Best Man Down

Hi. It's me. Um...

I know you're in Arizona for the wedding, but I really need...

I just wanna talk to you.

Okay? So can you please call me back?

Okay, everybody.

Let's get on the dance floor for the Minnesota bride and groom,

Mr. and Mrs. Scott Thomas.

What do you think?

- This is my best day ever. - No. Best day?

- Mm-hmm. - It's pretty good.

Yeah. How about you?

- Is it my best day ever? - Yeah.

Excluding the bachelor party, right?

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Of course it was.

I gotta be honest though.

I'm pretty open-minded about talking about the honeymoon.

- Really? - Yeah, I am.

You and me and a bottle of red.

Deserted beach in Cabo.

- I like the sound of that. - Me too.

Let's say good-bye to our closest 75 friends and family.

Who wants a shot, baby?

Come on. Little tequila for the bride and groom?

I'm still good with champagne, Lumpy.

Yeah, maybe when this dance is over. Okay?

- Uh-oh. - Yeah.

- It's over. - It sure is.

Come on. Come on. You gotta celebrate, right?

Come on. You only get married once.

You know, until you turn 40 and you trade in

for the newer, sleeker, better-looking models.

- I'm kidding. - He's kidding.

- Okay, one time. - All right!

Oh, shit. I thought you had...

- My dress. - I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. It's not a big deal.

Kristin, I'm really sorry. I didn't...

I thought she was...

Kristin insisted on this destination wedding.

I would have loved a Christmas wedding in Minneapolis.

That would have been lovely, too.

But, you know, I told her

that it was gonna cost everybody a fortune

to fly down to Phoenix.

Honestly, you can't even tell.

Will you button the little buttons on the back?

Be careful.

You don't wanna rip a $2,000 dress.

It was 3,000.

- Does Scott know that? - Mm-mmm.

Man, I really, really hope I didn't ruin her dress.

Oh, my God. Would you stop it?

And even if you did, when is she gonna wear the thing again?

- I like the way you think. - That is good.

- Oh. - Hey, man.

Thanks again for that loan.

- Yeah. Sure, sure. - No, I... I mean it.

That was too much.

Well, consider it a wedding gift, okay?

Oh, what are you talking about?

No. I'm paying you back for that. It was way too much.

No, I'm serious. I didn't get you a wedding gift.

- Take the cash. - I can't.

- Take it. - Well...

- Did you just kiss your tie? - No, I'm...

I've got drool.

- Oh, that's charming. - Thank you.

You know the thing is...

I need it. I'll be honest with you.

It's embarrassing, but I had no idea

the honeymoon was gonna cost so much

and Rick screwed me so hard on that commission.

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty. Just stop.

- I love you, man. - Oh, boy.

- I do. - Okay.

Yeah, I do. I wanna touch you.

- Oh, come on. - I wanna get my hands on you.

- Okay. - Okay. Is it too much?

- That is too much. - All right. I got carried away.

Just man up and drink, would you?

What is this?

- I'm not even sure what it is. - Oh, my God.

You know, I didn't say anything

when Lumpy gargled champagne during his toast,

or he decided to helicopter a 6-month-old

during the groom's dinner.

He kept referring to himself as "The Baby Whisperer."

No. It's not funny.

The kid vomited mashed peas all over the lobby.

We have to pay for that.

Barkeep, another one.

How about a kiss? Come on.

All right, I'm up. All right. All right.

Yeah. Yeah.

I... I'm all right.

Set 'em up! Let's go.

- Lumpy, man. - Hey.

- All right. All right. - Yeah.

Hey, buddy, I... Why don't you call it a night, man?

- Hmm. What? What? - Time to pack it in.

- What? - Yeah.

- You're cutting off... - Dude.

You're cutting off the best man?

Dude, come on. You threw up in the women's bathroom.

- No, I didn't. Did I? - You did.

- One more drink. - No, no, no. Please. Come on.

Aw! You're so lame.

You're just... You're just lame.

No, all right. Y-Y-You're lame. You're lame-o.

- All right. I know. - You're the lamest...

Ooh. Oh!

You okay?

Yes! Yeah! I'm good. Yep.

Okay.

Thanks a lot, Captain Lame. Captain Lame-o.

- Is he okay? - Yeah, he's great now.

Tomorrow morning it's gonna be another story.

Livin' in a lamish community, churnin' up that lame butter.

Sorry.

Look out, everybody!

- Shut up in there! - You shut up!

Hmm.

Come on. Get up.

Ramsey, I'm not kidding. You can't be late again.

Get up.

I'm up.

What is your problem?

Give me one second.

And don't hassle your mother.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm going to bed.

I don't know a Dave.

David? No.

Danny? My boss' name is Danny.

He might be a Gemini.

What kind of danger?

Hey, um, you're gonna have to try harder with Winston.

- Where is he? - He went back to bed.

Oh.

I should go too.

Okay. I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye.

Ms. Shirley?

She says that Dan's in danger.

You know, Dan from work.

I'm gonna tell him.

You should call her sometime.

By the way,

you never told me where you slept the other night.

Why don't you ask Ms. Shirley?

God, if you were with some guy...

I was at a friend's house.

What friend?

Hey! Aren't you gonna eat something?

I'm not hungry.

That's it?

Sorry. I have to get my day started.

Yeah, me too.

What?

I drove all the way up here to see you.

Couldn't we at least have breakfast?

Hang out a little?

It's a small town.

Hey.

Maybe I can arrange a day off next week.

You know what?

Forget it.

Jesus!

Hot date?

What are you doing here?

You know I like to watch.

I hate it when you pull the blinds, Dad.

I'm not your dad.

Dad, father, father, dad... Whatever.

I need 50 bucks.

I don't have 50 bucks.

This is really your best option? Blackmailing a priest?

Think of it as community welfare.

Isn't there a doctor or a lawyer you can hustle?

If you want me to go back to taking it out of the offering tray,

I will.

They just found him lying there?

Yeah. I don't know what he was doing.

- How... - I don't know.

A security camera caught him going out the back door at, like, 1:30.

There's blood all over his room.

I... I don't know.

Hi, honey.

Everyone is just devastated.

Is there anything that Roger and I could do for you?

No, I don't think so, Gail. Thanks though.

Well, I don't mean to upset you,

but this might be a liability here.

Mom, I don't think that this is a good time.

You know, sweetheart, you cannot be too careful.

The hotel should take responsibility.

We could blame the bartenders.

Have you two eaten anything yet?