The Black String

She says you gave her the wrong change.

-Did I? -Yeah, you did.

You owe her four more dollars.

Yes, Mrs. Everly. It won'’t happen again.

See you next week.

Honey, it'’s Mom.

Haven'’t heard from you in a while.

Uh, I'’m sure you're busy.

But please call when you can. Your dad needs to talk to you.

Bye.

Good evening. Welcome to Stop-N-Go.

Let me get a pack of Blues and some rubbers.

Pardon?

Condoms.

Are there, uh, any particular condoms you'’re looking for, like mediums?

There'’s a piña colada flavor.

-Cherry, black licorice, I don'’t-- - I don'’t fucking care.

Just pick one, okay? Yeah, that one'’s good.

Condoms, cigarettes, and, uh,

one giant lollipop.

Your total is $13.66.

You guys have a good night.

-You know I'’m going to. -See you.

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Are you sitting at home all alone

while hundreds of sexy singles are having fun?

If you'’re looking for adventure,

pick up the phone and call the all-night party line.

Sexy singles in your neighborhood

are looking to connect with you.

Jonathan.

What are you waiting for?

Call 1-900-231-1366 and meet somebody tonight.

Hundreds of singles are just a phone call away.

Call now.

Hello?

Hi. I'’ve been waiting for you.

Jonathan.

Pick up the phone.

Hello. This is Hot Chat.

What do you wanna do?

Hey, Johnny boy!

Hey, sorry I'’m late, man. I got caught up.

Fucking Tito made me watch his snake eat a fucking mouse, man.

It was fucking crazy, dude.

-Smell this. -Come on, dude. You know I can'’t.

I'’m just checking.

And you passed the test.

All right, I stocked the coolers, rotated expiration dates,

and because you'’re late, I even cleaned the bathroom. I gotta get out of here.

What'’s the rush?

No rush. I'’m just... I'’m going out with some chick.

All right, drawer'’s good. All yours.

Whoa, whoa, you stop right there.

Did you just say you'’re going out with some chick?

Yeah, but you don'’t know her.

Listen, man. The ERC knows every pair of tits in this town.

And there aren'’t many left to choose from.

So please invite me.

Who'’s the mystery woman?

I'’m telling you, you don'’t know her, man.

Well, come on, give me a name.

Dena. Sound familiar?

Dena? I know a Christina. Nice ass.

I know a Gina, like that Latina. Fuego.

I don'’t know a Dena. Is...

-Is she hot? -I don'’t know.

You don'’t know?

How the fuck do you not know?

All right, promise you won'’t laugh.

I promise. I promise.

I met her on a singles'’ hotline.

Define "singles'’ hotline."

Singles'’ hotline. You know, you call a 1800 number,

and they hook you up with "sexy singles" in your neighborhood and--

Phone hotline?

Are you fucking with me?

Whoo!

Hello!

You didn'’t think a dating site would be a better option?

You got Christian sites, porn sites, midget sites, all sorts of sites.

Anything with pictures, man.

-You don'’t start-- -Dude.

You always swept me for being lame.

Do nothing but sitting at home, so tonight, I said, "Fuck it.

I'’m taking Eric's advice."

I'’m going for it, just like you said.

If the ERC inspired tonight'’s journey,

I will not hold you back.

You have my blessing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take those.

Dude, you do not want your dick falling off

the first night you pull it out of the attic.

I'’m keeping my pants zipped up tonight, man.

Hey! Fifty bucks says she'’s a he!

And I'’m fucking proud of you!

Are you Jonathan?

That'’s me.

Let'’s go.

Do you do this a lot?

What'’s that?

Call that number,

go out with random girls like me.

No. This was my first time.

I didn'’t think people called hotlines anymore.

Figured I'’d be the only one on the phone.

Do you think it was worth it?

Sure.

It'’s good to meet cool people like you.

Have you called the number before?

A few times.

So you'’ve been on a lot of dates like this?

If I told you I'’d been on a lot of these kind of dates,

you might get the wrong impression.

What'’s the impression?

That I'’m a slut.

No.

Don'’t say that. There'’s nothing wrong with being a sl--

I mean, wanting to make new friends,

that'’s all we're doing here, right?

It seems like you'’re very uncomfortable.

Like you don'’t want to be here.

I, uh...

I'’m happy to be here.

We'’re having a great time.

I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable tonight. That wasn'’t my intention.

You want to get out of here?

So where are we going next?

Figured I'’d be a gentleman and get you home early.

No, I don'’t... I don'’t want to go there.

I don'’t want to be in that house with all those people, you know?

We can go to the movies.

Well, can'’t really get to know you in the movies.

Why don'’t we go to your place?

Hey, uh, you can'’t smoke in here.

Why?

Manager'’s rules.

You want a drag?

I quit. I don'’t smoke anymore.

Well, I hope you didn'’t quit everything,

because that would be really fucking boring.

You like it?

Yeah.

Just... You know, quick drawing.

Nobody'’s ever drawn me before.

Which part of me do you want to draw next?

The front...

or the back?

Maybe we should pick this up another time.

What'’s the matter?

Are you scared of me, Jonathan?

Don'’t you like my body?

Look at me.

Look at me.

Do you like my body?

Yes.

Well, what is it, then? I'’m not good enough for you?

Is that it?

I... I just...

I shouldn'’t be doing any of this. It'’s...

It'’s not a good idea.

This was your idea.

You called the number, remember?

You said you wanted to fuck a girl like me.

Isn'’t that what you said?

I don'’t know.

You said you wanted it like this.

Right here.

Say it.

Say, "I want this to happen."

I want this to happen.

Say it again.

I want this to happen.

Thank you, sweetie.

Ringworm, scabies, herpes.

Dude, it could be anything, to be honest.

Oh, shit.

-You do not wanna see this. -What is it?

What is it, man?

-Dude, what-- -I can'’t even pronounce it. Chill out.

Okay, do you realize that you paid three bucks a minute...

for a fucking STD? You know that, right?

You don'’t know it's an STD. I mean, it could be poison ivy.

I just didn'’t know you could get poison ivy from vaginas.

Maybe it'’s poison oak.

Or just an allergic reaction. I-I don'’t know.

Maybe it was the fried chicken. I don'’t fucking know, dude.

It wouldn'’t grow this fast if it was an STD.

Or maybe you barebacked a disgusting phone skank

and you did not use protection.

She wasn'’t a skank at all.

She was actually really sweet,

and pretty, and really interesting and...