Parks and Recreation

GOOD MORNING, RON.

GOOD MORNING.

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY PAPERWORK, BUT DON'T HOVER.

- NICE BENCH. IS THAT NEW?

- NO, THAT'S BEEN THERE SINCE THE '90s.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY?

- NOTHING. I NEVER D--

- AHA! - OH, GOD.

- * BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY *

* IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

* IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND I KNOW WHEN IT IS *

RON REFUSES TO TELL ANYONE WHEN HIS BIRTHDAY IS.

HE'S EVEN HAD IT REDACTED ON ALL GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS.

THREE YEARS OF INVESTIGATIONS, PHONE CALLS,

FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUESTS,

AND STILL, I HAD NOTHING...

UNTIL A WELL-PLACED BRIBE TO A GENTLEMAN AT BASKIN-ROBBINS

REVEALED...

RON'S BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY.

- DAMN IT. I WAS SO CAREFUL.

WELL, YOU BLEW IT.

ALL FOR A FREE SCOOP OF RUM RAISIN.

WAS IT WORTH IT, RON? WAS IT?

- I COMMAND YOU TO DO NOTHING.

- I'M NOT GONNA DO NOTHING. I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING.

AND IT'S GONNA BE REALLY BIG.

I HAVE A LOT OF YEARS TO MAKE UP FOR.

- I DON'T LIKE LOUD NOISES AND PEOPLE MAKING A FUSS,

AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE CELEBRATING

BECAUSE THEY KNOW A PIECE OF PRIVATE INFORMATION ABOUT ME.

PLUS, THE WHOLE THING IS A SCAM.

BIRTHDAYS WERE INVENTED BY HALLMARK TO SELL CARDS.

*

- THEY PUT UP A FENCE. - WHO?

NO!

- WHAT'S THAT? - THERE'S A SMALL PARK

ON THE LINE BETWEEN PAWNEE AND EAGLETON, AND--

- LAST NIGHT EAGLETON PUT UP A FENCE AROUND THEIR SIDE

TO KEEP US DISGUSTING PAWNEE HOBOS OFF THEIR PRECIOUS LAND.

THERE'S EVEN A SECURITY GUARD.

YOU GOT TO SHOW EAGLETON I.D. TO GET IN.

- EAGLETON IS A BUNCH OF RICH SNOBS.

AND THAT'S COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS A MERCEDES...

WITH A HARMAN KARDON LOGIC 7 SURROUND-SOUND SYSTEM.

- WHO BUILDS A FENCE TO KEEP KIDS OUT OF A PLAYGROUND?

- THREE WORDS-- LINDSAY CARLISLE SHAY.

- WHO?

- LINDSAY CARLISLE SHAY AND I USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS.

WE WORKED TOGETHER AT THE PAWNEE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

THEN SHE WENT TO WORK IN EAGLETON

AND "FIXED HER DEVIATED SEPTUM" AND LOST 35 POUNDS

AND LOST SOMETHING ELSE.

WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?

OH, YEAH. HER SOUL.

- IS THE EAGLETON SIDE REALLY THAT MUCH BETTER

THAN THE PAWNEE SIDE? - TO BE FAIR, YEAH.

OUR SIDE IS THIS SCRAPPY PIECE OF LAND

WHERE KIDS GO TO SMASH FLUORESCENT LIGHT TUBES.

BUT IT HAS A LOT OF HEART.

- THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY WHEN SOMETHING SUCKS.

- WE SHOULD STAND UP FOR OUR TOWN, OKAY?

PAWNEEANS ARE JUST AS GOOD AS EAGLETONIANS,

ALTHOUGH ON AVERAGE, WE ARE SEVERAL INCHES SHORTER

AND 80 POUNDS HEAVIER.

- PEOPLE IN EAGLETON ARE STRAIGHT UP MEAN TO US.

I WOULD NEVER SET FOOT OVER THERE.

BUT IT'S THE ONLY PLACE THAT I CAN GET

MY BUMBLE AND BUMBLE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS,

SO I'M THERE EVERY EIGHT DAYS.

- OKAY, WELL, I AM ON "OPERATION NO MORE FENCE,"

SO I'M PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE OF "OPERATION RON'S PARTY--

COLON--SHOCK AND AWE." - I AM ALL OVER IT.

- I JUST NEED YOU TO DO WHAT'S ON THAT LIST.

- LESLIE HAS A LOT OF QUALITIES I FIND HORRIFYING.

BUT THE WORST ONE BY FAR IS HOW THOUGHTFUL SHE CAN BE.

- IT'S THE ONLY PARK IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

I MEAN, WHERE ARE MY KIDS SUPPOSED TO PLAY--

THE ROCK QUARRY? THERE'S ROCKS IN THERE.

- WHY DON'T WE JUST SET FIRE TO THE FENCE?

YOU KNOW, SET IT ABLAZE.

THAT'S ARSON.

- WELL, LET'S LEAVE THAT UP TO THE LAWYERS.

THE POINT IS, IT WOULD WORK.

- WHY DON'T WE BUILD A FENCE AROUND THEIR FENCE?

- WHY? - IT WOULD GIVE US...

TWO FENCES,

SO IF THEY NEEDED TO GET TO THEIR FENCE

FOR MAINTENANCE AND WHATNOT, THEIR PANTS MIGHT GET CAUGHT.

- MY SON JOEY TRIED TO SCALE THAT FENCE

TO PLAY ON THE EAGLETON SIDE,

AND HE FELL AND HURT HIS ARM.

YOU NEED TO GET THOSE PEOPLE TO TEAR THAT FENCE DOWN.

THIS WOMAN'S RIGHT.

I PROMISE YOU, CITIZENS OF PAWNEE

AND SWEET, BRAVE JOEY,

I WILL TEAR DOWN THAT FENCE.

- OKAY, I-I'M JUST GONNA SUGGEST ONE MORE TIME

THAT WE BURN IT DOWN.

BUT WHATEVER YOU GUYS THINK.

YEAH. GREAT.

YES, HI.

I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR INFLATABLE SAXOPHONES.

DO THOSE COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES?

I'M GONNA NEED ABOUT 40 DOZEN OF THOSE.

ALSO, WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEON GANGSTER FEDORA HATS?

UM...

THAT WAS RUDE. - WHATEVER'S GOING ON HERE,

STOP IT IMMEDIATELY.

- I WAS JUST TALKING ON THE PHONE.

- TO WHOM? - IT WAS PERSONAL.

I WOULD NEVER MAKE A WORK-RELATED CALL.

YOU KNOW THAT.

- LINDSAY! - LESLIE KNOPE.

both: HI.

- HAS IT REALLY BEEN FIVE YEARS?

- IT HAS. YOU LOOK AMAZING.

- THANK YOU. THIS PLACE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT--

STILL LOVEABLE, BUT GRIMY.

- HELLO, THERE. I'M BEN WYATT.

I'M ASSISTANT CITY MANAGER

HI, DAN.

- BEN. - IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT WON'T COME UP AGAIN.

- UH, THIS IS ANN. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND...

NOW.

AND, UH, SHE'S A NURSE, AND SHE WORKS AT A HOSPITAL.

- OOH. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- OH, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, NURSING...

YOU MUST BE SO TIRED. IT'S SAD.

- IT'S REALLY NICE OUTSIDE. SHALL WE SPEAK IN MY COURTYARD?

YEAH.

- WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.

- I WAS PASSING THROUGH PAWNEE ANYWAY.

I DO A LOT OF CHARITY WORK HERE.

THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN DO.

- YOU KNOW, I FOUND A PICTURE OF YOU FROM BACK IN THE DAY.

- LOOK ME AT THAT.

LET ME GET A CLOSER LOOK.

- SO LET'S TALK ABOUT LAFAYETTE PARK.

- OH, YES. THE FENCE.

I'M ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN.

- COME ON, LINDSAY, THIS ISN'T YOU.

WHEN WE USED TO WORK HERE TOGETHER,

WE LOVED THE FACT THAT PARKS WERE FOR EVERYONE.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM SO GREAT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GREAT?

A PRIVATE PARK THAT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.

- WOWSERS. - WHAT DO YOU CARE?

IT'S JUST A CRAPPY LITTLE PARK.

WELL, SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME

THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SMALL PARKS,

JUST SMALL IDEAS. - MM.

AND THAT SOMEONE...

WAS THIS WOMAN.

YOU CAN TAKE IT IF YOU WANT.

I HAVE MANY COPIES AND THE NEGATIVES.

AND I HAVE A JPEG.

THE FENCE STAYS UP.

- LINDSAY, IF WE-- - SWEETIE...

AND I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY,

PAWNEE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A DIRTY, LITTLE NIGHTMARE

FROM WHICH YOU WILL NEVER WAKE UP.

BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU.

- WHAT? I'M NOT ASLEEP. I'M AWAKE.

I'M WIDE AWAKE, AND I GOT MY EYES ON YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD'VE SAID

IF I HAD THOUGHT OF IT IN THE MOMENT.

WHAT DID I SAY INSTEAD?

- WOW, THIS IS WHERE THEY HAVE THEIR PUBLIC FORUMS?

- YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT. - THEY HAD A VALET.

- YES, EAGLETON IS NICER THAN PAWNEE.

AND, YES, BECAUSE OF THEIR CUPCAKE FACTORY,

THE AIR ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE VANILLA.

- OH, YEAH.

WOW. - BUT...

THEIR PEOPLE ARE NOT INHERENTLY BETTER THAN OUR PEOPLE.

THE ONLY THING THEY BEAT US IN

IS LIFE EXPECTANCY, BEAUTY PAGEANTS,

AND AVERAGE INCOME-- WHO CARES?

FACTOID ALERT--

EAGLETON WAS FOUNDED BY FORMER PAWNEEANS.

PAWNEE WAS ESTABLISHED IN MAY OF 1817.

AND BY JULY,

FINDING THE SMELL UNPLEASANT AND THE SOIL UNTENABLE,

ALL THE WEALTHY PEOPLE EVACUATED TO EAGLETON.

HELLO, PAWNEE.

WELCOME TO OUR PUBLIC FORUM.

- HI, I'M THOMAS MONTGOMERY HAVERFORD.

- OKAY. - WELL, NICE OUTFIT.

WHAT, DID YOU JUST COME FROM THE STABLES?

YES.

I WAS JUST AT THE STABLES. - OH.

- YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HARD.

YOU HAVE A MILLION FLYAWAYS RIGHT NOW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BORROW A MIRROR OR A SELF-HELP BOOK?

I WOULD NOT.

I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, LINDSAY--PUN INTENDED.

YOU KNOW IF I HAD YOUR JOB, THERE WOULD BE NO FENCE THERE.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE MY JOB,