Parks and Recreation

- HI, THERE. -

- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - PUPPY.

- A PUPPY'S HERE. - CAN WE KEEP HIM?

- MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG HAD A LITTER.

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO ADOPT.

I LOVE HIM.

- I WISH HE HAD TINY PUPPY SHOES.

I WOULD TOTALLY SHINE HIS LITTLE SHOES FOR FREE.

- AW. - I DO SAY THE CUTEST STUFF.

- LOOK, I LOVE A GOOD DOG AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,

BUT THIS BUILDING DOESN'T ALLOW ANIMALS.

ANDY, TAKE HIM OUTSIDE. - AND SHOOT HIM?

- NO. JUST KEEP HIM OUTSIDE. - OH, COME ON, RON.

I'M JUST A LITTLE PUPPY. I AIN'T DONE NOTHING WRONG.

I'M JUST A PUPPY. MM. I LIKE YOUR MUSTACHE.

I WISH I COULD HAVE ONE, BUT I CAN'T.

'CAUSE I'M JUST A LITTLE PUPPY. MM, MM, MMM.

- OKAY, TAKE HIM OUT AND SHOOT HIM.

*

- FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! - WHAT? WHERE?

IN MY BELLY.

BECAUSE THE "24-HOUR PAWNEE CARES DIABETES TELETHON"

STARTS TONIGHT.

- GOODIE. LET US KNOW HOW IT WENT.

- EVERY YEAR, PAWNEE CARES TEAMS UP

WITH THE LOCAL CABLE ACCESS STATION

TO RAISE MONEY FOR DIABETES RESEARCH.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT,

BECAUSE PAWNEE IS THE FOURTH FATTEST TOWN

IN THE U.S.

GOES US, UH, DALLAS, TULSA,

AND CERTAIN PARTS OF THE MALL OF AMERICA.

WELL, THIS YEAR,

I GET TO PROGRAM MY OWN FOUR-HOUR BLOCK.

I KNOW. EXCITING.

SO, UM, I'VE SIGNED YOU ALL UP FOR MULTIPLE SHIFTS.

YEAH. JUST TO ANSWER PHONES AND PROVIDE MORAL SUPPORT.

- FROM WHEN TO WHEN? - TONIGHT.

00 AM 00 AM.

- WHAT? - WHAT?

- LESLIE, PLEASE. TONIGHT'S KIND OF A BIG NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, ALL MY KIDS ARE AWAY AND...

- GROSS! NO! IT'S JERRY'S SEX NIGHT!

THAT RUINS SEX AND TONIGHT.

- LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON ONE OF THESE T-SHIRTS?

IT'LL GET YOU IN THE MOOD.

I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT MAKING THESE.

YOU STAYED UP ALL NIGHT

THE NIGHT BEFORE AN ALL-NIGHT TELETHON.

- YES. AND HERE'S WHY. BOOM.

- "DIABETES. LET'S DIA-BEAT-THIS."

- YEAH. FOUR HOURS TO COME UP WITH THE SLOGAN.

FOUR HOURS TO EMBROIDER THEM.

- TIME WELL SPENT. - SALAD SUCKS.

THERE. I SAID IT. - FEEL BETTER?

- YEAH. - I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.

I'M NOT GONNA ASK ANN TO MOVE IN WITH ME.

WHY? IS SOMETHING WRONG?

- NO. I'M GONNA ASK HER TO MARRY ME.

- - I LOVE HER.

AND, UH, I WANT A PARTNER. - HORSEBACK.

YOU SHOULD ASK HER ON HORSEBACK.

NO. YOU SHOULD ASK HER IN A HOT AIR BALLOON.

NO. SHE SHOULD BE ON A HOT AIR BALLOON

AND YOU SHOULD RIDE UP ON HORSEBACK.

OH, WAIT. SHE'S IN A BALLOON.

YOU RIDE UP ON HORSEBACK. YOU POINT TO THE SKY.

UP THERE, SKYWRITING "MARRY ME, ANN."

- I THINK I CAN FIGURE OUT THE RIGHT WAY TO ASK HER.

- HOW YOU ASK SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU IS A VERY BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO REPEAT THAT STORY

FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

- SO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO IT, THOUGH?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. DEFINITELY.

CAN YOU GET FIVE EAGLES? NO, GET TEN EAGLES.

- LESLIE. - NO, IT'S YOU'RE LIFE.

GET AS MANY EAGLES AS YOU WANT.

SO, TOM, YOU'RE IN FOR TONIGHT, RIGHT?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

I CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE TELETHON TONIGHT

BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEING THERE.

OKAY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE

OF THE V.I.P. SPECIAL TELETHON GUEST.

AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHO I GOT.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA FREAK OUT.

- RIHANNA. - NO.

- DR. OZ. - NO. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GUESS.

- JUSTIN BIEBER. - NO.

EX-INDIANA PACERS SMALL FORWARD DETLEF SCHREMPF.

THE DETLEF SCHREMPF?

- I KNOW! SO IT'S REALLY EXCITING.

AND I NEED YOU TO BE HIS BODY MAN.

PICK HIM UP AT THE AIRPORT 00 PM AND THEN, YOU KNOW,

JUST ENTERTAIN HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T NEED

TO BE IN HAIR AND MAKEUP 00 AM.

- DOES PAWNEE CABLE ACCESS EVEN HAVE HAIR AND MAKEUP?

- WELL, THEY HAVE A COMMUNAL LIPSTICK

AND A BOX OF COMBS.

- AS A NURSE AND AS YOUR FRIEND,

I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU DON'T TRY TO STAY UP

FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

I CAN DEFINITELY DO IT.

I'VE ALREADY BEEN UP FOR 24 HOURS.

BUT I HAVE A SECRET WEAPON.

NUTRIYUM BARS? LESLIE.

- I KNOW. I KNOW. THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

BUT THEY GIVE ME AN INSANE 15-MINUTE BURST.

PLUS MY NANA USED TO TELL ME "YOU'LL SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DEAD."

MY NANA, SHE USED TO SAY THE BEST STUFF.

"DON'T WORK YOURSELF INTO A LATHER."

"LOOK WHERE IT IS AND YOU'LL FIND IT."

"DON'T PUT ME IN A HOME."

"TELL THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL."

"THE DEVIL KNOWS WHERE YOU'RE HIDING."

"IF YOU TAKE ENOUGH RIDES WITH THE DEVIL,

PRETTY SOON HE'S GONNA DRIVE."

SHE WAS REALLY INTO THE DEVIL.

I HAVE NOT CHECKED IN WITH YOU LATELY.

I'M RANDOMLY AND CASUALLY ASKING

HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH MARK?

- THINGS ARE GOOD. - DO YOU THINK HE'S THE ONE?

- THE ONE? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

- GOOD. - I'M HERE.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

- UM, I HAVE YOU ON PHONE ANSWERING DUTY

00 TO 6:00 AM.

- THAT'S HORRIBLE. I HAVE TO NAP UP.

IF I DON'T GET A SOLID FIVE, IT KILLS MY SUNNY DISPOSITION.

- GOT ENOUGH LEG ROOM BACK THERE?

- YEAH. YEAH. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT SO FAR UP.

YEAH, I DO.

SO...DETLEF SCHREMPF...

THREE-TIME NBA ALL-STAR.

TWO-TIME SIX-MAN AWARD WINNER.

MUST'VE BEEN PRETTY COOL TO BE TRADED TO THE PACERS

IN EXCHANGE FOR VETERAN CENTER HERB WILLIAMS.

SO YOU LOOKED ME UP ON WIKIPEDIA, HUH?

NO. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU APPEARED IN TWO EPISODES

OF THE GERMAN SOAP OPERA GUTE ZEITEN, SCHLECHTE ZEITEN.

- WHAT, YOU A BIG FAN OF THAT SHOW?

HUGE FAN.

HUH? OH, 6'10".

- I'M 5'6" AND THREE-QUARTERS.

- ALL RIGHT, TEAM, YOU GUYS PSYCHED?

JUST REMEMBER, ALL YOU NEED TO DO

IS TAKE DOWN EVERYBODY'S NAME AND ADDRESS

AND ASK THEM HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO DONATE.

HEY, DO THESE PHONES DIAL OUT?

- YES. WHY? - NO REASON.

- LESLIE, YOU KNOW WHAT, MY PHONE HAS 25 LINES.

I THINK IT MIGHT BE A SWITCHBOARD.

- CONGRATULATIONS THEN. YOU GOT THE MOST LINES.

FIGURE IT OUT, JERRY. - COME ON, JERRY.

EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE LINE.

OH, SO, LESLIE,

I HEAR YOU'RE GONNA BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA THIS YEAR.

- YEAH. IT'S EXCITING. - CUT THE CHATTER.

TELEHOSTING NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS, OKAY?

THIS ISN'T C-SPAN. THIS IS LOCAL ACCESS 46.

DON'T BLOW IT.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME

TO THE 10TH ANNUAL PAWNEE CARES DIABETES TELETHON.

I'M PAWNEE TODAY'S JOAN CALLAMEZZO.

- AND I AM NOT A CROOK. BRR.

NO, HE'S NOT.

- WHAT TIME IS IT? I'M TIRED ALREADY.

03.

YOUR SHIFT DOESN'T START FOR ANOTHER SIX HOURS.

UGH.

DIABETES. YUCK.

TONIGHT WE'RE HOPING THE PEOPLE OF PAWNEE

DIG THEIR BIG, CHUBBY HANDS INTO THEIR PLUS-SIZED POCKETS

AND DONATE GENEROUSLY.

- WE'RE WACKY STUFF.

STOP IT.

- COMING UP, A VERY SPECIAL VIDEO PRESENTATION

CALLED "EVEN MY TONGUE IS FAT: THE STORY OF PAWNEE."

BUT RIGHT NOW, TO BEGIN WITH,

LET'S START THINGS OFF ON OUR TELETHON WITH A SONG.

FROM PAWNEE'S MOST BOOKABLE PERSONALITY, DENISE YERMLEY!

[piano plays "Sweet Dreams "]

- * SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS *

PAWNEE CARES.

- HELLO. HELLO. HERE WE GO.

HEAD UP THERE. THANK YOU. - YEAH, $50 IS GREAT.

- HELLO. WHO--PAWNEE... - PAWNEE CARES.

- WHO'S NEXT? I FEEL GREAT. EVERYTHING IS RUNNING SMOOTHLY.

- * SOME OF THEM WANT TO USE ME *

* SOME OF THEM WANT

- CLIPBOARD MOUTH. CLIPBOARD MOUTH.

THERE'S SOME SECRET INGREDIENT IN THESE NUTRIYUM BARS

THAT MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD.

- SUGAR. IT'S A BLOCK OF SUGAR.

AAH!

LESLIE.

LESLIE! - TIGERS.

- HEY, YOU TOLD ME 45.

- YEAH. 45 NOW.

I'M UP.