our coral reef, home to many species,

including over 50 types of fish,

the green moray eel, the cownose ray--

Oh, those guys are mating.

Okay. Uh, look over there!

Why are, like, six of them mating together?

Which one is the mommy?

See, here's the thing, kids, fish are not like people.

They're not monogamous.

Not that many people are either, but that's another--

What's "monogamous"?

Well, uh,

okay, monogamy means if you love someone,

you stick with them for the long haul.

My dad screwed my Aunt Rosa.

My mommy and daddy are separated.

My mom ran away with my dentist.

My dad said she was getting her cavity filled in.

Yep. It's not easy.

Lots of things can separate us:

Aunt Rosa, the dentist,

Lauren Mulgrew in World of Amphibians.

However,

there actually is one monogamous fish.

The deep-sea anglerfish.

The male anglerfish hunts for the female,

following her through the most dangerous parts of the deep.

Then, when he finds her,

he bites into her flesh

and never, ever lets go.

The two fish fuse into one.

And we're walkin'.

And we have our listening ears on.

And that was it. True love.

Well, true love plus an emergency room visit for Sam,

and a lot of therapy for me.

Sam's telling the story of the bite, again,

which was a romantic gesture!

Really it was a behavioral problem. She bit like six kids that year.

You're the only one that meant anything to me.

Well, I had to go to the hospital.

-Six stitches. -Three stitches.

I almost got kicked out of school.

You should have been kicked out of school. You were rabid.

For years, I've tried to have her de-fanged and de-clawed.

-Nice, Mom. Really nice. -Hey! Oh! Guys, guys, guys!

Everybody, everybody, come--come this way, please.

-I would like to make a toast. -Oh, Benji...

-Oh, yeah. -That's a really bad idea.

-Not a toast. -Sam, Sam, it's already started.

Uh, happy engagement, you guys. Yeah?

-Happy engagement. -Cheers!

Yeah! To the bride and groom! Huh?

I mean, they don't make any sense on paper, right?

I mean, Abbie is type A and Sam is type Z.

-Come on, I'm not type A. -Uh...

What is a Z?

I mean, how did an amazing woman like you

end up with the most clueless white dude in the city? I mean, like--

-Like, you know, I mean, you-- -Benji!

-I'm not-- -Really. Dude.

-This could be your best toast ever. - Look, honestly,

I generally disapprove

of people who are as disgustingly happy as you guys are,

but, um, I'm really glad that you proposed to this guy.

Oh! You proposed.

-You know, she just beat me to it. -That's great.

I was trying to figure out the best moment and--

You were taking too long!

So, I stuck a rubber band on my finger

-and that was it. -That's cute.

The truth is, there may be a little incentive to make it all official.

We're not telling people yet.

But I guess everybody knows now, so...

- Wow. -Yay!

-Yay! - Yay!

-Congratulations! - That's great.

There's gonna be...three.

What if it hadn't worked out between us?

Impossible.

What if I, like, had been hit by a bus or run off with gypsies

or become a man?

I would have stopped the bus,

joined the gypsies or become gay.

You would be gay if I were a man?

Well you don't need to do that.

Become a man?

Test it.

Top of the books, seven o'clock from the lamp.

I don't give a fuck about my glasses right now.

You will, in the morning when I'm in the shower.

-And they're not on your side. -Stop talking.

Eminently psychological. It's like...

Okay, so are you good if we confirm the venue today?

-Uh-huh. -Oh, and the caterer wants to know

-chocolate, hazelnut, or raspberry. -Mm-hmm.

Sam?

What? For what?

For the cake. The wedding cake.

Well, not hazelnut.

Nobody's ever like, "Yum! That cake is hazelnut!"

Okay, raspberry or chocolate?

Please not raspberry.

The seeds get stuck in your teeth and then you realize later nobody told you

and it's like, "Are these people even my friends?"

So chocolate?

It seems so obvious.

That's one green and one red.

Well, they feel the same.

-Don't forget to water Ruby. -Ruby.

Bye.

Clearly there are still more than a few misconceptions

about the structural differences

between sensory neurons, interneurons, and motor neurons.

Which is totally cool.

Does anyone have any questions about this?

I know, it's exciting stuff.

So then he just sends me this totally unprompted dick pic,

and I'm like, "Whoa! You just went there?"

And he says, "Oh, baby, that's only my level one."

What is that?

He has a level one, two, three,

depending on relationship status.

Aren't you curious about level two?

It's insane. Look.

Well, at least he's thinking of you.

Lies. All lies.

I saved it to my photo album, and it says it was taken on April 4, 2013.

We hadn't even met yet. This erection has nothing to do with me.

I hate dating. You're so lucky you have Sam.

I mean, yes, but I still had to get maybe pregnant to get him to step up.

Oh, my God, Abbie! That's it! I just need to get definitely pregnant.

No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.

But, uh, speaking of--

-Oh, my God, I got to go. -What? You're not supposed to go today.

We have the meeting with all the mom blogs.

You're supposed to approve the feminist princess book.

Melanie, you got this.

I don't got this.

Oh, God, I didn't realize it was possible to be this tired and bloated.

Maybe it's twins.

Yikes.

Hmm.

Level two.

How is it possible something that giant comes out of there?

It just looks like something out of a sci-fi horror movie.

That's not helpful!

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

This picture, is it necessary?

Um, Abbie, I have some difficult news.

The blood test shows that you are not pregnant.

Oh.

- Are you sure? -Yes.

Oh, okay.

I guess that's okay.

I-I mean, the whole thing was kind of a surprise.

-Yeah. We probably weren't even ready. -Right.

It-it-it's just--

It's weird 'cause, um,

I know it's super early, but I-I really feel something there.

The sonogram shows that you have a mass in your pelvis

roughly the size of a tangerine.

It can mimic pregnancy.

-A mass? -What kind of a mass?

I don't want you guys to panic, because it could be nothing.

There's this moment when everything changes.

You look back, and there was the moment before.

See that person?

It's not helpful!