Sugar & Spice

Single file.

Stay to the right of the line.

Take your time.

Take a good look.

Hey, um, are you sure they can't see us?

One-way mirror, ma'am.

Picture, in 3...2...1.

* girls hit back *

* when you least expect *

* where you most regret it *

* girls think they're misunderstood *

* but I know goddamned well *

* all the things they do they do to nerve me *

* I don't mean to say it *

* but somebody needs to put an end to girls *

* wish I didn't need them *

a heinous crime has been committed here.

Should you decide that your testimony

might jeopardize your personal safety--

look, sipowicz, i said I'd tell you everything.

I was just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in.

Let's start with the one that thinks her butt don't stink...

Diane Weston.

She's like a damn poster child for high school.

Morning, sunshine.

Remember, these are the best days of your life.

So far.

Lisa: she's the "a" squad captain.

She stole that title from me.

You should charge her with that.

Woman: alright, let's take it from the top.

Man: and one, and two, and one, and two...

One, and two--

hi, Bruce. You look cute.

Tommy hilfiger.

I'm hoping 4th year's the charm.

Heh.

Outta my way, Bruce. I'm up.

Lisa... is that you?

I lost a little weight.

Wow.

This really should've been my year.

I had a lot of work done.

I mean, I had done a lot of work over the summer.

You could tell i made her nervous.

But they have to, you know, spread the talent around, so...

I've been on the "b" squad for 4 years.

Now, the squad as a whole...

They're closer than Carolina cousins.

I mean, some people say they're like cousins or something,

but that's just mostly the egg-offs in band.

Truth is they're so close

they all get their monthly visit from aunt Rose

at the same time.

This one's Hannah wald.

She's like this uberchristian,

doesn't really say much.

In fact, if she wasn't kind of pretty,

you'd go, "hey, who's the tart?"

Then there's Cleo Miller.

Number one: not a real c-cup.

I've been in the locker room.

And number 2...

She has to see the school shrink.

She's completely obsessed

with conan o'brien.

Miller: dreams?

You mean like where I'm in conan's all-leather apartment?

Heh. I mean, i don't know if he has one,

but that's why it's a dream.

And suddenly, we're buck-naked and all oiled up.

I don't know where the oil comes from,

but, again, that's why it's a dream.

Lisa: then there's Kansas hill, the original bad seed.

Son of a blue-balled bitch, i always get this one!

Mouth on her could stop a bull in heat.

She gets her brain from her mother.

Kansas' mom's been in prison

ever since the day she was born.

She was just lying there, in labor with Kansas,

when she hears something going on in the next bed.

Turns out it's Kansas's dad

taking a nurse's temperature.

Stay with me. I'm trying to be delicate.

Anyway, she whips out a shotgun

and blows his ass to kingdom come.

So, she got life without parole

and now Kansas lives with her grandparents.

And then there's Lucy.

Geek extraordinaire.

A walking left brain.

She's supposed to have this genius IQ, but the truth is

she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak.

Ok, hands in, ladies.

Today, we're gonna cheer loud,

jump high, and look pretty because...

All: cheerleaders kick...

Let's get going, 'cause no one ever got ahead

by sitting on their behind.

* oh, yeah *

Lisa: school year started off like normal.

Principal Smith gave his pep talk.

Smith: if you are approached to buy drugs,

let someone you trust know.

If you are thinking of harming yourself,

or others...

Let someone know.

If it burns when you urinate,

have milky seepage,

or are being touched by an uncle,

let someone know.

Uhh.

Girl: come on, you guys!

Let's hear it for the Lincoln "a" squad!

Lisa, voice-over: "A" squad? Right.

I was doing better dance numbers in grade school.

It really burned my toast.

[Gary glitter's rock and roll, part two]

Now, I know it's my duty to give you all the facts.

So I'm gonna have to say that their cheer blew

like a bulimic after Christmas dinner.

Their blatant disregard

for national high school cheerleading association rules

made me sick.

Basket toss flips and woolfall pyramids

over 2 people high are strictly prohibited.

Yeah!

I made a complete report and sent it in.

Crowd: hey! Go, Lincoln!

Hey! go, Lincoln!

Hey...go...lincoln!

And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for...

Man: transferring from Truman high,

the new star quarterback

of our mighty fightin' lincolns,

Jack bartlett!

Lisa: that's when Jack and Diane met.

Nobody saw it coming...

Especially not Jack.

Pffft! ha ha ha ha!

Jack was fine.

Oh, man, was he fine.

It was like he was a bar of chocolate

and the whole school was on the rag.

Everyone wanted a piece of him.

Jack bartlett.

Jack Bart-lett.

Jack bartlett.

Is Jack bartlett interested in me?

Girl: I'm sorry,

can someone else please run the board?

It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings

of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Hannah, in order to get real answers from netherworld,

you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board.

Your kind is pure. The devil won't mess with you.

Well, uh, technically,

I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. What!

At church camp this summer, I'm pretty sure I had,

you know, my first orgasm.

Any sentence that starts with, "at church camp..."

Ain't leading to the big "o."

That's not true. Those pictures of Christ,

all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross,

always kinda made me hot.

I wanna know what happened.

Ok, well, one night around sunset,

I went horseback riding with the nuns.

They went every night.

And we're trotting pretty hard, you know?

All of a sudden, i feel--

I feel just super-alive, you know?

Maybe I'll just ask the question myself.

Is Jack bartlett interested in me?

Hee.

He is.

Girl: hey, man, is this thing, like, on?

Ok, I'm just here to announce my candidacy

for the homecoming queen.

Uh, I plan to spread the word on 4-h.

It's all about the cows, man...

Lisa, voice-over: I'll be honest with you-- most of us realized

we didn't have a whore's chance in heaven with Jack,

the day of the candidate speeches.

Youth...

And agriculture.

4-h! 4-h rules!

Boy: thank you, sir.

Diane: good job.

Um, as--as the a-v club candidate--

I think, for the-- for the first time in 50 years--

uh, we should-- we should say no.

We should say no to a football player as king.

Vote brains over brawn--

ha ha ha!

Aw.

Woo!

Lisa, voice-over: It was the first time

most of us even heard Jack speak.

Thanks, wow, heh heh.