Archer

Mawp. Mawp.

Mawp!

Was that a flashbang?

- Sterling? - Mawp?

Ow!

Do something.

What? I brought roses.

- Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the... - About that!

Oh. Duh.

Archer!

Lana!

"Lana!" Ugh.

Not her birthday.

Ah!

No, move!

Get away from us!

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Who?

The storm-ninjas!

What?

That's not a thing, idiot!

Oh. I stand corrected.

Son of a...!

Bitches, I am pregnant!

Yes!

Who could forget?

With the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Okay, first of all... Cover your eyes and ears!

You're not the boss of me!

Meep? Meep?

What's that, Beaker?

Oh, my God, is Beaker not the best?

Meep, meep, meep!

And wait, what's his, uh... the name of... Brett!

No, no, no, leave me alone!

Shut up.

Who's Beaker's boss?

What?

Beaker's boss.

- Goddamn it, I can't hear... - Brett?

Well, he died doing what he loved.

Getting shot.

Meep. Meep.

Archer! Who the hell...

Shut up, it's on the tip of my tongue!

- What is?! - Beaker's boss!

What?

She meant who the hell are these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!

Said the guy in a wheelchair!

What the...?

I just frickin' got here, Ray!

How the hell should I... No...

- No, no, no, no, no, no... - What, what're you...? Oh.

Oh, boy.

FBI!

Nobody move! FBI!

- Second worst birthday ever. - What?

How is this better than your second fake 50th?

Oh, come on, guys, we talked about this!

You're supposed to yell "FBI" at the beginning.

After the flashbangs, but before Other Fat Mike gets shot.

Ow.

And what happened with getting "FBI"

on the fronts of the uniforms, huh?

- Ow! - Huh?

Uh, what happened with since when the hell

- does the frickin' FBI get off... - Sterling Archer?

Yes! What?!

I'm Special Agent in Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest.

For what?

Uh, in addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?

Yes.

Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges,

but mostly treason.

Treason?

What? Archer, what'd you do?

No, no, not just him.

You, too, Miss Kane.

What?!

Yeah. Everybody.

Especially you, Ms. Archer.

Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?

- Lana! - No, but let's put a pin in that.

This is about conducting espionage operations, for years, with no authority or

permission whatsoever, from the United States government.

Wait, what?

Mother!

Like, 50 times I asked you about that!

And like 50 times I lied.

Sue me.

I want my phone call.

Uh, sir?

It's like you said, he's dug in there like a tick, and...

Never!

You'll never take me alive!

- Okay, breach it. - Roger that.

On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive.

Just let me clear the ol'

browser history and... No, no, no, no, no... oof!

Oh, come on!

Ooh, G-man-san.

I'm serious, you are not putting those on me.

Mr. Archer, please turn around and place your hands behind your back.

Or what?

What are you gonna do, taser...

Do me! Do me!

Do me, do me, do me!

- I'm not tasering you, so just... - Do me!

Thank you.

Ugh.

Our tax dollars hard at work.

Well, not mine,

obviously, but...

What's that?

Damn it.

Whatever, Cyril.

I don't care who you are, when you get zapped with 50,000

- volts, it's like, like... - Sploosh.

And then it's like wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and...

Will you shut up?

You shut up. Let her talk.

- You shut up! - Make me!

Ow! Ow!

- Jesus! - All of you.

Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully.

- Why, so you can tell us more lies? - Yeah.

So I can save you from life in prison!

Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big sexy briar patch, but...

- You know... - Zip it!

That goes for all of you!

And when we get in there, you keep it zipped.

Because there's a chance I can make this all go away,

but only if you people don't try to save your own necks

by ratting out everyone else!

Damn it, trust me!

And say nothing!

You heard me, J. Edna.

Not one word.

Well, except for those three.

- And then those five. And... - Archer!

Then that one.

I really shouldn't say anything.

- I mean, unless you can guarantee me... - Total immunity.

And I mean from everything.

Including anything you find on my computer.

Or in my crawlspace.

Oh, and throw a bone into me.

Excuse me?

I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of

the KGB for, like, 30 years.

Yeah, until he got blown up.

Which was actually my fault.

Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg, who then

became the new head of the KGB.

Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts.

And a corpse.

There was no shortage of dead bodies around ISIS.

One of which belonged to the prime minister of goddamn Italy.

- Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the... - Giant pot farm

in West Virginia.

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Irish Mob.

- Piracy. - White slavery.

No, actual piracy.

With, like, boats.

I want to say... Burt Reynolds?

- Poaching alligators... - Smuggling Mexicans...

- Defiling a corpse... - Defiling a different corpse...

Kidnapping the Pope...

Faking my own kidnapping!

Arson.

Bumfights!

- You know, like when you pay bums to... - Destroy an oil pipeline in...

I want to say Burt Reynolds.

...Turkmenistan?

Odessa. You know, the ratlines?

Where you make it look like a murder-suicide, but...

Is it murder if they were my own clones?

I'm seriously asking.

Oh, because, speaking of sexual assault...

Which time?

'Cause for one of 'em I got a pretty good excuse.

Can I stop you?

Please?

That's what he said.

Inappropriate.

Geez, when you just list everything ISIS has done,

it sounds kind of bad.

- And so if I were you... - You'd get laid a lot more?

I'd start talking.

Everybody else is!

They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS.

- Ha! - Exactly, I... Hey, screw you!

Screw you!

Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch And I'm Too Stupid To Realize

My Life's A Pathetic Joke!

Oh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Hello My Kid's From A Sperm

Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man Because In Addition To My Jillion Neuroses

I Have A Weird-looking Vagina!

Okay, knock it off.