The Critic

Hello?

Jay, this is your pharmacist. Instead of hair restorer,

we accidentally sent you preparation "h".

It stinks.

Hello, I'm Jay sherman,

and this is coming attractions.

Tonight, we'll be reviewing a few more good men,

starring Jack Nicholson

with co-stars Christian slater and William devane.

I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth.

I can handle the truth.

The truth is you talk like me, you act like me,

you don't have an original bone in your body.

That's a freakin' lie.

Could the stenographer read that last part back?

What am I, a freakin' myna bird?

Feh.

We'll also be looking at Tim Burton's latest film,

the nightmare before hanukkah.

Excuse me. Is this hanukkah town?

No, it's the Vatican and I'm pope shlomo. Oy.

And...Cut.

Doris, I hate to ask, but did the ratings come in?

Yeah. You're getting your butt kicked

by the benedictine monk variety hour.

we've got a great show tonight

with our special guest star, the pope.

J.P.! J.P.!

Oh, I can't compete with that.

The boss is gonna yell at me.

Yeah, he yells at everybody.

You should worry if he starts being nice to you.

That's when you're about to get fired.

Hello, handsome.

How's my special little guy?

That's it. I'm doomed.

Look, son, I like you,

but I'm afraid I've started interviewing replacements.

These guys are killing you.

Uh, John Paul ii,

general hospital and Dan quayle.

Name a pope, a soap and a dope.

You've taken a vow of comedy.

Doris, I can't lose this job. It's all I know how to do.

Oh, come on. Everyone has hidden talents.

Like me. I'm a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.

Doris, tick-tock.

That was supposed to be a bunny.

And now back to the very best of Howard stern.

Now, Robin, here's something else I do on the toilet.

Toilet.

If that's what passes for intelligent public discourse,

no wonder I'm getting fired.

Have you ever felt like you're completely alone?

Oh, forget it.

Oh.

I'm so tired, mama. Pick me up.

Hey, I'm walkin', here.

Oh, that poor woman.

Mama, a stranger's comin'.

Don't worry, I've got my pepper spray.

Hmm, jalapeno.

Look, I just wanted to offer to share my cab.

Sorry. I hate not being friendly,

but this is New York.

You know, you look familiar.

I'm Jay sherman, the famous film critic.

I used to have a big show on a. B.C...

For about a week.

I'm Alice tompkins and this is my daughter, penny.

You didn't like the lion king.

You're mean.

Penny!

It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Rex did that, too.

Sorry again about the pepper spray.

Would you like to come in?

Well, let me check my schedule.

I think I can wedge it in.

Oh, my lord, I look like pat Riley.

Oh, Jay, be careful of the...

Plant.

Funny man.

Now, Jay, your clothes were soaked,

so I had to put you in one of my old maternity dresses.

On a lesser man, this would look undignified.

Are you gonna have puppies?

Shouldn't you be watching some cartoon

filled with pointless violence?

Ow.

Funny man.

Is that penny's dad?

Yeah, that's Cyrus.

I was waiting tables in Knoxville

while Cyrus tried to make it as a country singer.

But then I began to suspect he was cheatin' on me.

How? It was in his songs.

My lyin' heart, daddy's steppin' out.

And then his album:

I'm bein' unfaithful to my wife, Alice tompkins.

You heard me. Alice tompkins.

Well, I, too, know the pain

of a faithless spouse.

Ardeth, this court awards you the house, the car,

and that lamp in the bedroom I really like.

Thanks, lover.

Here's to finding people who deserve us more.

Mmm-mmm. Good cocoa.

Now it's time to flash her that Jay sherman smile.

So, why'd you come to New York, anyway?

I wanted to show penny

that a woman could make it without a man.

I'm smart, I 'm good with numbers,

I'm handy with a paintbrush.

Wow. I don't know how I missed that before.

So I come up here to New York,

hopin' somehow, when I least expected it,

opportunity would come a-knockin'.

Ms. Alice tompkins? Yes?

I've got some news for you.

It's your ticket out of this run-down flophouse.

Oh, that's wonderful!

You're evicted!

I'm sorry.

If there's anything I could do to cheer you up...

Very good. Now I must be going.

Jay, did that hurt?

No, but this will.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Our last film tonight stars tom Hanks in

Forrest Gump 2: Gump harder.

Mr. president, I'm Forrest Gump,

owner of bubba gump shrimp.

Shrimp? I love shrimp.

Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi,

shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab,

peanut butter and shrimp sandwiches,

shrimp milkshakes, shrimp wine,

count shrimpula cereal,

and blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream,

a little brown sugar and some shrimp.

You sure like shrimp, Mr. president.

Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp.

Shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi,

shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab...

I enjoyed this film. Especially the buckets

of fried shrimp they gave out at the premiere.

Oh, I just remembered. I'm allergic to shrimp!

Makeup!

Doris, I need your advice on a personal matter.

For the last time, forget the pec implants

and go right for the tummy tuck.

Tummy tuck! I don't like the sound of that.

Hush, you.

Look, I just met this woman.

She's about to be evicted. She has no money.

I know I've got to help her,

but how do you give money to someone you hardly know?

At this point in your career, little squirrel,

I'd be hoarding my nuts. Winter's coming.

Duke, don't you have anything better to do?

Well, it is time for my 15-second workout.

Now, about that lady friend of yours.

I say slip her the money without her knowin'.

The best charity is always anonymous.

What about that?

All hail Duke. Duke is life.

All hail Duke. Duke is life.

All...

Pigeons seem to like the sound of my...

Hmm, the perfect crime.

What's the perfect crime, Jay?

Ah! If you live there, then who...