Alfie Darling

Alfie, France.

Tell you what though, a pretty smooth crossing.

Smooth as silk.

Yeah, how do you know?

You never even came up on bloody deck.

We could feel the motion all the way down here.

I think I'm going down for the third time.

Hurray!

Alfie, come on, man, hurry up.

Customs.

Keep your hair on.

Passports?

Here.

Right, merci.

No, mate.

Only her.

Right.

Come on, Bakey, move over.

Oh, all right.

All right then?

No complaints.

It's marvellous, bloody marvellous,

that's what it is.

You only met her on the boat.

Come on, darling.

What you going to Paris for then?

I have a job there.

What kinda job?

School teacher?

What?

Watch what you're doing then.

- Ta-ra. - Ta-ra, love.

Go then, off we go.

School teacher?

I must say she taught me a thing or two.

I know.

You're lost in wonder and amazement.

Maybe it's that bloody perfume

you keep slopping all over yourself.

Anyway, whatever it is you got,

I wish I had some of it.

Trouble with you, Bakey lad,

is you got no confidence.

You just tell yourself there isn't a girl

in the whole world that wouldn't fall flat on her back

as soon as she sees you, and it'll happen.

You just have to believe it, that's all.

Well, having driven a few thousand miles with you, Alfie,

I think I bloody well do believe it.

Hello, what's this?

Can you see her?

Here, put your foot down, Alfie,

keep up with her.

Hello, darling.

Give us a kiss then.

Bloody hell.

What she look like?

Oh, not bad.

Not bad at all.

Now, that is what I call a real bit of class.

They're all the same underneath,

two of one and one of the other.

I could really screw that, couldn't you?

Lad, women like that eat little boys like you

for breakfast and spit the pips out.

Probably hiding from some rich geezer.

No, bet he's slaving and working his balls off

while she can piss around in a flash car like that.

Give her a flash.

See if she'll give us one.

Give her the horn, Alfie.

She's giving me the fucking horn.

Turn around then, love.

'Ere, watch it, we've got the law.

Fucking cops.

They're all the same.

Could have done without the bloody escort.

Yeah.

It must have cost us half an hour.

You'd think he'd have something better to do.

Right.

Hello, man.

Tiny, I thought you were in England.

I blew me engine in Trieste, didn't I?

Blown a few things in Trieste myself.

I bet you have an' all.

Ciao, Roberto.

Have you seen that?

It's the bird we were flashing.

How do you do?

What you doing here, slumming?

You eat here, don't you?

Oh, I eat here all the time.

Why?

It's the best food for miles around.

There you are then.

There's a posh motel down the road.

I though that would have been more your style.

Yes, well, the food's appalling

and the prices are a joke.

Merci.

You object to my eating here?

No, it livens the place up.

Just didn't think it was your cup of tea, that's all.

Oh, I see, working classes only and all that.

Something like that.

I work just as hard as you do.

Bet you couldn't handle a 32-ton truck

like I've got outside.

I don't know.

I think I probably could if I put my mind to it.

You know something?

I think you could an' all.

Let's have a look at that.

I never thought I'd live to see the day.

What's that then?

When you failed to score with a bird.

What do you fancy then?

I'm not so sure.

Alfie?

Hello, Louise,.

The same.

What about your old man, all right?

Good.

Hey, what about the coq au vin?

Coq au vin?

I've never tried that.

I once knew a girl who liked to put honey on it.

The Boeuf Bourguignon is very good.

Boeuf Bourguignon.

Oh, I'm not so sure about that.

How about you, Bakey?

I don't know, think I'll have egg and chips.

Not very adventurous, is he, darling?

Don't rush me, I like to take me time.

Coq au vin then.

Just for a laugh.

And.

Hello, my friend.

How are you?

Where are you going this time?

Rouen.

Oh, well, maybe you stay here tonight, eh?

No, no, we're gonna lay off at Rouen.

It'll only take us about an hour to get there.

Oh, no, no, there's no use flogging yourself to death.

I think we might stop over tonight.

Oh, listen, man, we're hours late already.

Look, I must go back to the kitchen, but maybe later,

we have time for cognac or armagnac, okay?

- Yeah, it's fine. - Good.

- Bon appetit. - All right.

Bloody birds.

Don't you ever think of anything else?

No.

Oh, Alfie.

You are wonderful.

I know.

Alfie, oh, Alfie.

Oh!

Oh, Alfie.

It's getting light.

You must go.

Please.

Don't worry about your old man.

I've taken care of that.

Ravelli.

Well, that's it, girl.

Bye, girl, bye.

Twice is enough for one night.

Anyway, I'll be back this way in a couple of days.

Alfie.

Now, don't start.

But I love you, Alfie.

Hello, Alfie.

Bonjour, Pierre.

Did Louise give you something for breakfast?

Oh, I had a little nibble.

Just enough to keep me going.

Coffee?

Yes, please.

You're a lucky man.

Very fine, strong body.

Come on, Pierre.

You look okay to me.

Oh.

A bit too much around the middle,

but a bit of exercise'll take that off for you.

Exercise, oh, no.

I have bad heart.

I have to be careful.

No exercise.

Not at all?

Not even a bit of the other?

No.

Doctor's orders.

No exercise, just fishing.

If the doctor told me that, I'd shoot me self.

If I was in your position, I'd get drunk,

go into my wife's room, and give her the greatest bang