Teenage Bounty Hunters

Hey!

Um...

Okay, so I know not showing up last night was wrong.

Very, super wrong.

And bad.

And I feel bad for the bad

- and the wrong. - Uh-huh.

I had no idea how complicated planning a scavenger hunt could be.

And then April wanted the clues to rhyme

and the playlist for the lock-in was truly a struggle.

I mean, I know that "Don't Stop Believin'" is a classic,

but it's about a girl taking a train at midnight going anywhere.

Is that the kind of behavior we want to promote?

I mean, there is such a thing...

Hey!

You never came.

You knew I had a date with Miles.

Shoot. Did you miss your date?

We're broken up, Sterling.

I ran back and forth like a duck in a shooting game.

And guess what? I got shot.

Head clean off.

Oh, Blair...

And as if the night wasn't enough of a living nightmare,

I come home and I see this.

What the...

You told me to slap you if you kept going on about Mom,

but I'm not prepared to get physical

- because I'm feeling wrong and bad. - Sterling... she is lying.

This is symbolic.

Ow!

I'm following orders, okay? Your orders.

And I don't want to,

but I will soap-opera slap you if I need to.

Your obsessed! It's unhealthy!

I'll show you unhealthy!

Get off my hair!

Ouch! Sterling, get off of me! You never win these fights.

You know how this ends!

- Blair! - Give me your arm!

- Blair, I'm kicking your butt! - Give me your arm!

- There it is! - Give me your other arm!

Look at this!

- No! - This is Mom in Savannah

when she was a teenager.

I'm closing my eyes! I can't see!

Don't make me pry your eyelids open

because you know that I will do it.

You see that sign? Hobo's Ham?

Not a good name for a restaurant.

It's like you're eating a homeless person's pork.

Pork that he probably had to fight off other hobos to get,

the way seagulls do.

Well, they never franchised

because there's only one in the state

and it's in a town called...

Nandina.

Blair. I'm losing feeling in my hands.

If I let you up, will you promise to listen to me and not slap me?

I mean, considering you ruined my entire life,

I think you need to hear me out.

Fine, yes. I swear!

Okay. Listen.

I looked through all the photo albums

and there is not one picture of Mom before college

except from that box that she gave us.

So then I Googled, "Debbie Culpepper, Georgia."

Oh, look, there's Mom's old manifesto for the PTA coup.

"Why Wallis Williams is unfit to lead."

Mom was Miss Teen Georgia Peach, right?

- Mm. - There's nothing about that here.

It's like everything that happened before 1999 in her life

has been completely scrubbed.

Maybe it was that Y2K thing we learned about

where old people freaked

because they thought computers were going to eat them.

I know I'm right,

and after school I'm going to Grandina...

- Nandina. - Shut up!

I'm going there, so find your own ride home after school.

What if I go with you?

- How would I know you'd show up? - We could go right now.

Like, now now?

Yeah, like, skip school and hit the road.

Miss Perfect is suggesting we skip school.

Well, if you want to go, then I want to be there for you.

Fine, but I'm driving...

- and I'm still mad at you. - Noted.

- I'm not gonna be at school today. - Are you sick?

Tell me your symptoms. I carry Oscillococcinum and Zinc in my bag,

but do I need to Postmate some antihistamines?

I can't get sick.

I'm not sick. I'm skipping.

But only slackers headed for City College skip.

What's going on?

Did you tell Blair about us? Did she flip out?

Are you on a Greyhound heading west to start a new life?

I haven't told her yet.

I want to take the day with her,

give her the space to absorb it.

Miles broke up with her and she's going through some stuff.

Miles?

You know Miles. He parks cars at the club.

- You've seen him. - Oh, right, the tall black guy?

- Don't say that. - Why not?

He's tall and he's black.

Ezequiel calls you "the white girl with the eyes."

Will you wipe and move it out already?

I'll call you later.

I miss your lips.

I miss your lips.

I miss your hair.

I miss your smell.

Oh, hey.

What are you two doing here?

I didn't blow my helper whistle.

Who was that?

My... perfumier.

- Hm. - We're working on a new scent blend.

He's French, so we kiss goodbye.

So... what's the scent?

We're working on it.

There are notes of...

hickory.

Hmm.

What happened last night?

You were supposed to come to my house for dinner.

Here. I brought you your lamb chops.

Something came up.

Do you think "Don't Stop Believin'" is inappropriate?

Let me guess, Sterling Wesley has boring taste in music.

Surprise, surprise.

She's more eclectic than you think.

Oh. Is she?

Look, crafting a playlist is difficult. Okay?

Now, did you two make the list for the Costco run yet?

Because a lock-in without snacks

is basically solitary confinement,

but with lots of other people,

so... worse.

My point is, make the list. Okay?

And include breath mints.

It's a long night. I gotta go.

Do we want a taser?

Why not? Throw it in.

I'm not seeing handcuffs.

Check in the desk.

You find some?

No, but I found something else. Come here.

Oh.

That does not look like a comfortable position to sleep in.

- He'll be achey. - He should stretch.

I don't think Bowser stretches.

He has the posture of a fishhook.

We could show him some stretches.

Like the warm-up we learned when we had Zumba for PE?

Left arm reach, right arm reach,

Swirl your hips like you're on the beach...

- Okay. - Left arm reach...

So, this is how I die?

Laying on the floor while two white ladies Zumba over me.

Stop, please stop. Please stop! Stop.

We woke him up.

- Good morning! - Hi!

Why are y'all here?

Why are you here, huh?

This is my damn office.

I can be here any damn time I please.

Well, damn.

Shouldn't y'all be at school?

Yes, we are doing a self-defense demonstration for PE

and, uh, it's graded and everything,

and Sterling forgot to prepare

because she's been forgetting a lot of important things lately,

for which there are really no excuses,

and often, very serious consequences.

For which she is genuinely and sincerely very sorry.

So, we need to borrow some self-defense demonstration things.

Have at it.

Bowser?

Mm-hm.

Why do you smell like a gas station that sells wine?

Because I bought wine at a gas station!

After I left Yolanda's house.

After I found her there with Terrance.

After I thought, "Do I have feelings for Yolanda?"

After I went there to tell her I had news about the Fren-Z case

and maybe ask her out for some soft tacos.

After I told her

I wasn't working with her anymore, and I quit.

- No. Uh-uh. - No, yeah.

You have got to go and get that case back.

- No... - I lost the only man

I'll ever love for that case.

Yeah, okay?

You have to go back and fight for Yolanda.

Offer her hard tacos.

And yes, Terrance may be a very charming, good-looking man

with a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in his eye,

but... but you are Bowser!