Two and a Half Men

Hey, there he is!

High five. Down low.

Too slow.

Come here, clown.

Upside down.

Hello, Charlie.

Judith, how's it going?

Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how I mop the floor with my hair.

Well, it's not really mopping.

It's more like dusting.

And what if you drop him on his head?

Then I guess I will have to mop.

Wonderful. Where's Alan?

He's in the kitchen.

Walk this way.

Master...

your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here.

I'm not ambivalent; I'm exploring.

Yes, mistress.

Thanks for bringing Jake over.

Well, I wanted to give you this anyway.

What is it?

It's the bill from my divorce lawyer.

You haven't been paying them.

Told you they'd notice.

I also need you to look this over and sign it.

And what is this?

My lawyer recommended I take out

a bigger life insurance policy on you,

you know, in case you should die

and can't pay the alimony and legal fees.

Why don't you have him frozen?

Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold, too.

And who's supposed to pay for this policy?

You are, and please, try to be on time with the premiums.

Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle's

looking pretty good right about now.

Okay, well, as long as we're on the subject

of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended

that I redraft my will, and you know what?

If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake?

Charlie.

Charlie?!

Me?

What about my sister?

I never liked your sister.

Is this the sister I slept with?

Shut up, Charlie. Shut up, Charlie.

Alan, you can't be serious.

He's immature. He drinks too much.

He sleeps around. He's completely irresponsible.

Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you threw me out.

Yeah.

All right, Alan, you're obviously angry

and trying to get even with me,

but I am not going to take the bait.

I will see you on Sunday.

Buh-bye.

Hey, man, thanks.

For what?

For trusting me, you know,

to take care of Jake when you croak.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Y-You didn't think I was serious, did you?

Uh, I just said that to piss her off.

Oh, right.

Good one.

Hey.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

That's not fair.

Why don't I get to keep the kid when you're dead?

If I'm dead... and-and Judith would have to die before me

for it to even be an issue.

It-it-it's a contingency plan

for a hypothetical worst case scenario.

I know it's a long shot,

but I had the Marlins in the World Series.

Don't tell me they don't come in.

It never occurred to me

that you'd even want to be a full-time parent.

This isn't about what I want; this is about what you want,

and you don't want me to have Jake.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Why'd you say my name?

Get over yourself. No one said your name.

So, what's wrong with me?

Charlie, you're a great uncle.

You're there for all the fun stuff, but I just...

I don't think you're up to the hard work

of being a full-time parent to Jake. What?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, if not me, then who are you giving him to?

I'm not giving him to anybody.

He's not a five-pound ham.

You know what I mean.

Who gets him in that scenario thing?

Cousin Jerry and his wife Faye.

Jerry and Faye? Why Jerry and Faye?

Well, they-they've got a good marriage,

three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard,

and they live in a great school district.

Yeah, but I'm your brother.

Charlie, it's not... And I live

right here-- you wouldn't have to ship him off to...

Cornhole, Kansas.

Coventry, Rhode Island.

Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

I don't know. Dorothy and Toto?

All right, Alan, let me ask you something.

If I'm here,

and Jake's in Rhode Island,

who's going to teach him all the things he needs to know?

Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

I'm talking about the important stuff about life.

Face it, when the time comes, are those two eggheads

going to step up and get your kid laid?

You're not helping your case, Charlie.

Fine, you've made your decision.

Despite all I've been through with your son, my nephew,

obviously, I have no say in the matter.

Oh, where are you going?

Well, Alan, quite frankly,

I'm a little hurt and a little disappointed,

so I'm going to go make myself a big glass of vodka

and sit and think about things.

Charlie, Charlie, wait.

Okay, how 'bout this?

If Judith dies, and then I die,

and then Jerry and Faye die,

Jake will come live with you.

Yeah, like I'm going to outlive Jerry and Faye the way I drink.

What do you say to Grandma?

Can I at least open it first?

Jake...

No, he's right.

Wait and see if he likes it.

Now you can thank me.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm kidding.

No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy.

This is for your daddy.

What do you say, Dad?

Don't push me, Jake.

That's my new photo for the Sunday Real Estate section.

I thought maybe you'd like

a color print of it for your office.

Gee, Mom, we've already got

the one of you swimming with dolphins.

So you didn't bring me anything?

Of course I brought you something.

There.

Crayons? I'm ten.

Well, it's not just crayons, sweetheart.

It's also a dinosaur coloring book.

But I'm ten.

You want to trade?

No, I'm good.

So...

where's your brother?

Why, what'd he get?

Nothing. I just want to make sure he knows why.

He's in his room.

He's been sulking all weekend.

Sulking? About what?

Well, it's the silliest thing.

I-I-I just happened to mention

that in the unlikely event

that Judith should die and I should die,

then custody of Jake would go to...

Custody of Jake would go to who?

Uh, actually, it would be "whom."

Alan, who gets Jake?

Now, see, that's grammatically correct.

Alan...

Jerry and Faye.

Jerry and Faye who?

Your sister's son and his wife.

Them?!

You would bypass your own mother

in favor of two potato farmers on Long Island?

They're agriculture professors in Rhode Island.

Really? Who am I thinking of who lives on Long Island?

I have no idea.

Well, regardless, I am deeply insulted.

Oh, come on, Mom, this is only if Judith and I both die,

and we're not dying, at least, not before you.

Oh.

Now you're wishing me dead.

No, no, Mom, no, it...

Give me back my picture.

No...

Better you should look at it and feel shame.

Hey, want to play one on one?

Sure.

Take it out.

One-nothin'.

You know that Rhode Island isn't really an island?

That's just a flat-out lie.