Small Town, Big Story

‫"Ho, ro, the rattlin' bog"

‫- "The bog down in the valley-o" ‫- Right, come on

‫- You are officially legless ‫- "The branch on the tree"

‫- "And the tree in the hole" ‫- Watch your head

‫"And the hole in the bog ‫and the bog down to the valley-o"

‫- "No!" ‫- "One more, one more on the way"

‫"No!"

‫"With the branch on the tree"

‫"The tree in the hole ‫and the hole in the bog"

‫"And the bog down to the valley-o"

‫"Well, it's two minutes to midnight"

‫"You've been supporting ‫Western Workplace Reviews"

‫"Boston"

‫"Thank you ‫to our guests for sharing..."

‫"Accessible..."

‫I will use this stick ‫and others like it

‫To defend my crops

‫But first, we must whittle

‫Oh God! ‫This is not good

‫- "Whittle away, my villagers" ‫- Whittling?

‫Whittle away ‫for the winter is what's in windy

‫- Is this is the final cut? ‫- "Whittle away"

‫Halt! Who goes there?

‫I am Celt!

‫Is this the guy whose wife ‫is in prison for stabbing someone?

‫She sporked a banker

‫Had she just watched this show?

‫I think the music works

‫- Thank you, Josh ‫- Shame about the rest of it

‫Shut up, Josh!

‫- Chet might like it ‫- You're going to get fired

‫Lame of Thrones

‫- Good one, sir ‫- "This show is a mess"

‫- It's a mess ‫- Okay, so we'll make a few tweaks

‫- In subsequent seasons ‫- Seasons?

‫"You want to make people ‫watch more of this shit?"

‫"At one point, I booed"

‫- Yeah ‫- "You made me boo our own show, Wendy"

‫I did this with zero help

‫Brad undermined me throughout

‫- What? ‫- "Linda just went AWOL"

‫And Josh is practically blind

‫- "That's crossing a line now" ‫- What?

‫Josh is blind

‫"Don't be ridiculous! ‫He's not blind"

‫Yes, sir, I am blind

‫- "When did you get blind?" ‫- I've been blind since birth

‫- That's right ‫- The glasses are usually the giveaway

‫"You're a blind television executive?"

‫Our most talented division heads ‫got promoted after the merger, sir

‫- "And your division was?" ‫- Podcasts

‫"You're doing a great job"

‫So, I Am Celt will have ‫its world premiere in Ireland next week

‫- I cannot wait ‫- "Wendy"

‫"You go and introduce ‫this show in your homeland"

‫"Handle the press, we'll decide ‫what to do with you when you return"

‫Can anyone else hear a sitar?

‫"I got to go ‫It's too damn hot in this office"

‫Pack your bags, Wendy

‫Thank you, ladies

‫Seamie?

‫Seamie, are you awake there?

‫I have something for you

‫Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry

‫No, it came for you this morning

‫- Is it about your doctor's license? ‫- No

‫No, that's all sorted

‫I go back to work today ‫for better or worse

‫Well, I'll get these eggs on, so

‫Barry?

‫It seems I'm a single man again

‫Look at us, the bachelor boys!

‫"For the new stout taps"

‫Holy shit cakes!

‫Jesus! That's hot tea

‫He's back, like a migraine

‫You signed it, then?

‫I'm late for school, Seamie ‫and you could have texted that

‫My suspension's been lifted ‫so I'm back to work

‫Well, Sonny'll be thrilled

‫Not too sure about the patients, though ‫They all loved that Locum

‫Dr. Perky-tits

‫Well, I'm pleased ‫to be back myself

‫Well, you look like shit

‫Does it not agree with you ‫sleeping in a dead woman's bed?

‫She's not still ‫in it with me, Catherine

‫Well, between ‫the tales of alien abduction

‫and the offer to share ‫a deathbed up at the sheep farm

‫I'd say you're pretty much ‫the pussy magnet around town

‫Don't think I've ever ‫heard you say pussy before

‫If I'm honest ‫it seems a bit weird

‫So now my pussy is weird?

‫- I'm not saying your pussy is... ‫- Stop saying pussy!

‫Please! Either of you ‫saying pussy is weird!

‫Joanne, thought you were inside

‫Nope, I'm right here

‫Haven't missed a word right up ‫until Mom's weird pussy!

‫- I do not have a weird pussy! ‫- Of course you don't

‫You have...

‫- Just a typical pussy ‫- Fuck my life!

‫Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo

‫- I'm back at the surgery now, so... ‫- Okay

‫What's keeping you?

‫- A typical pussy? ‫- I meant to say tropical

‫"Get in the car, Matt"

‫This is my first premiere

‫Cool!

‫I'm going to introduce ‫the first episode

‫Bow my head ‫and go and drink myself into oblivion

‫Got you!

‫Is the show not ‫everything you'd hoped for?

‫The caterers want ‫to take their name off the credits

‫The caterers

‫Could I pivot into real estate?

‫Yeah, the locum asked me ‫to put that up

‫She was a hard lady ‫to say no to

‫We'll leave it up

‫At least it covers that weird stain ‫that looks a bit like Bono

‫Yeah, that was my thinking too

‫Hey, it's good to be back, son

‫The Proctor doctors ‫together again?

‫Yeah, that's not what we are

‫Look, I know ‫life has been unusual lately

‫but the whole thing ‫it's really given me a lot of time to think

‫Which thing? The abduction ‫the suspension, or the separation?

‫I want to take you to my wing ‫like my own dad did with me

‫- I can't just play doctor, Dad ‫- Of course you can

‫Most things these days are sepsis

‫Look, there's no way around it

‫Finish your studies ‫and we'll be flying

‫Doctor and son ‫Proctor and Proctor

‫I'm not going ‫back to medical school

‫Of course you are! People drop out ‫of college and re-enroll all the time

‫I didn't drop out, okay?

‫They kicked me out

‫For cheating on a paper

‫I thought ChatGPT ‫stood for General Practitioner Tips

‫- Did you really think that? ‫- No, Dad

‫I couldn't keep up

‫You got caught cheating?

‫At least I took after one of you

‫Sonny!

‫"The town is buzzing"

‫The committee's acting like ‫we're hosting the feckin' Olympics

‫- How have you been? ‫- Yeah, grand

‫It's been quiet enough without you

‫- How's your dad? ‫- Up and down

‫It's my mom's 10 year anniversary ‫soon and I think he's feeling it

‫Shall he promise me something ‫just in case I don't come back?

‫- Why wouldn't you come back? ‫- Don't rely on people

‫No? Not even my people?

‫I have it, I have it ‫There it is

‫Rely on yourself

‫And even then ‫keep your expectations low

‫"Wendy! I have Shirley ‫from Showbiz Weekly here"

‫Oh God!

‫- Miss Patterson? ‫- That's me

‫- Super cute! ‫- You're going to need supplies

‫In the pantheon of the Tudors ‫Vikings, Game of Thrones

‫another epic show shot in Ireland ‫where does I Am Celt sit?

‫It has really good music

‫Okay

‫And should audiences expect another Irish ‫entrant to the golden age of television?

‫The Bronze Age, maybe

‫I wonder if we should take advantage ‫of the local color we have with us here

‫That is a wonderful idea ‫I'm going to grab some fresh air

‫Have you found that I Am Celt ‫coming to film in your village

‫has led to an easing ‫of the Catholic-Protestant divide?

‫I was brought up Catholic ‫but I seen my mommy...

‫use the holy water ‫to boil an egg once

‫I'm a Protestant, but sure ‫I've half forgotten what I'm protesting about

‫Now, that Science-tology ‫that seems very interesting to me

‫That is super fun, actually

‫Dad!

‫What the fuck are you at?

‫Dad, what were ‫you doing on the roof?

‫I was waiting...

‫For them

‫Were you?

‫I can't believe ‫I'm actually going to say this

‫Dad, were you abducted by aliens?

‫Jesus! Fuck you were and all! ‫Well then why didn't you say anything?

‫- Who'd believe me? ‫- I would

‫I'm your daughter

‫When were you...

‫Taken?

‫It was a few months ‫after your mother passed

‫I just haven't been the same since

‫- I thought you were just grieving ‫- Grieving?

‫What, for ten years?

‫About your mother?

‫Well, go on, then ‫What was it like up there?

‫Come on, tell me, Dad

‫It was absolutely glorious

‫Yeah

‫It's hard being back here after

‫So all this time ‫you've been up in your room

‫trying to figure out how ‫to go back with your alien friends

‫What about me?

‫You can come too, if you like