Partners

Here it goes. Same routine every day.

Yeah, I've been noticing that. Starts with his lucky cup.

But he has to check it for dust.

Now he pours the coffee.

And always over pours.

But then he pours some back.

Now watch. He taps the sugar five times.

Both: One, two, three, four, five.

All right, now watch his face.

This is where he realizes it isn't sweet enough.

So he adds another.

Both: One, two, three, four, five.

And this is the part where he realizes

he works with Jack and Ass.

Marcus, I have glorious news.

At last, the long, arduous wait is over.

They approved fracking on your family property?

Even better.

I have cashew,

I have almond,

and brace yourself, macadamia.

What the hell is that?

These are rare nut butters.

You mean peanut butter?

Oh, how pedestrian.

These are imported from Costa Rica.

They are handpicked by well-trained and endangered

orange-bottom capuchin monkeys at the peak of the season.

That sounds so amazing.

Oh, my God, man!

That's $300 an ounce!

You can only get it once every five years.

I don't want no open jars

of monkey butter in this office.

Fine. Well, like it or not, this is my office, too.

I don't like it.

And from now on, don't bring anything in here

without asking me. You got that?

This just arrived.

- What the hell is that? - It's mine.

Thought I'd class this place up a bit.

Try to make it a little more me.

And by that, I mean a little less you.

No, no, no, no, no, no... oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no. This thing is gonna give me nightmares.

- Don't look at it. - Get it the hell out of here.

Please, you big baby.

You get one when you make partner at my father's law firm.

Does it come with darts?

Who said you could hang that anyway?

I asked this firm's newest partner, and I said yes.

Well, let me check with the senior partner.

I say hell, no.

Hi. I'm looking for Allen Braddock.

Tell him it's Jake Garrett.

Of course.

Allen, there is a man here to see you

who is guilty of extreme attractiveness

and could be charged with smelling like

a freshly-baked airport cinnabon.

Jake Garrett is here?

I used to play poker with him.

Jake could lead us to the kind of lucrative clients we're looking for.

Let him in.

This guy has big money.

I once saw him lose an entire building in one hand.

How do you lose a building playing poker?

Three Martinis and a pair of 10s.

Michael: Allen, Marcus, this is Jake.

- Allen Braddock. nice to see you, Allen. - Jake.

How's the splendor sailing? You got her out of dry dock yet?

Oh, not until I fix that keel rod.

Yachting.

Kills me how it always comes down to that one race...

Caucasian.

I'd like you to meet my partner Marcus Jackson.

So what brings you here, Jake, besides your Bentley?

Well, this is a sensitive matter

and so I wanted to avoid the big firms.

Since you no longer travel in those circles,

you were the first person I thought of.

You hear that? First person.

I trust that you'll be discreet

and not mention to anyone that we're in business together.

That makes two of us.

I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.

- I believe she has cheated on me. - The strumpet!

I'll draw up the papers right away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll.

What makes you think your wife is cheating on you?

Well, my wife recently gave birth to a son.

Congratulations.

Yeah, but he's, um... let's see, how do I put this?

This is my wife Heather.

Gorgeous. Empires have fallen for less.

Exactly.

So doesn't it seem impossible

that two people that look like us could produce this?

Such strong features for a newborn.

Give me that.

Babies are beautiful gifts from God, okay?

Now this baby... oh, damn!

Oh!

It's a newborn and it got teeth.

Oh!

You must be so proud.

The only explanation is that she cheated on me

with something that looks like that.

It offends me personally

that this has happened to you.

I knew you'd understand. What's your retainer?

- We generally... - Don't go under 10,000.

And that's because you're a friend.

Well, the funds will be in your account within the hour.

What the...

- I'll walk you out. - Allow me.

And that is how you get some cash flowing around this place, huh?

$10,000?

That's how I roll.

Disowning a child because it's ugly is just wrong.

Now, where would we be if Mama Lincoln

had abandoned little, ugly Abe, hmm?

I know where I'd be.

I'm not so sure about you.

Look, I understand Jake being attractive

leads to an easier, more successful life.

I'm living proof.

Look, we don't need this case, man.

We're doing just fine.

Would you stop striving for fine?

It's sad.

And it's cancelling out my Xanax.

Hey, Michael, I need to get that file on Jake Garrett.

Allen wants me to go get DNA for a paternity test.

I already pulled it for you.

- Enjoy. - Oh, no.

Oh, this baby's photo is all the birth control

- I will ever need. - That's not a baby.

That's a cross between Steve Buscemi and a hot dog

that's been boiling since 2012.

Allen needs to sign my report card.

My mom's in Saudi Arabia getting her eyebrows threaded.

They're the best.

They've spent centuries taming those things

'cause it's the only thing that shows under a burka.

This baby needs a burka.

Ew! That's a baby?

It needs Botox.

What?

They don't have Botox for babies.

Oh, they totally do.

It's called Bo-tots.

My friend's baby sister had it.

She's, like, eight months old now

and she only looks three months.

- That's terrifying. - No, it's awesome.

When she cries, her face doesn't move.

She's already on her fifth modeling job.

Michael!

Michael!

What is so important? What is it?

This picture, man... it's freaking me out.

Well, um, have you tried

complaining about it for hours?

It's creepy, man.

It's like being stalked by the head of security at Walmart.

Leave it to pompous rich people to spend that much money

on a blowup of a really bad selfie.

He did that to get into my head.

Okay. All right, calm down.

Sit here and listen to me.

You hired me because of my intuition

and common sense, right?

Well, I hired you because your dad asked me to

and I owed him money at the time.

Look, you're the one who needed his money

and sold him half your practice the day after you met him.

I know lesbians who don't get involved that quickly.

And now you have to deal with the consequences.

And that is one of them.

He's not so bad.

Just do what I do... on the outside be really nice,

but on the inside think about

how desperately he needs us

and how his entire family disowned him.

It makes me smile.

Michael, can you put on a pot of coffee?

You got it, boss.

You know, I've been thinking about Jake's sweet, little ugly baby.

- Alleged baby. - No, it's an actual baby.

And I decided I'm willing to take this on.

Good.

The more money we make, the more charity cases you can take.

What do you know about charity?

I will have you know that when I die,

the Art Institute gets that painting.

Why don't you give it to them now?

Jake, are you ready for the results of your paternity test?

Well, I'm ready to confirm what I already know.

I'm afraid I have devastating news.