Guys with Kids

Guys with Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Excuse me? How come you don't have

changing tables in the bathrooms?

Because this is a bar

and you're not supposed to have children here.

You know, they have little fake ID's, if that helps.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how was your date last night?

- Oh, man, it was--it was-- - Hey, hey, hey!

Wait, you went on a date last night?

I didn't know about this?

Actually, it was their fourth date.

Really? Well, I guess that Gary's

your best friend now.

Hey, man, ever since Clarkie broke the TV,

I've been forced to take

an interest in other people's lives.

I didn't tell you because you have

a history of ruining my relationships.

As soon as you meet a girl I'm dating,

- you look for a fault, any fault. - Mm-hmm.

And you get in my head about it.

Uh, "blinks too much,"

"swallows too loud,"

"doesn't offer gum."

See, Chris, what I'm doing is I'm looking out for you.

All right, because I let you out of my sight

when you went to law school and what happened, hmm?

You married Sheila.

And then you had a baby with her

and then you divorced her, right?

I need to get you microchipped like a cat.

Oh, hey.

Happy anniversary, Gary.

Hmm? Anniversary?

Yeah, your wedding anniversary.

It's today, right?

I put an alert in my calendar. Okay.

Can I get a shake with two straws for these guys?

Oh, God.

I walked right past Marny this morning

and I didn't say a word.

Oh, God.

Okay, what-- what am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna borrow these.

Excuse me, I need this.

All right, how's that look? Right?

This looks cute, right? This looks cute.

She's gonna love it, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. After that,

you can string together some of these popcorns

and make a little necklace to go with it.

Yeah, she won't be able to tell

that I spent seven seconds on her gift, right?

You don't think she will, right? Okay.

Excuse me! Dead man walking!

Excuse me!

Come on.

Will you guys knock it off?

Oh, baby.

I am so sorry.

What are these for?

Well, each one represents something that I love about you.

This one right here,

it represents your ability to find humor in all situations.

Gary, please stop being weird.

I don't have time for this, all right?

I have to get the boys to karate

and then I'm gonna go into work for a bit.

Okay, so, uh, nothing special...going on today?

Dinner tonight?

Let's just warm up what you made last night.

I loved it. Mwah.

Okay, let's go.

All right...

Cool.

She forgot.

Boys!

Your mama also forgot our anniversary.

Daddy doesn't have to get his own place in Hoboken!

Freddie is down for his nap

so tell me about this girl of Chris's.

- How did they meet? - I don't know.

- Well what does she do? - I don't know.

- What's her name? - I don't know.

- Is she pretty? - Yes. That I asked.

That's it? You are so useless, Nick.

You know I need details.

And yet, when my mother tells you about her gout,

somehow there are no follow-up questions.

I am getting Chris down here.

You don't even know what happened on their first date?

What did you and Daddy do on your first date?

It was a perfect night.

Daddy took me to the Turtle Pond in Central Park

where we had a picnic and watched the sunset.

We fed those turtles so many cheetos.

Then we walked aimlessly around the park

until we stumbled upon the Carousel.

It was closed, but your dad convinced a security guard

to turn it on for us.

It was the most romantic evening of my life.

Nick, did you put yogurt in my fridge?

Yeah. Yeah, you caught me.

And now it's your turn to hide something

in my refrigerator.

Hey, you are not here for him.

You are here for me.

Who is this new girl you are dating?

Tell me everything.

What is her name? How did you meet?

Uh, her name is Jennifer Thomas.

I already like her more than Sheila.

Hey, guys.

Guys, you won't believe what just--

Emily. You're in the room.

Fine. I am leaving.

I am gonna look Jennifer up on Facebook.

Come on, sweetie. Come help Mommy cyberstalk.

Hey, guys, I'm not in trouble.

Marny also forgot our anniversary.

- What? - Yes.

And I didn't tell her.

She still doesn't know.

Oh, this is incredible.

You gotta do something.

You gotta do something super romantic

that's gonna make her feel so guilty

that she will spend the rest of her life

trying to make it up to you.

Hey, hey, hey, if you pull this off,

husbands will speak of your legend until the end of time.

Gary.

Great. Great.

I'm gonna go to Bloomingdales.

I'm gonna shop till I drop.

I'm entering! Talk or don't talk.

It's my house.

Chris, she is adorable.

I love her. I have to meet her.

Well, we can't because Chris thinks that I'm too critical.

You know, actually, I really like this girl

and there is nothing you can say to screw this up for me.

You know what? Here she is.

Come on, go ahead.

Take your best shot.

I dated your girlfriend.

What do you mean you dated my girlfriend?

- We went out on a few dates. - When?

I think it was before you and I were married.

Were they...

Long dates?

Dude, just ask the question that you want the answer to.

Did you sleep with her?

- No, no. - Boring.

I've got some shopping to do.

You know what? This doesn't change anything.

Not gonna let something that happened eight years ago

affect my relationship with Jennifer.

In fact, why don't we have a barbecue at my place

this weekend so you guys can meet her.

Honey, you might want to brace yourself for a catfight,

because if memory serves, this girl is super into me.

But don't worry because you got the prize.

Up top.

Up top, baby.

I'm just gonna keep it up here till I get something.

Come on. Yeah.

Ernie?

Is it my weekend to watch you?

Did I leave you here?

Hi.

Oh, hey. Thank God.

Uh, wait, Sheila, why are you in my apartment?

Well I joined a gym a block over

because it has great daycare,

but I don't like showering there.

Hey, the key you have is for emergencies.

And it was an emergency.

I saw my dentist naked in the locker room.

Oh, uh, hey, who is Jennifer Thomas?

You have a lot of emails from her.

Why are you reading my emails?

Well if you leave your emails open on the screen, Chris,

people are gonna read 'em.

What people?

This is my home, not a Starbucks.

If she's going to be spending time with Ernie,

then I need to sign off on her.

Sheila, we're divorced.

We need boundaries, okay?

Uh, my emails are my own.

My dating life is my own.

My apartment is my own.

You know what? I am keeping this, okay?

Either get a new gym or get a new dentist.

[Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On playing]

The twins are asleep.

The boys are downstairs at Nick and Emily's.