The Standups

- How was it? - Fun.

Have a good time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a warm welcome to Nate Bargatze!

We're doing it.

I mean it's un... It's unbelievable.

It's very exciting to be here. Not all shows are like this.

I did a show in a prison once.

All the way in it. We went in there.

There were a few more people than this.

We go in... Let's say you guys are like the inmates,

so I'm like sitting here, doing my dumb jokes, none of them work.

Every joke I have involves being outside in the past 30 years...

Nothing's relatable.

I'm like, "Traffic's crazy, do you guys remember... Who remembers traffic?"

An inmate gets up and starts walking towards me,

I'm like, "Oh boy, here we go. I've seen movies.

He's going to use me to break out."

So...

I don't want to point at him.

But I'm trying to draw... I'm like, "The weather's been pretty crazy.

Should he be walking up like that? Uh..."

Turns out he's just going to the bathroom, right behind me.

He's a good guy. I judged him on what he was wearing and where we were at.

It was my fault.

The bathrooms are not... They're like, open.

So I'm against this brick wall and it was like half way up,

so it's me, a brick wall, and then the urinals.

And he just comes out and then comes and pees,

and picks the one right behind me.

And so it's just me and him, just standing there.

He's peeing, I'm like trying to talk.

And he just pees, without even kind of a problem.

It was the most confidence I've ever seen in my entire life, I mean, I...

I thought, "Whatever you think this guy did, this guy did it."

"An innocent man doesn't pee like that. That's a... He's not getting out!"

I took social media off my phone.

I have Instagram still on there. I feel like it's still OK.

It's like, you know... It's safe.

Twitter's like...

I feel like it's just like celebrities telling you you're the worst.

That's all it is. All day.

When it's the presidential election, everybody's furious

and then there was a big pipeline thing, remember that?

"We've got to stop this pipeline." I'm like, "Yeah, we do."

I don't even know... I don't even know where this is at.

I couldn't find it.

Right now, I don't know what was in the pipe,

I don't know if the pipe was above ground,

but it was like, "We've got to stop... People have stuff there,

you can't be throwing pipes..."

"You can't just throw pipes everywhere you want to throw pipes, you know?"

Just...

I follow Leonardo DiCaprio, you know,

I'm a big fan, just want to see what that guy's life is like.

He tweets nothing fun out. I've learned that.

He tweeted out, "100 million sharks get killed a year by people."

Just threw that out. No solution.

I'm just at home in Tennessee, nowhere near an ocean.

It's so many sharks.

I don't even... If you told me to guess how many sharks were alive,

I would never have guessed 100 million.

Uh... A million, I don't know. Who knows how many sharks there are?

I tweeted back, "All right dude, I won't kill any sharks."

I don't know. Is that what you wanted out of this?

I won't do it. I've never even been near a situation where I've thought,

"I might have to kill this shark."

Never even met a guy that's petted a shark,

but I'm not... I'm not getting involved now.

Facebook is more... That's your friends telling you you're the worst.

It's more local.

No one has a good day on Facebook.

It's everybody's worst days of their lives.

And the first thing you look at... You wake up, cut it on,

and then just be like, "Do you want to see a murder video?"

You're like, "I don't at all. I just woke up.

I'm just trying to see whose birthday it is."

And...

They're like, "Well we already started playing it, so..."

And you're like, "All right, I guess I'll watch that."

My wife gets mad because I don't like any of her photos.

She's like, "Why don't you like any of my photos?"

And it's like, "Is this not enough, us living together and stuff?"

"I don't..." And I did like it!

"When we took it, I said, 'I like it.' I told you I liked it."

"I looked at it, I'm in it. I'm in the photo.

There's not much more I can do with this photo."

We've been together my entire life.

We started dating when I was like, 21. I'm 37 now.

Like, I went from like, my mom to her.

So I don't even know what it feels like to not have some lady be like,

"I don't know if I would do that," you know.

And now we have a daughter, so I'll never know.

I'll never know.

We get in fights, you know, still.

And when you're married for a long time, fighting is... It can happen...

It's open 24 hours, basically.

At any time.

We got in a fight recently, at 3 a.m.

We woke up to get in this fight.

We have a dog, and our dog like, freaks out when it thunders.

And so we have sedatives to give her,

because there's only so many times you can tell a dog it's just thunder,

before you're like, "She's not getting it."

You're like, "Just take this."

So I woke up, I had to wake my wife up, and I was like, "Where are the sedatives?"

She was like, "In the cabinet."

So I go get them, I looked at the bottle and the bottle said they were expired.

I had to wake her back up and I was like, "These say they're expired."

She was annoyed and like,

"They're not expired, they're new pills in an old pill bottle."

I was like, "I should have thought of that. That's my fault."

"People come to our house, they get milk and they ask 'Is this milk expired?'

and I have to go, 'That's new milk in an old milk jug.

Are you the stupidest person I've ever met?

Why would you not assume that's what it is?'"

That's roughly what I told her. It wasn't as fun as that.

And then she goes all in

and tells me it doesn't matter because dog medicine can't even expire.

I was like, "You've never even heard a rumor about that. You don't know that."

We don't know any dog medicine people. I know who she knows.

We don't know one dog medicine maker that's texting her,

"We're doing some big things at the dog medicine factory.

I wanted to let you know first,

but we've invented medicine that can't expire.

Feel free to tell your husband at 3 a.m."

We do have a daughter as well.

We took her to Disneyland when she was two.

People told us that was a mistake.

We didn't ask anybody, but they were happy to tell us.

There were like, "You're wasting money, she won't remember it."

I was like, "She believes in Minnie Mouse.

Minnie Mouse is like real to her. It's like fun to see her get excited.

Should I just lock her in a closet

and be like, 'Do you remember yesterday? No?'"

"Until you start remembering things,

I'm not going to waste any of my money on you, all right?"

We're trying to discipline her too,

and it's hard to discipline kids nowadays.

You can't do it, you can't spank them,

you can't talk about it in a microphone for sure so...

So what do you do? You've got to hope it works out.

Spanking got blown out of proportion.

You would see a video of a lady fighting her kid in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

They're like, "You're not supposed to spank."

You're like, "That was a regular fight."

"That's not what we're talking about."

I was spanked, my generation was. It was fine.

If you talk to really old generations, they act like they were beat with bats.

They say stuff, you're like, "That doesn't sound

like that should have been happening.

You should have called the police or something."

They're like, "The police would hit us as well, everybody was hitting us!"

It's fun to be back home. I've got my 20-year high school reunion this year,

and I'm pretty excited, I'm pretty invested.

I didn't go to college, so this is like the last group of people I met,

so I...

I mean, I cannot wait. I love it.

I went to the ten-year. Loved it.

Suggested a 15. No one wanted it.

Finally, the 20 this year.

My buddy told me, "I'm going to lose weight for our 20-year reunion."

And that always feels... You know, "Why don't you lose it

for the people that were in your life every day for the past 20 years?"

"You've made your wife stare at your moose body for 15 years."

"Why don't you tone it up for her?"

He's like, "No, I'll just save it for the people I hate."

I'm going as is. Just, you know... This is what happened.

I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. I...

I didn't work out then, I didn't start when I left,

so I'm just seeing how it's going to go.

I do zero working out.

Not even... I mean, it's not like you're like, "Whoa, wow."

Like, it's like "Yeah, we figured that."

Every hotel I go to, I ask if they have a gym.

I don't even have clothes that I could work out in.

There's no way... I'm like, "Is it 24 hours?

I was going to start tonight at midnight. I was wondering if that's..."

What I've learned, what's easier than working out

is just tell people that you used to weigh 300 pounds.

That's a lot. They don't know, you know? So...

I've never weighed 300 pounds,

but I look pretty amazing for a guy that used to weigh 300 pounds.

You're like, "Yeah, I got tired of being tired, all right?

Today's my cheat day obviously, but normally I'm pretty strict."

I just don't eat anything healthy.

I eat, like...

I like apples, but I only like pre-cut apples.

I won't eat a whole one. You know, I'm not a horse, all right?

Could you guys do some work over there at the apple factory?

However apples get here.

I've watched a lot of documentaries that try to make you eat better.

I watched Fed Up and it's just about all the food that I eat every day.

There was nothing in it that I haven't had recently.

You know that saying, "I haven't had that in forever"?

I haven't said that in forever. There's nothing I haven't had.

Airheads, that's like, "Are they still doing good?"

"Yah, they're doing great."

"They've got more colors now, it's pretty fun."

I go to too much chain stuff. That's...