Central Park

Hi there. Music, am I right?

Violin-terested?

No? Not into it? That's fine.

You're into it, right? Yeah, you are. Come on. Let's take a walk.

Nice place to play under here. Good acoustics.

Not a lot of foot traffic. Mostly urinators.

You can hear when they go because of the good acoustics.

Anyway, I wanna tell you a different story today.

This is what you might call a backstory.

And it doesn't touch Owen and Paige and the kids.

Not directly, but I think it's important.

Also, they're not doing much.

I mean, they're doing good stuff, just not--

I got through the maze.

-Good job. -Thanks.

...that much right now.

Today's story is about something that happened last night,

and also a long time ago.

And it happened here in a place that casts a pretty big shadow over the park.

Yep, the Brandenham is the place

that casts a big shadow that I was talking about.

And you'll notice I keep saying the word "shadow"

because it's also the name of a very mysterious, very notorious,

very sneaky, sneaky criminal mastermind from this city's past: the Shadow.

And that, my friends, is wordplay. Cue special opening.

You're living life on easy street Got all the finer things

Emeralds in your necklaces Got diamonds in your rings

You think nothing can get to you But that's where you went wrong

You thought you were all alone But your shadow

Was there all along

The Shadow's coming The Shadow's coming

The Shadow's coming The Shadow's coming

Your ivory tower stretches high You're living up at the top

So high

Penthouse, doorman, personal chef

-Got vegetables to chop -Chop, chop

And all the shiny things you love Locked up inside the safe

In a safe

But that ain't gonna do nothing When the Shadow

Is on the way

The Shadow's coming The Shadow's coming

The Shadow's coming The Shadow's coming

If you're living Inside a castle for fools

Then there's fingers

Inching toward your family jewels Well, well, well, well

Your titles and your accolades

-The Shadow doesn't care -Sure don't

But if something shiny's locked away

-The Shadow will be there -It's getting took

So if your back is turned And you have martinis to sip

Drink up

By the time you turn back around The Shadow done got your--

Oh, right. Sneaky.

Shadow

Someone stole my necklace.

And my slippers.

Wait, no, they're right here. But my necklace is gone. No!

It's a disaster.

She's gonna squawk about this to every hoity-toity bag of bones

-from here to Saint-Tropez. -Probably.

I can't believe she called the cops.

I know. It was only worth $600,000. What was she thinking?

You complain to the front desk. We buy you breakfast.

You let the insurance people handle the rest, right?

I mean, be cool.

Hank Zevansky, Knickerbocker Underwriters Insurance.

Oh, great. Insurance dork.

Ms. Brandenham, Hank Zevansky.

I'm with Knickerbocker Underwriters Insurance.

-Ma'am. -You don't need to meet her.

-Helen. -I mean, this is Helen.

-Nice to meet you. -How old are you?

The famous Bitsy Brandenham charm.

I'm so old my shingles have shingles.

I bet that joke worked for you once. Maybe in the Middle Ages.

Yep, back when I was middle-aged.

So, you think it's a scam?

Think she faked the theft trying to collect the insurance?

It was my third favorite necklace. Oh, God!

It's always possible.

Look at her. Really going for it, isn't she?

-You think she's putting it on? -I bet she's as dirty as a diaper.

Probably got those rocks shoved up somewhere.

Hello. Hi. So sorry again.

-There you are. What took you so long? -Sorry, Ms. Brandenham.

What? I haven't had breakfast.

Maybe a little sip. I haven't had a Bloody Mary in--

Get your own.

Are you insurance dicks allowed to drink on the job?

I'm about to retire.

When you get to my age, the rules don't always apply.

I'm sure you know how it is.

Don't include me in your super old club.

I better have a look around the room.

Hey, whoa. Look over there.

-What? Who? -Never mind. That's Sal.

Hi, Sal. Don't let this guy rub his disgusting powder all over everything.

Kidding. Just giving you the business, Sal.

Well, it was a pleasure chatting, Ms. Brandenham.

Where'd they dig him up? Wait, my drinks. I'm down a BM.

Damn stupid thief. I'd like to take a whack at his jewels.

If you're done here, can you not stand around?

Also, why do you smell like that? What did you eat?

-Salmon. -Salmon? What are you, a bear?

-I'm on a diet. -So we all have to suffer?

You couldn't splurge for a mint?

Ms. Brandenham.

Good lord. You scared me. What are you doing back there?

I was just poking around.

-How much longer are you going to be here? -I'll try to be quick.

Or as quick as these old bones can move.

Almost up.

Oh, my God. Hurry up.

Mrs. Vanderweef is staying next door while this is resolved.

Why? So she can Vander-whine all night about her stupid necklace?

Listen, call the mayor.

Tell him to assign better-looking

and non-bad-smelling police officers to this, now.

-He can hear you. -What? No.

Nothing can penetrate the cloud of gas that clings to him.

-I can hear you. -Ms. Brandenham, I'm glad you came by.

This theft, I can't help noticing the similarities to the Shadow thefts.

To the Shadow thefts?

Son of a-- Nope. Nuh-uh. Do not say that word to me.

What? Shadow?

Shadow.

-Shadow. -The Shadow never existed.

He was an invention of the press.

Something for New York to gossip about, and horny teens around the campfire.

-What? -Who is the Shadow?

You remember. It was in every damn paper, like, 60 years ago.

-You must've read about it. -No. How old do you think I am?

I honestly don't know. Somewhere between 40 and 90.

It was 56 years ago. Absolutely fascinating.

I was just a kid.

-Mm-hmm. -Had a full head of hair.

I could pull off almost any look back then.

-Uh-huh. -I had long hair before I joined the cops,

but then I had a crew cut and I liked that too.

-Yeah. Got it. -Right.

First the Shadow hit the Brandenham.

Then he hit another luxury hotel. Then another, and another--

Right, he hit luxury hotels.

Robberies in rooms on the highest floors.

In rooms with extra security. In rooms with a Jacuzzi.

No one was ever prosecuted. No one was ever caught.

The first night, all I had to do was guard the door,

keep the reporters and the lookie-loos out.

But it was so exciting to watch the detectives work.

I would've worked a double shift if I coulda.

-Nerd. -Later, I followed the story

in the papers like everyone else.

Things really got interesting when they found the calling card.

-Calling card? -Yeah.

Some thieves leave something behind as kind of a signature.

At first, we didn't know there was a card with the Shadow,

but that's because he carefully hid it in the room.

You had to look hard, had to get lucky.

-So what was it? -A crumpled-up wrapper

from one of those little chocolates that the hotel leaves on your pillow.

I mean, isn't that just trash?

It was in a shape. Kind of like a little sculpture.

-What was the shape? -A penis.

With testicles. It was crude.

-The penis or the testicles? -Both.

But you could make it out all right if you look closely.

Oh, please. This is ridiculous.

You found some crap on the floor, and you saw what you wanted to see.

Some sort of perv-igami.

I actually thought it was funny.

And hiding them like that, taunting the police,

it was kind of clever.

Enough already. Just stop.

What? Don't you want to catch the Shadow after all these years?

This has nothing to do with the Shadow.

The story of the Shadow nearly destroyed this place.

It took 20 years to build back our reputation after that.

We had to host a pet rock convention.

I had to walk around telling people how cute their rocks were.

Dear lord.

You're not a real detective, Mr. Zevansky.

Why don't you go home and watch

Special Insurance Victims Unit or something?

You know, it's a half-a-million-dollar claim.

My employer doesn't like to write checks that large

until I've been down on my hands and knees and crawled all over the place.

-I know the feeling. -All right. So here we go.

Oh, boy. Easy does it.

Just another ten minutes, I'll be down.

Oh, my God. You're not still here.

Please tell me you died and you're just a depressing ghost.

Sorry. I'm just being thorough.

I can't stop thinking about the similarities between this one and the--

-Don't say it. -Okay.

-Where's Salmon Rushdie? -Shift change.

Next one must be on their way.

I would love to sell some rooms on this floor again.

You know, like a hotel does.

Think we might be finally moving into the homestretch

of this very long, very annoying whatever-you're-doing?