How I Met Your Mother

You will not believe what happened

at laser tag last night.

People freaked out because

a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?

No.

Well, yeah, pretty much.

Come on!

Ow! My shoulder!

Come on.

Stinson, my office! Now!

Crap.

Disorderly game play,

three counts of shoving,

and now this!

Stinson, you're a liability!

I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken,

but, damn it, I get results!

Look, you're a good laser tag player.

Maybe the best I've ever seen.

But one of these days,you're gonna get someone hurt.

Maybe even yourself.

You just forgot what it's like out there.

You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.

That's it!

You're out of here, Stinson!

Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

With pleasure.

Please don't do this.

This game is all I got.

And I've almost got

enough tickets for the remote control helicopter.

Please.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

But I'm gonna give you one last shot.

But so help me,

if you so much as step one toe out of line,

you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement

so fast it's gonna make your head spin.

Now, get out of here!

You won't regret this.

That's it, Stinson.

You're banned for life!

No...!

I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag.

What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

We're gonna break in after hours

TP? and TP the place.

Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper

just because they won't let you play laser tag.

And for that matter,

too old for laser tag.

Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.

Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.

Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh List

What's the Murtaugh List?

around the time I turned 30.

It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong.

every time we had a party,that beer bong came out.

the next day would go like this.

the next day would go like this.

Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life,

I realized there was only one person in the world

that I could relate to:

Detective Roger Murtaugh,played by Danny Glover

in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon,

known for his often-quoted catchphrase:

I'm too old for this...

Stuff.

He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

That's why I have this list,

so I never make the mistake of thinking

that I can still pull an all-nighter.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

Riggs.

Riggs!

I'm too old for that stuff.

By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?

Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop.

Sound familiar?

Mackleroy and LeFleur.

Don't tell me you guys

have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.

It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie

whose horse was just killed by evil Americans,

while LeFleur, his grouchy,old, African-Canadian partner,

just bought a cozy ice

fishing shack in northern Alberta...

All right, I got to go.

Bye, baby.

Have fun at practice.

Practice?

Is he doing that one-man band thing again?

'Cause that was a bummer.

Actually,

Marshall had just taken over

as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.

He thought it'd be fun,

but Lily saw it as something more--

dad practice.

Hi.

Hey! Oh, my gosh!

Orange slices. That is so sweet.

What are you doing here?

I couldn't resist.

I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, kids,

who wants to knock off early

and have some of these here orange slices?

Yeah? Well, you can't!

Because oranges are for winners,

and you little turds

haven't even made a single shot yet!

You're embarrassing yourselves,

you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all,

you're embarrassing me!

That's it!

Suicides! Baseline! Now!

Run.

Ted, there is not a single thing on here

that you are too old to do.

In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List,

I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

If you did everything on that list, you would die.

That wasn't a challenge.-Challenge accepted.

I'm going to do every single thing on this list.

And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.

And if you can't do it?

I will spend three hours

listening to you talk about architecture.

You have got yourself a deal.

Robin, will you do the honors?

A gentleman's agreement!

Huzzah!

All right, chumps, let's do this.

Barney Stinson!

You really want to make this bet with him?

You know how he is.

Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list.

I mean, do you really think

Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

"Get ear pierced."

Check.

All right, I'm off to go

do laundry at Mom's house.

Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?

We don't have a futon.

Put it over there, boys.

What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh List.

"Crash on a friend's futon

instead of getting a hotel room."

Ooh, I am too old for that stuff.

Dude, what's going on with your ear?

Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

What, this?

Ah, just a little infecsh.

Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list.

Oh, hold on.

Go for Bar...

Keep running!

You know what's funny, is I was

supposed to come here to teach them--

Do not stop running!

This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me.

That's not running! That's falling!

The next morning,

Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

Check.

"Drinking shots with strangers."

Check.

You okay, Barney?

It looks like you hurt your back.

Oh, no.

Just rocking a party hunch.

I like it.

Closer to my booze.

To youth.

Can I get a straw?

I must say, there's something admirable

about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart.

I mean, who wants to get old?

This guy.

Robin, life is a meal

and old age is the dessert.

I spend so much of my time worrying about the future.

You know, where's my career going?

Who am I gonna marry?

But when you're old, you don't worry,

'cause that stuff's already happened.