South Park

Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy.

...nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.

Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.

You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died!

Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets.

Mostly

It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way.

Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving?

It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own.

He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke.

No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me.

All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

Look out!!

Huh? Was that a stop sign back there?

Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive?

Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.

But they kill people.

Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan.

We can't just take their licenses away.

I'll be God-damned if they think they can take my license away!

Oooh, hi Dad.

I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors!

Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill!

Yes Dad.

-And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II! -Yes I know.

And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive!

I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.

Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet!

No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way.

You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!

Less miles means less gas, you old fool.

There's Country Kitchen right there!

Where?

Right there! You're gonna miss it!

Is this the parking lot?

I think so.

Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist.

Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman,

who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.

This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek,

where three construction workers and a bulldozer were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom ,

who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.

Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy,

though no decision has yet to be made.

Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell!

Yeah!

I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!

We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore!

Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!

That's right! Now,

...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?

Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting,

but I... can't for the life of me re-

Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No?

Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away!

Yeah! Yeah! That's right!

That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away!

And I, for one, am mad as hell!

Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too!

I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!

So now, what are we gonna do about it?

Do about what?

They're gonna take our licenses away.

They are?? They can't do that!

That's right. So you know what I think we should do?

I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting!

Get all the senior together a the community center and unite!

Great idea, Marvin!

Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now.

...Oh, right, this is the meeting.

Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!

Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them!

Sharon, have you seen Dad?

He's not here, hun. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center.

Oh. Wait a minute.

If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out...

Every senior in town will be driving home...

At the same time.

Oh My God!

Get inside! Get inside!

Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets!

All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime.

So long, everybody.

Goodbye, Missy.

Get off the streets! Get off the streets!

Old people are driving!

Gerald! Where are the boys?!

We've gotta get out of here!

The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!

They, they're... they're playing street hockey!

Oh My God!!

With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move.

Marsh heads for the goal and paases the ball to the poor kid.

The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again

...proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!

It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.

I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.

GET OFF THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!

Dude, look!

GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!

What is that?

I don't know.

GET OFF... GET STRAIGHT OFF THE STREET!

Dude, is that your dad?

I think so.

Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.

STREETS!! OFF-

What is he saying?

I can't understand him.

Calm down! We cannot understand you!

-Oh Jesus! -Old people!

Come on!

Oh God, they're coming!

Get over there! Stay low!

Why are they all out driving at the same time?

It's okay, boys. They're gone.

Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find-

I don't remember there being a building here.

RUN!

I told you to turn left, Larry.

Get up the stairs! Up the stairs!

Come on! Come on!!

Aah! There's another one!

Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue?

In here!

They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!

Quiet! Keep quiet!

Dad, I'm scared.

Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here.

We'll stay the whole winter if we have to.

I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore!

Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights.

Here we go.

How the hell did we get up here?

I told you this was the wrong way!

Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses.

The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time,

...causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage.

Alrighty. There we go. Next?

It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life!

That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us.

We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. There we go.

But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?

Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?

Some of us would rather die!

Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.

We aren't second-class citizens!

That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!

Yeah...

Ooooh, isn't this great you guys?

Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?

Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.

Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.

God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?!

Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!

Well, look at it this way:

Statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.

My God, he's right.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death.

Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys.

Except for you, Kyle.

Okay, all set?

Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.

Go around. Go around, you moron!

Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!

I believe that's us... thank God.

Could I see your license, please?

I ain't got one! You peckers took it!