You Me Her

What if you really are Mr. Right There in Front of Me?

Previously on You Me Her...

Hey. Can I talk to you privately?

Uhh!

- Emma, what the fuck is going on? - I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

- Fuck you. - I just want you to know what I said that night...

- "It's not me, it's you?" - Yeah. There's nothing wrong with you.

You are perfectly Nina Martone.

I already work insane hours at Pinnacle,

and if I make partner, it's gonna be even worse, so...

I was assuming you were coming home, not coming to get us.

My rate is $40 an hour,

minimum five hours per day, five days per week.

- We can start looking at daycares. - Thank you.

- Fuck! - What?

I forgot about my meeting with Sasha and her grandma.

It is only a matter of time before those two

gravitate back to the world that they know.

How long are you gonna live their life instead of your own?

Hey, the Wilbergs are putting their place on the market.

- You wanna check it out? - What's the harm in that?

- Are you looking for the party? - I'm looking for my girlfriend.

God, I love that house.

What's not to love? I'd move there.

Well, fuck.

How long do you think they can keep this up?

I hate that I still find this shit show so damn riveting.

I've surrendered to the shame.

I want to walk away,

but my body is just not listening to my brain.

Well, here they are, the Trakarskys, back on the block.

- No, I... I wouldn't... - No, no, no. We're not back on the block.

We were just next door, visiting...

So I didn't just catch you guys house shopping?

What? No!

You're gonna laugh 'cause this is a real, like, uh...

- Funny story. - ... you know, Hawthorne Heights story.

We were at Helen Wilberg's house.

Turns out she's a virtuoso baker...

Uh, yeah.

... who is opening her own shop, and wanted us...

- ... to try her... cupcakes. - We test them.

- Remember? - Yes.

- Yes. - Yes, I remember.

It just happened, of course you remember.

And it was... They were delicious, right?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Tell her. I mean, they were like... Mwah.

They were... It's hard to explain.

- Are you kidding? - Props for the weird specificity

and going all in with the "mwah." But you lie just as bad as your ex.

Sometimes they're so bad at lying, it's adorable.

Other times, not so much.

- No, seriously, they were delicious. - Really...

Highly inventive use of the, uh, cranberry and the Brandy.

- I was gonna mention that, yes. - Brandy.

And... Well! Look at... Oh, my God!

- They're selling the house. - Babe. Babe. Just...

Why didn't Helen mention that to us when she was baking the cupcakes?

Just let it go. Let it go.

So it's official.

Greg Kinnear's weird little brother knocks you up,

- and I'm history? - Okay, that is offensive...

and flattering.

Kylie, I... I don't know where to start.

I'd recommend starting like this:

"My name is Emma,

and I'm a tourist lesbian asshole

who just wasted five months of your life."

- Kylie, we created the most... - Shaun, come on.

... amazing life together and

it really almost felt like it could be real.

But if I'm completely honest with myself,

I am in love with these two.

- I really hope... - Oh, stop. Please, just stop.

Way deep down, I knew that you were just dragging me through

your elaborate mental breakdown.

Kylie, you're right.

And I'm really sorry.

I didn't just come here to fight for you, Em.

You becoming managing partner just stopped being

a "someday" kinda thing, babe.

Carlin's announcing his retirement and his successor

sooner than expected.

- Like how much sooner? - Like Tuesday.

Only way you don't get it is if you're not there.

I have no clue why, but I don't wanna see that happen.

Whoops!

Things just got a little more complicated, huh?

So... Andy.

- Yep. He's back. - Crazy.

- Bananas. - All the... fruits.

Are you gonna keep seeing him? Or...

I... I... I don't know.

Well, he did go crazy over me.

I mean, he got drunk

and then he moved to the woods for a couple weeks.

I could go way crazier than that.

Certifiable, you know.

I'm not an idiot, Nin. I mean, I...

I know I'm not your dream guy.

That's not true.

Actually, I had a sex dream about you.

- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, well... do tell.

All I remember is, um,

waking up screaming in a cold sweat.

Yeah, that's called a nightmare.

- Oh, right. Sorry. - Yeah...

Whenever I'm with you, I always end up smiling.

And...

I'm... I'm starting to think

that maybe that's more important than it sounds.

That being said, I need a minute.

Oh. Totally. I understand. Yeah, that... that's fair.

59...

58...

57...

56...

Shall we sum up?

Uh, could I have some coffee first?

Okay.

So Emma left us to start a new life in Seattle,

came back, and the three of us had...

objectively transcendent sex. Would you agree?

- Yes, it was very nice sex. - Agreed.

And then she left again. Would you like some strawberries?

Yes, please.

Six weeks later, she finds out she's miraculously pregnant,

comes all the way back to Seattle on the midnight train,

and then has an epiphany that she still loves us

and does indeed want to have a baby.

Okay, just to be clear, I'm the prick in this story?

- Just this chapter. Seems to rotate. - Oh.

And then I catch the two of you,

blissful and beaming after checking out a house

that is so quintessentially Hawthorne Heights,

it somehow smells like pumpkin spice from the fuckin' street.

Iz, what's your point?

Here it comes.

Look at me...

in the eye.

Have you already made up your mind

about raising that baby in this loft?

Me?

Yeah, you.

For the record, I never voted yes on this place, so...

So you hate it?

No, I love it. Are you kidding me?

I've always dreamt of living in a...

- industrial loft like this. - Really?

Yeah, and then I got pregnant and realized there was no way in hell

this brick racquetball court makes any sense for a baby.

I mean, fuck, you're right.

We'd have to learn sign language

just to have a conversation while the gnocchi's sleeping.

Here's the thing. If we just...

If you just gave the Wilberg house a chance,

if you saw the inside of it, it's, like, it's pretty...

Look, guys, there's no denying this is complicated,

but we'll figure it out, okay?

Together. We'll figure it out together.

- Whatever. Fine. - Like everything else.

- Okay? - Okay?

Bring it in.

Okay.

Get your big Trakarsky lips off my face.

What is it?

Just my dad.

And...

He keeps trying to give me the boots

he doesn't remember giving me for my 17th birthday.

Seems like it really means something to him.

They were Wittner.

- Probably super fucking fly, right? - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'll go talk to him.

Enjoy your breakfast.

- Bye, babes. - Bye.

You know what sounds good?

A pineapple and salmon pizza.

- Ugh. - Mm-hmm.

- For breakfast? - Mm-hmm.

We really are pregnant, Em.

Yes, we are.

Hey! There you are!

Our young girls are off to first day of daycare.

And it's all good. It's... it's no big deal.

- It's... it's totally fine. - Are you sure?

Aren't these little backpacks adorable?

They make these teensy, tiny, little backpacks

to give to parents who rush their teensy, tiny kids

off to... the care of complete strangers.

Carmen.

It just seems like yesterday that we were

finally wiping the last of the baby goop off of Lily.

And Callie... I mean, she says the F word

better and more frequently than either of us. And they're just...

... super weird in their...

... amazing incredible ways that nobody else could possibly understand.

And I thought that you were dropping them off.