Royal Pains

Oh, hi.

I'm Evan R. Lawson,

your Interim Hospital Administrator,

here to let you know about my new weekly video blog,

Administration Corner.

Check it out on the internal employee website,

which if you're watching this you probably already have

'cause it's the only place it's posted.

Anyway, um... I want you to know

that my door is always open.

My mind is always open.

Basically I just want things to be really open around here.

I believe in complete transparency,

and I hope you do too.

So if you see me in the halls,

don't be afraid to come up to me,

look me right in the eye, and engage with me.

Just to sum up:

Evan R. Lawson. Complete. Transparency.

Thanks a lot for watching. I'll see you next week.

Do I seem accessible?

- Very. - Great.

I just want everyone to know that while

I'm only here temporarily, I'm fully committed.

Nailed it.

And I think it'll help if the hospital staff

knows they can talk to me about anything.

So that's why I'm going for...

- Complete transparency. - Yeah.

Yes, that is completely transparent.

Great.

Post it.

Yeah, posting it.

Oh, wait.

It's my lab results.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, it confirms everything

the endocrinologist expected.

My, uh, motility and sperm count are low.

Honey, remember, low isn't no.

That's true.

Now I just have to motivate them, right?

On the bright side,

these loose-fitting pants they suggested

are insanely comfortable.

They're like dressy pajama jeans.

And there's our favorite doctor's order.

- Mm. - Mm-mm.

Complete transparency isn't always good.

You're right.

Wow.

Uh-uh.

Why not?

Because I can hear people outside.

And I'm gonna be nervous about somebody knocking.

Call me "50 Shades of Normal,"

but I prefer it at home.

That could take a while.

Maybe not.

I'm getting an estimate this morning.

You're meeting another contractor?

Yeah, and hopefully this one doesn't suggest

rebuilding the entire house.

Hey.

Find a time to come by the guest house for lunch.

It's homey enough.

And now they think they have a claim

that I'm an unfit mother.

Well, that's absurd.

Oh, I know.

And the thing is Rafa knows it too.

He knows me.

We used to be in love.

Why would he do this?

I just don't understand.

Well, call Rafa and find out.

Well, that's the problem. I can't.

My lawyer absolutely insists that I stay out of it.

So people who don't know me or Rafa

are doing all of the talking,

and I can do nothing.

I'm powerless, and I hate it.

That sounds so frustrating.

It is.

I just... I can't stand being silenced.

Hey, is there anything I can do?

No.

No, thank you.

Just be prepared.

I might be a bit bossy today with my patients.

Well, that wouldn't be...

Fine. A bit bossier than usual.

This should be a fun day.

Saw your blog this morning, Mr. Lawson.

- Oh. - Very interesting.

Thanks, Dr. Hauptschein.

Yeah, that... that's my goal actually,

to post a lot of interesting things

and be transparent.

That'll keep 'em coming back.

Hey, get out of here! Now!

No, I need a doctor! Help!

Security, get him out of here.

My, uh... my appendix, it burst!

Your appendix is fine.

If I see you again, I'll burst it for you.

Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

Margaret, the doors of Hamptons Heritage

are open to everyone.

Not perfectly healthy paparazzi.

Tim here was trying to fake his way into the ER

to get pictures of a celebrity patient.

Is that true?

Well...

- Get him out of here. - Let's go.

- Let me just... - Don't come back, okay?

Guys like Tim disgust me.

That's 'cause they're disgusting.

Everyone's entitled to privacy,

especially in a hospital.

Well, you got that right.

Now where's this celebrity at?

Hello.

Who is that?

Are you the only person on the planet

who has not seen Michelangelo?

Of course I've seen Michelangelo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's Cole Chapman-Smith?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

Oh, my God! I didn't even recognize him.

He is a chameleon.

Mr. Chapman-Smith, it is... it is such an honor

to have you in my ER.

I just... Sorry, I'm Evan R. Lawson,

I'm the Hospital Administrator.

I just wanted to say welcome.

Well, hey, man. Hey, Evan. What's up?

Oh, not much. I just...

Are you okay? In any pain or anything?

I'm good man, yeah. I'm totally numb.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

Sorry. You're just right there.

My wife and I loved you as Michelangelo.

Is it true that after you got the part

you built a church in your backyard

and then spent the next six months painting the ceiling,

like on your back?

That would be totally crazy.

Oh, oh...

No, I painted exactly as Michelangelo did,

upright on a scaffold

from the 16th century.

That's awesome.

Well, you were... You were great.

I mean, deserving of every award that followed, too.

- Thank you. - Hey, excuse me.

You've got some deep lacerations here.

I didn't see any trauma to the bone.

I'll need, like, 20 stitches.

Exactly 20.

As soon as I saw that visible dark red muscle,

I knew Tim's camera had done some damage.

Wait, Tim hit you with his camera?

Why would he do that?

He's a local nuisance, Evan.

He's been stalking me for days.

This morning, I catch him hiding in my bushes,

trying to take a photo of me in my costume fitting.

So I try and grab his camera.

He starts swinging it around.

Next thing I know, I'm bleeding all over my driveway,

and my shoulder's sliced open.

Oh, and the wanker just Tweeted my location.

Cool. I'm out.

You most certainly are not out.

You risk infection, scarring, no.

Yeah, I appreciate the concern, darling,

but this costume's kinda top secret.

I like to be in control of when things leak.

Fine.

Put this on.

Yeah, they're not taking my picture in this either.

Well, you absolutely cannot leave.

I absolutely will not stay.

And I absolutely have the solution.

So was this clinda in this?

It... it is, yeah.

Could you just try to keep still.

I'm trying to sew your arm.

Yeah, of course, of course.

And before that you used lidocaine.

I did, I did. Arm needs to really stay still.

- Stay still, yeah, yeah. - Okay.

If you didn't have any lidocaine,

what would you use?

Uh, I could use liquid Benadryl.