Marry Me

Wow, what a great trip.

Totally

So far

That was a perfect anniversary. Thank you.

Hands down the best trip I've ever take.

I cannot believe we have been dating for 6 years, and I'm 32.

I am 32. Wow.

You don't look a day over early 30's.

You know, you don't meet a lot of couples

That just date for 6 years, especially post-30.

Yeah, well, we're a special breed, You know, it's us, it's Goldie and Kurt,

And for a little while it was Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon,

But I think she's dating a ping-pong player now.

Tough titties for Timmy on that one.

Though teetons for Timbo.

Mm

Hey, I am pooped,

Which is the worst way to say that you're tired,

But I said it, so I'm sticking with it.

So I'm gonna go hit the sack,

Which is another terrible way to say...

Wait

I mean, just hang back, buddy.

Um, before the trip is officially over,

Are you sure there isn't anything else

You wanted to maybe, like, ask me or whatever?

I'll pop some champagne, or we could sit,

Or you could kneel, should that be more comfortable.

Ugh, champagne? I don't know,

What are we celebrating, how expensive that trip was?

Hey-o!

No, I'm exhausted, but you have at that champagne.

Have at, girl.

I can't believe you didn't propose on this trip, Jake!

There, I said it.

I said what everyone else has been thinking/asking me

For the last five years!

Where is the damn skinny girl?

Annie, turn around.

You think this is funny?

I have been in full hair and makeup for two weeks.

I painted my nails in the unisex bathroom of a Mexican tour bus.

And for what?

So my hand looked pretty when we high-fived

After you broke your record for most empanadas in a day?

What are you waiting for? We're in our 30s, buddy.

If we want to have a kid that's not all jacked up,

We better get to stepping.

We don't even live together. Wait a second.

You're the one who said you didn't want

To move in until we got engaged.

I love you, Jake, and I want to be together forever,

But do you not love me?

Then, please, free me while I still have an egg.

- Give me one egg. - Annie, of course...

One egg, and I'll pack my bag, and I'll go.

Of course I love you, okay? Would you just turn around?

Did your garbage friend gil get in your head again?

Garbage friend?

Gil didn't get divorced because "marriage blows."

He got divorced

'Cause he went on a four-year mozzarella marinara-thon

And now probably can't maintain an erection

For as long as sex takes.

Your friends are garbage people.

Hey, your best friend always says,

"Marriage isn't a good look," whatever that means,

And you don't call her a garbage person.

It's a front... every girl wants to get married, okay?

And Dennah might think that she's super cool now,

With her "marriage shmarriage" attitude and her stupid rompers,

But there's a storm a-coming, and it's called her early 40s,

So she better just switch over to aol tonight,

'Cause she is gonna be that weird, sad, short-haired aunt

Who brings a friend to everything.

Oh, my God. That was hard to follow.

Would you just turn around?

It's your mom, isn't it?

- Watch yourself. - She doesn't like me, does she?

Guess what, don't like her.

She's an angel walking amongst us.

She's the most negative person on the planet.

- She's been through a lot. - Of friends.

She's been through a lot of friends

'Cause she's a bitch.

Whoa, time out. Flag on the play.

I'm a catch, okay? I'm funny.

I do hot yoga a lot, and I didn't even freak out

When I caught you masturbating to an Us Weekly

Of that surfer girl who got her arm bitten off by a shark.

I will not apologize for that.

Bethany deserves to be treated just like everybody else.

Then why don't you go marry her

And have a ton of little one-armed babies together?

Oh, my God, turn the around!

What?

Mm.

Oh.

Yeah.

So, you know...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I would like that very much.

Wow.

That is... that's a beautiful ring.

Okay, everyone. Come on out.

What?

Hey, it's the whole gang.

Gang's all here.

Gil, looking good, not garbage-y at all.

Oh, and my dads are here.

Glad you guys could be here to share in whatever this is.

Hey, Dennah, girl.

I'm loving that romper.

Everybody's here.

Yes, yes.

Well, should we move on to the toasts?

Mom, do you want to kick us off?

Myrna... Mrs. Schuffman.

Okay.

Too soon to call you mom?

[Hom by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros]

I am so sorry about all of this, Taryn.

Thank you for coming.

Dennah, oh, my gosh,

Can we just chalk this up to constructive criticism?

Fearless feedback, Gil.

I love you. Dads...

Aw, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.

Eh.

Cute shoes, though.

Thanks for not trashing us.

Oh, my God, that was honestly the... whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You're leaving too?

- Uh, yeah. -

Jake, I am so sorry.

I love you more than myself, truly.

Thank you. That means a lot.

But I think I'm just gonna sleep at my place tonight,

- If that's okay. - No.

I love you more than anything.

I just don't want to be in this moment

For one more second.

Tough but fair.

It's really tough and really fair.

It's both. Jake, wait.

Just to clarify, though, we are engaged, or we're not?

'Cause I'd just love to, sort of,

Take a victory lap around the Internet.

Cannot joke my way out of this. Got you.

You know what? No, we're not engaged.

Not yet, because I don't want to tell this story

For the next 60 years.

So just... just let me propose again in a few days.

You think you can wait a few more days,

My... my crazy, little maniac?

Are you kidding?

Can I wait?

Yeah, I can wait.

I'm chill, you know?

I'm hella chill.

You do it. You don't do it.

You know, whatever. But definitely do it, right?

Sure.

What's the worst that can happen?

Oh, my God.

Wow, I feel so bad for them.

Totally, me too.

Mm.

Question, though.

When Annie was saying that stuff

About me not having great erections,

You think she actually, like, heard that from somebody,

Or is she just guessing based on my recent weight gain

And unpredictable crying?

Unclear.

But as long as we are chatting,

Are pele not feeling my rompers?

I mean, you guys can tell me

If you don't think this should be my signature look.

Oh, yeah, no.

I don't think that.

You look like a hypersexualized toddler.

Well, congrats.

That was your daughter in there, Kevin.

Oh, so when she gets into NY she's your daughter, Kevin,

But when she has a 15-minutes freak-out while we're stuffed

In a freestanding wardrobe, she's my daughter?

No, I mean, I think we can literally solve the mystery

Of which one of our sperms impregnated the surrogate,

Because that was classic you in there, Kev-O.

Um, didn't we sort of have a hunch

The first time we saw her skin?

We agreed that she could just be really light-skinned.

- Let's just call a spade a... oh. - Oh.

It's a figure of speech.

You passed my building, like, three choruses ago.

Oh, no.

Come on.