Two and a Half Men

Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Like I do everything else around here--

with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

I'm serious.

I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Private? You get any more traffic down there,

you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap,

'cause it's all red and itchy especially right around my...

Excuse me.

I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage.

It's not a sausage problem.

It's more in the meatball area.

Kind of meatball adjacent.

Bet it's swamp ass.

What's swamp ass?

Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

I hate swamp ass.

You sure it's just a rash? What else could it be?

Well, since we're talking about your private area,

it could anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.

You get Ebola from monkeys, right?

Right.

It's just a rash.

A kid at school got swamp ass.

Cats followed him around for a year.

You know what? Let's just forget about it.

Oh, if only we could.

Speaking of school, we've got a big day ahead of us.

We've got to go shopping for supplies, clothes.

Nice segue, Dad.

Well, the subject was crying out for change.

Anyway, you're starting a new school.

You're gonna need new stuff.

Wait a sec.

Melonhead made it into junior high?

Yes.

So you passed summer school?

Sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"?

They said it was in everyone's best interest if I moved on.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means they promoted him.

He's starting junior high, and there's absolutely nothing

to be gained in asking how or why.

Okay, well, whatever.

I'm proud of you, man.

For what?

I don't know.

Hanging in there until they were sick of you.

Thanks.

So... junior high, huh?

Boy, that brings back some memories, doesn't it, Alan?

Can we please not go down that road?

What happened?

It's just that...

kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.

Especially if you're knocked up.

Thank you, Berta.

Of course, on the up side,

pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.

Did the guys who got 'em pregnant got any considerations?

No, not even a hall pass.

Are we quite done?

You'll see. Things will go great for you.

You just have to remember a few things.

Like what?

Well... always keep your lunch money in your shoe

but have some spare change in your pocket.

How come? Decoy money.

They won't stop hitting you till they get something.

Who are "they"?

The big kids holding you by your ankles

and plunging your head in the toilet.

Plunging my head in the toilet?!

Don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan.

It's not so much plunging as dipping.

Here's what you do.

Make friends with the janitor.

They usually have their own bathroom.

Okay.

Just never drink out of his Thermos.

All right.

And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you.

Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch.

Oh, oh, and if you have to shower after gym class,

remember, there is no shame in keeping your Jockey shorts on.

Really?

Okay, there's a little shame.

But the important thing is

the fellows won't be calling you "Shrinky dink."

Shrinky dink?

I'm a grower, not a shower.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a little present.

Your very own cell phone.

Oh, cool.

The important thing to remember is this is not a toy.

It's to use in emergencies only.

Emergencies? What emergencies?

CHARLIE (softly): Dad, come get me!

I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!

That only happened once.

If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you,

you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

Drug-sniffing dog?

There were no, there were no drugs.

That's true.

Turns out those dogs are also sensitive to urine.

I was in there for five hours.

Five hours?

But you don't have to worry about that.

You have a cell phone.

Which you should hide

where prisoners of war hid their watches.

Where was that?

Moving on.

I've pre-programmed the phone.

Speed dial one is me,

speed dial two is the nurse's office,

and speed dial three is the police.

The police? What for?

You'll know it when it happens.

Now, about race riots.

Try not to take sides.

If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men...

How do they feel?

Okay, but they're ugly.

They look like old people shoes.

They're not old people shoes.

They're walking shoes.

Right, for people who've been walking

over 85 years.

I'd rather get these. These are cool.

Listen, Jake, junior high is not about

being cool or popular.

It's about not getting mugged for your sneakers.

I can get mugged for my sneakers?

Not those sneakers.

No, not unless you go walking by

an assisted living facility in a rough neighborhood.

What are you doing?

Huh? Oh.

Sorry, this rash is driving me crazy.

I feel stupid in these.

Better to feel stupid than to be

tied to flagpole barefoot

while upperclassmen use you as a spittoon.

I don't want to be tied to a flagpole.

You won't be. Just wear the ugly shoes

and don't sit at the wrong lunch table.

Wrong table?

How will I know if it's the wrong table?

You'll be tied to a flagpole, right, Alan?

That also only happened once.

Let's just check the fit.

Ooh, good.

Plenty of room for lunch money.

* Men...

How come all my school clothes have to beige?

Because beige is not the color of any known gang.

Right, so instead of being mistaken for a Crip or a Blood,

you'll be mistaken for a very large Band-Aid.

Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless.

Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me. There's a line.

Yeah, I just got a couple things.

Well, I can see that,

but it's not really based on quantity of items.

It's more of a we-were-here- before-you kind of deal.

You gonna make a thing out of this?

There's no thing.

I'm just, uh, just playing by the rules

and wouldn't it be nice if everybody did the same?

Hang onto this, slick.

Now, you want to explain those rules again, jughead?

You know what?

If you're in such a big hurry, why don't you just go ahead?

Thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. Here.

No, no, not chicken, just good common sense.

Fighting accomplishes nothing.

Oh, I didn't know you were so French.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Julie.

Uh...

How do you know my wife?

What? Oh, no, no, no.

I-I-I don't know her.

You said, "Hey, Julie."

N-no, no. I-I-I sneezed.

Ay... chooie!