Archer

Malory archer.

You get more beautiful every

Time I see you.

Oh, gussy. You minx.

You'll be the death of me yet.

But if I die, let it be with the

Name of this dusky jewel upon my lips.

Lord feltchley, may I

Present miss lana kane?

Yes, you bloody well may.

Uh, it's so nice to,

Uh -- wow, okay.

That's, uh, kidskin you're

Slobbering on, so -- okay.

Wouldn't want to offend that

Boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?

Oh, offense taken, your lordship.

Glad to hear it, whoever you are.

Cyril figgis, isis comptroller.

And also my -- boyfriend.

Person I'm dating. We date.

No, you don't. No, no, no.

Your man's a rakish chap.

Air of mystery, chiseled good looks.

Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex.

Archer.

Archer! Exactly just!

Uh, that's -- and if memory serves, not

Only handsome but also --

A secret agent!

That's what I am.

And I shouldn't even be saying

That, but you have a certain

Thickness about you that I find

Very appealing.

Well, I find your drunkenness

Very unappealing.

I am drunk or I

Wouldn't be talking to you.

So if you'll please excuse me -- hey, come on.

Don't be like that.

Sterling, look out!

Feltchley!

You dirty sassenach!

We irishmen will never bow down

Before the english crown!

Ooh. Sterling archer.

That was totally ninja!

Il est incroyable, non?

Yeah, if you're, uh, into that.

Lana... Hmm?

Hello! Hey!

What's up, buddy? Uh, nothing.

Oh, dear.

Good show, archer!

You really saved my bacon.

Hey, come on.

You know I'd never let anything

Happen to your bacon.

I love you, santa claus!

What?

I do.

Cyril, we've got big problems.

Well, it may seem daunting now.

But in the long run, the hsa

Makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.

Malory: I don't mean the health plan...unless it covers

Wandering-eye syndrome.

Cyril: well, that depends on

If that's a real thing.

Malory: oh, it's very real,

And lana has it. Cyril: wait. What?

Malory: cyril, I know you saw

How she looked at sterling last night.

Cyril: well, I think she was just shaken up.

Malory: stirred up, cyril, in the loins.

You -- you think her loins were stirring.

If not frothing.

Frothing? Oh, great. What should I do?

We should make you

Into someone for whom lana's

Loins get equally frothy.

And how exactly would we do that?

Well, she's obviously

Attracted to men of danger.

Like archer. Exactly.

The perfect field agent.

So who better to train you to become one?

Archer train me to be a field agent?

He's already been briefed, but only on the "What,"

Mind you, not the "Why."

No sense in telling him it's about lana.

Lana -- boy, wait till i tell her about this. No!

Cyril, under no circumstance is

Lana to know about our little...plan. Right.

I think -- oh, but about plans. Health plan switchover --

I'll take care of whatever that is.

You just concentrate on your training.

And archer's really okay with us?

Oh,ot at all, which is just gravy.

No, I just let mother

Think that because I know what

She's up to, vis-Ã -vis cyril and

Lana and me, and it's not

Broadening cyril's horizons. Trust me.

Mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights

Walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons.

I so enjoy our talks. You got them?

Then they're loaded and ready to go?

Seriously, krieger, you are my oprah.

So obviously, I'm not happy

About this whole arrangement --

But your mother is --

But I wonder what lana thinks about --

Oh, naot "Need to know" On this.

Wow, "Open purse, remove balls," Huh?

Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a

Secret from lana.

Uh, hello! Herpes?!

You ve la herp?!

Cyrhello, cheryl. It's carol.

What? Since when? Since I h it

Legally changed because you

Always call me carol.

Wow, that's -- excuse us.

What is this herpes business?

Sorry, bad joke... And a false alarm.

Lesson one, get used to that.

Should I be writing this down?

No! Never leave a paper trail.

That's lesson one. So ditch this.

Hey, that's --

...my dead mom's pen. Jesus!

Cyril did that!

Here, this is what a real field agent uses.

Huh, point's a lot finer than I prefer.

That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the

Cartridge is full of a deadly

Super-toxin called poizocaine.

Here. Keep it in here, but be careful.

The cap slips off for, like, no reason.

Oh, you're giving me the

Chuck noise, karen carpenter's stunt double?

I'm sorry. I thought you were walking backwards.

It's all the hsa switchover crap.

I'm so over that lame flex account.

When does the hsa start?

When cyril e-files these dd-14s.

Oh, miss archer's taking care of those.

What?! Cyril's off somewhere with mr. Archer.

Cyril's off what? With whom?!

I think "Somewhere" was the "What" There and

"Mr. Archer" Was the "Whom." worlds collide, huh?

Kind of inevitable,

Really, for a serial workplace dater.

Oh, yeah!

Call the kettle black!

Did she just race-card me, or -- are you

Totally just gay for her?

I'm the human resources

Director, little miss hostile work environment!

She is riddled with herpes. Hey!

Inappropriate workplace topic...

And also a deal breaker.

Lesson one -- human intel -- shoot!

I forgot about the dd-14s.

Screw 'em! That's mother's headache.

You tell me -- does it look like I'm allergic?

Jesus jones. Y.

So, when I asked for

Cucumber slices, which one of

You idiots sent up zucchini?!

Uh, well, that, uh -- well, that --

That would be jane who did that.

Scatterbrain jane?

I know. She's just a mess.

Because this is obviously zucchini.

Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that

Wasn't wrapped in a monte cristo sandwich!

What's that supposed to mean?

That is pam,

Isn't it?

Okay, so, human intelligence entails --

Well, there's false flags, dead drops, dropouts,

Cutouts, active doubles, passive

Doubles, dangledoles, the

Often underappreciated honeypot.

Wow, that sounds like a lot to cover.

Yeah, so we may have

To gloss over almost all of it.

Weapon!

Hey, hon. Hey, back.

What, uh -- what's this?

Well, uh, see, uh, here's the thing.

Under no circumstance is lana to know

About our little...plan.

Here's what thing?

Archer's dd-14... Yeah.

...that we're on our way down to clear up with jane.

Really? Well, you know,