Gospel of Deceit

I've spent my life in the

pursuit of carnal knowledge.

I've been with more women than I can remember.

I've acted on every impulse of lust I've ever known.

I lie, I cheat, I steal.

I imagine killing people I hate.

There's no hope for me.

I can't be forgiven, so I continue.

I'm here today to tell you that all of this is sin,

all of this is human, and all of this is forgivable.

For God so loved the world that he gave

his only begotten son, that whoever believes

in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

This isn't some, you know, table trick.

This isn't some method to get you to buy books,

or tapes, or to get you to life a single penny

from your pocket, this is God's gift to you.

And you can take it, you can leave it,

you can pretend he never said it,

but you can't change it.

You can't change it.

And that's the beauty of it.

- You've been listening to Sermon by the Springs,

with Reverend Theodore Wendell, of the community church...

Good?

Leward, Pennsylvania.

Oh Ted, I'm so proud of you.

It was wonderful.

- Thank you, you know how much your approval means to me.

Lovely, thank you, lets get this served.

Alright, hello, hello.

I come to feed the multitudes.

Oh, sweetie, that's chicken.

Not fish.

Yes, Emily, my rock, without whom

I'd be forced to survive on a steady diet of my foot.

Alright, thank you for laughing, it's very nice.

Could you raise your glasses for a toast?

To my beautiful wife, 20 years, happy anniversary.

Thank you.

20 years!

Thank you all for coming, very sweet.

And the food's coming right up.

We promise.

Excuse me.

Listen, Ted, I spoke to the powers that be

at the radio station...

Right.

And, you're close.

How close?

Well the television affiliate wants

to send someone out to the church to,

you know, see how you come across to the public.

Good, how about tomorrow?

I thought you'd say that.

Hey come on you kids, lets eat!

How are you?

- Good, thanks. - Good.

Hi, how are you? - Hey, good.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hey listen, Emily.

Yeah?

They wanna send somebody out from the

network to watch me preach tomorrow.

Oh honey, that is so wonderful.

- Yeah, I don't think we should say anything,

in case they don't show up.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

What have you got here?

I'm such a pig.

Thank you.

- Do you see that guy watching us over there?

He's been there for quite awhile.

Do you recognize him?

- No, I'll go introduce myself, how's that?

Hello, good picnic.

Heavenly, Ted.

Yeah, good.

You're sure I'm not imposing?

- You're not imposing at all, don't worry about it.

Thanks.

Honey, look what I found.

Hi.

Luck McElroy, lost sheep.

Oh hi, I'm Emily, Ted's wife.

Luke's new to town, looks like he

could use a meal, so.

- Oh, well great, we've got plenty of food.

- You see, it's really starting to come down,

it's a good thing I put up the tent.

Hey, why don't we go for a burger?

Sure.

Sure, I'll get you one.

- Lets get in out of the rain, come on.

April showers bring May flowers.

Come on guys, the rain stopped.

Lets play ball!

So this guy, and this girl, they drive

up to lover's lane, and the guy makes

his move, and the girl says, "Hey listen,

"I gotta be honest with you, I'm a hooker."

And the guy says, "Okay."

And they agree to $25.

25, must be an old joke.

So they go in the back, and they engage

in a little carnal activity, a little hoop de doo,

and they finish up, as it were,

and the guy says, "Hey listen, I gotta

"be honest with you too, I'm a cab driver,

"it's gonna cost you 25 bucks to get back into the city."

That's a good joke.

That's completely appropriate.

Hey Ted!

Yes?

Oh no, I'm called to the manly field of honor.

Alright, you boys go out and play,

while we women do all the work.

Reverend, when can we expect our

men to put away childish things, like softball?

When they become men.

Oh Luke, think fast.

Look at that, come on, lets go, join me.

Sure.

Hey, you wanna join us for dinner?

- I'm putting the rest of the cake in here.

Thanks so much.

Honey, set a place for three tonight,

I've invited Luke to dinner, okay?

Okay guys, two out, top of the ninth,

no pressure on the batter.

No pressure.

How do you spell choke?

I got it!

Cheers, Luke!

I got it.

Oh yeah!

Oh,sweet!

Did you see that catch?

It was great.

Switch it up.

How'd you get that?

I'm on it.

- Lucky jump. - Nice pitching, Ted.

You did a lucky jump, we're down a run,

you're up, lets go.

Did you see that?

Good job, that was great.

Lets go Lukey-Lukey.

Lets see some of that south Georgia magic, baby.

Put it in there.

Go, go!

I'm going for it!

Hands to God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Safe.

Hold on.

Hold up.

Nice hit, buddy.

Bring me home, Ted, bring me home.

I'll get you home, baby.

- Come on Ted! - Lets go Ted!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Ted, watch it, Ted.

Okay, come on.

Come on baby.

- Nice job! - Yeah!

I've never had this before,

what was it called again?

Paella.

Paella.

Paella.

- Well I'll say Emily, you're quite the cook.

Thank you.

Listen, I was thinking, maybe we should

hold off on the fundraising for tomorrow's service.

You know, do it next week, 'cause

we don't want the network to get

the wrong idea about your message.

Sure, sure.

Oh, we're just talking shop.

No worries.

- So, how about coffee, and leftover anniversary cake?

- Terrific. - Yeah, I'll have some.

- One of the ladies said that you made the cake yourself.

Yes, I did.

It was delicious.

Thank you.

You ever been married, Luke?

No.

- Let me tell you, it's the best, it's terrific.

It's better to be married than to burn with passion.

Maybe.

But I like passion, Ted.

Where are you from?

No place special.

Sounds like West Virginia, or Georgia...

- It sounds like he doesn't wanna talk about it, sweetie.

It's nothing to talk about, really.

Thank you.

Didn't have anything to keep me where