Never Have I Ever

What? Mom, I'm fast asleep!

You don't look like you're asleep.

Paxton?

What are you doing here?

I'm doing exactly what I said I'd do.

I'm here to have sex with you.

Whoa.

Wow.

Your body looks so good in that over-sized t-shirt.

And is that...

...dandruff shampoo.

Wait. This is a dream, isn't it?

Look, if anyone here is dreaming, it's me.

I mean, look at you. You have the beauty of Priyanka Chopra,

with the incisive intellect of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yeah, of course it was a dream, people.

You didn't think it'd be that easy for her, did you?

And the whole time, Paxton kept complimenting me

and telling me how much he respected me and stuff.

What do you think that means?

Devi, the reason I was enlisted by your doctors and your mother

is to delve into some of the major events

that have happened in your life over this last year.

Now, we've been seeing each other for months,

and you still don't want to talk about your father.

What's there to talk about?

He's dead. It made me sad.

Now I want to talk about a major event that could happen this week!

Popping my cherry, Doc.

Oh, lord.

The statistical odds that I would lose my virginity

to somebody that hot are incredibly low.

I ran the numbers with Fabiola.

I have a better chance of being hit by a meteor.

I know. I got your Excel spreadsheet.

We could talk about my dead dad any time.

I'm in a very specific window right now.

I'm ready to bone.

If you were ready to bone,

you wouldn't use the phrase "ready to bone."

And what's so special about this boy, anyway?

Uh...

This.

-You can scroll. -I'm not gonna scroll.

Trust me. Scroll.

I'm not-- Damn!

Is this kid on HGH?

I know, right?

Point made.

But he is still a person with feelings and problems.

Hot people don't have problems.

I mean, I've seen the people in your waiting room.

No offense, but they're mostly uggos.

Uh, I do take offense to that.

Look, forget about Paxton.

In your current mental state,

losing your virginity to someone you barely know

and who probably doesn't care about you--

Is a great idea that you fully support?

You know that's not where I was going with that.

Nice try.

Devi, I know you're upset.

And I wronged you, and I'm sorry, and I don't expect you to just forgive me,

so I stayed up all night, and I made a photo montage

of our entire friendship set to John Legend's "All of Me."

It's all good. I forgive you.

Okay, well, with your permission, I'd still like to play it.

-It took a long time, and-- -We're good.

I'm happy for you and Oliver.

Oh, great.

El and I agreed, we won't keep any more secrets from you,

even if the harsh truth puts you in a wheelchair once again.

Well, that's not gonna happen, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Hey, Fab.

I like your denim overalls.

Fab, what was that? That was so sexy.

Did you ask out Alex Gomez?

I followed through on your boyfriends plans,

so, yes, Alex and I are going to Wetzel's Pretzels this weekend.

What about you and Jonah? Did you ask him out yet?

I heard he works at Sephora and loves giving makeovers.

Actually, I've been talking to someone else.

Paxton Hall-Yoshida. Ever heard of him?

Devi told her friends about her interaction with Paxton,

but let's just say she wouldn't get points for accuracy.

- Yeah, it was so weird. -

I was just minding my own business,

and then Paxton literally pulls me aside, and is like...

"Hey, you're Devi, right?

I think you're super cool and whip-smart.

And if you're down with it,

I want to get to know you better."

And I was like... Yeah. I mean, sure.

I guess that could be cool.

Yes!

He said "whip-smart"?

- He absolutely did not. -Yeah, he did.

So if things go well, I might start dating Paxton or something.

I guess we'll have to see.

Fab, are you paying attention?

Yep. Someone's dating Paxton.

Me. Fab, pay attention.

Anyways, I'm gonna go contour my nose before he sees me in class.

Later.

Devi strode off,

confident her friends had believed this bullshit story.

Fabiola and Eleanor were confident

their friend had become completely unhinged.

- Nalini Maami? -

No need to find me a sari to wear.

I've selected a killer outfit for my video call with Prashant's family.

Okay. What is it?

I'm in it.

That? That jeans and blazer?

Are you crazy?

A fashion segment on The Today Show

said it was a fun way to mix professional and casual.

Yes, you look like a careerist western woman,

which you obviously are,

but they don't need to know that... yet.

Kamala, his family wants to see

that you can cook, clean, and cater to their son's needs.

They basically want him to marry his own mother.

That sounds sexually confusing.

It is, but this is just the wedding dance.

After you get married, you move to the United States,

you can do whatever you want.

-Are you okay? -Okay, okay, okay, yeah.

I don't even know why we have this stupid bike. It was Mohan's.

I always hated it.

So, what do you think of my new hog?

What is wrong with you?

I gave you strict instructions to buy a moderately-priced sedan.

You did, but I received other instructions...

from California.

-What? -Come on, my love.

We already have your car,

and this will be our fun ride...

for date nights.

For date night?

Who am I, Kate Hudson?

Yes, and I am your Matthew McConnicky!

You could sell it,

and maybe we could put the money toward turning the AC on every once in a while.

Turn on the AC?

There are people in Siberia who'd kill to be this hot.

But yes, perhaps I should sell this bike.

At lunch, Devi beelined it to where she knew Paxton would be,

the most intimidating place at school...

the Hot Pocket.

It was where all the best-looking guys in school ate lunch.

We're talking Marcus Jones. We're talking Eddie Tan.

Hell, we're talking Trent Harrison.

But Devi was determined.

So she swallowed her nerves and walked right in...

Ow. Goddamn it!

...where she instantly got hit in the face with a lanyard.

-Did I just hit you? -It's cool.

Hey, Paxton, can I talk to you?

Okay.

So I thought I would follow up on our conversation from the other day

and ask if you wanted to hang out later?

Oh, oh, you mean, uh, like, have sex?

Uh--

Sure, uh, maybe... after school today at my place?

- Today? -Yeah.

That's super soon, which is great.

Soon is great. It's just...

I have orchestra after school today, so I can't.

But maybe later this week?

I don't know. Maybe.

Okay, great.

We'll compare calendars tomorrow or something.

We'll figure it out. Later, skater.

What?

Greetings, musicians.

I hope your summer didn't go by too allegro.

Forget it.

I'd like to welcome back Devi V, our star harpist.

As you all know, Devi had a really bad year.

We all did, considering what we had to witness at the spring concert.

You remember what it was. No need to...

spell it out.

When Devi's dad... died.

Anyway, welcome back, Devi! Let's jam.

Mr. Chan, it smells like shit over here.

What? No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does.

It smells like there is actual shit in this room.

There's not. The room was cleaned over the summer.

Okay. Well, what about those vents?

Did they clean those vents over the summer?

There could be shit up there. You don't know.

Eric, enough. We're playing.

Strings, lead us in.

Mr. Chan, I can't play like this!

You come over here and sniff, and tell me there's not shit nearby.

-Goddamn it, Eric! - What?

I'm gonna barf in my tuba.

Paxton!