I Feel Bad

Here's what every woman knows:

We feel bad about something

almost every day.

Like sometimes, I cheat on my husband in my sleep.

Wait, babe...

Ugh.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I know that look.

You had that dream again, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, but I am so cool with it if you had

- a good dream too, babe. - I dreamt a giant hawk

took the baby.

I'm gonna check on him.

Every morning is totally nuts around here.

My kids act like psychos, my husband can never

find anything, and I eat expired baby food

for breakfast.

I never know what I'll feel bad about,

but I know it's always just around the corner.

Hello.

Mama's running off to work, huh?

Fancy career lady abandoning her kids.

Come on, Ma, you were a stay-at-home mom

and you still screwed up Emet.

- Right, babe? - Mm-hmm.

I mean, let's be honest... I don't have

a tiny nervous bald spot for nothing.

I was a very good mother.

It's not possible for me to have made all those healthy,

healthy snacks and still screw you up.

You used to throw your shoes at me.

And you would duck like a tiger...

because of my healthy, healthy snacks.

Mom, I don't need to sculpt melon balls

to connect with my kids, okay?

I mean, I read with Louie, I go to all of Lily's

- Quiz Bowl events... - I quit Quiz Bowl.

My friends and I are gonna do dance team instead.

- What do you mean? - You quit Quiz Bowl?

- I hated it. - Well, you don't have

to like it. You think I like everything

- I do? - Why can't you just be happy

I'm on the dance team?

I don't like dancing these days.

All that gyrating

and shaking.

Okay. Yeah, let's go

before this creeps in to your long-term memory.

Go, go, go.

Come on, Jakey.

Honey!

Grandpa and I are going to take you to our house

- where it's clean. - I am so sorry

we can't afford a stranger to take care of you.

Hmm.

Why do I even buy all this fruit?

There you are. Let's head home, Maya.

- Dad, what the hell? - I'm sorry!

I... I thought you were your mother.

- What? - What?

You remind me of her sometimes.

Just in how you look and sound and act

and where you carry your weight.

And there it is:

My feel-bad for today.

My dad smacked my ass because he thought

I was my mom.

- All right. - Kids are ready to go,

I am ready to go. Bye.

- Okay. - Hey. Do you find

my mother attractive?

Is this 'cause I saw her get out of the shower

that one time? I got Bell's palsy from that.

Well, then how can you find me attractive?

Because I already kind of look like her,

and it's only gonna get worse.

Okay, this seems like a trap.

I mean, it's a good one, I'll give you that.

- You know what? - What?

You can't answer this question.

You love me.

I need a more objective opinion.

Wait, so you want me to be into your mom?

I knew exactly where to get my objective opinion:

I love my job.

I'm head artist at a video game company,

We have air hockey, hover boards, a rock wall...

the guys say it helps their creativity.

Anyway, I'm the only woman on my team.

Hey, guys. That's Norman.

He's sweet and sensitive.

Hux is spacey, Chewey's damaged but smart,

- and Griff is all about Griff. - ...at the same time.

They can be weird, but we're buds

and I can talk to them about anything.

Since we need a female protagonist

for the new game, I stayed up late

sketching more empowered women for a change.

Not again.

Just give it a shot.

Look, check her out. She's badass, right?

She looks like Tomb Raider's boring aunt.

- Wow, Sasquatch. - Uh-uh.

Okay, okay. How about her?

Come on, you know she can fight.

- Yeah, she's on roids. - She looks like my dad.

I don't even know why I try.

- Who else has something? - Uh, I got this sketch

of a dragon destroying the Statue of Liberty.

It's not for work but it's pretty cool.

Wait, really?

That? Okay, okay.

Sorry, just...

While we're sharing, I just want to shift

the conversation a little bit. Something happened

this morning, and I'm kind of in my head about it.

So I just need you guys to be

really honest with me, okay?

Just tell me the truth.

I'm still do-able, right?

Uh...

- What... uh... - Hypothetically speaking.

Sorry, I'm starting to spiral. Could someone just jump in?

Anyone, say something.

I'm a "yes."

You do have a nice face.

Thank you, Norman. I appreciate the honesty.

Yeah, but that...

that face doesn't seem so fresh.

- I like a fresh face. - I would like to retract

my previous statement. I also like a fresh face.

They're lying.

- We'd all do you. - Interesting.

Interesting! Okay!

Hux, please continue.

It's like pizza: even if it's not

the greatest pizza, some pizza is better than no pizza.

Uh-uh. No, okay,

that analogy's flawed.

It's more like pizza that's stale

and fallen between the sofa cushions

versus pizza that's hot and fresh.

That's what you mean, right? Do we want, like,

older sofa pizza

that has three kids at home?

Is it just me, or does pizza sound

really good right now?

Not talking about you.

Okay, you know what? Forget looks.

We all know that your minds are warped

from drawing chicks with giant bowling ball boobs all day.

By the way, if I woman had those proportions,

- she'd snap in half. - Bilaterally

- or top to bottom? - I don't know, Chewey.

All I'm saying is having a cool, fun personality

is way more important.

- True. - Thank you.

- You kind of nag sometimes. - Oh, yeah.

- What? - And you're critical,

which is why I, hypothetically, wouldn't do it with you.

I mean, I can just hear it:

"Chewey, your grunts are too feminine.

"Chewey, how come your belly's shaped weird?

Chewey, how can you be this sweaty already?"

Chewey, you're grossing me out.

Yeah, that would be another one.

Okay, fine.

Maybe I have some flaws.

Well, you guys could stand to take a look at yourselves.

I mean, when did nerds get so damn picky?

Nerds are cool now. We date models.

Right, Hawking?

Yeah. Good boy.

Good boy. Yeah.

You know, at first I was like, "Who cares

what those nerds think?" But then I thought,

"Those guys have a point.

I can be critical and naggy."

I mean, when Lily told me she's joining dance team

I treated her exactly the way my mom treated me

- when I was her age. - Crap.

- You threw your shoe at her. - No!

My mother's the shoe-thrower. But I did kind of crush

her spirit and act unsupportive.

You know what? I'm gonna support her.

I don't have to turn into my mother.

I'm a badass woman with a will of iron.

You stopped yourself giving birth to a baby

in a taxi, and you were crowning.

Yeah, you're damn right I did, because if I wanted

an Indian person to yell at me while I was giving birth

I would have let my mom into the delivery room.

Maya.

You look fetching.

I'm smitten by your appearance this evening.

What's wrong with you, man?

Don't make me fight you for her.

- What are you doing? - I'm addressing

- your concern from earlier. - Don't do it like that.