Two and a Half Men

Sex is so much better with someone you know well.

That'’s why so many marriages last forever.

But it'’s true, it'’s true-- sex is better when you,

you know, you know the other person'’s rhythms,

what they like,

which leg they can put behind their head.

I'’m still impressed you can do that.

Uh, yoga.

When I started, I was single and I wanted to be

flexible enough to give myself a...

You know, I, uh, I-I really would have missed you

if you moved to San Francisco.

Aw, me, too.

Although maybe I should have waited to sell the house.

I could help you find an apartment.

Unless you want me to stay out of your hair.

Hey, that'’s the second time I said that tonight.

Actually, I really could use your help.

I mean, unless you'’re busy with work.

Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.

I love you, too, Alan.

You want to go again?No.

You satisfied me the first time.

Walden, do you believe in destiny?

I believe in

Destiny'’s Child.

I'’m serious.

Think of everything that happened

that led us to this moment.

Oh, see, that... I'’d rather not.

I know you don'’t want to talk about my relationship with Alan.

No, I don'’t. I don'’t even like

sharing a cab with Alan.

But don'’t you see? If Alan and I hadn'’t been together

and I hadn'’t freaked out when he rejected me,

you wouldn'’t be here to comfort me.

In a way, I just want to say

thank you, Alan Harper.

Yeah.

Thank you, Alan Harper.

So-So you are aware that you...

...freaked out a little bit.

You mean when I showed up to your house at midnight

in the rain or when I followed Alan for 12 straight hours

and peed in a bottle in my car?

I didn'’t know you did that. That'’s...

Look at us, getting to know each other.

So-So was that

out of character for you, would you say?

Well, I admit, I am not good with rejection.

Who is?

Well, don'’t worry.

I am never, ever gonna let go of you.

I believe you.

Uh-oh.

I'’ll let you know when I'’m done.

Okay, once again,

I will buy you another Lego mini figure.

We don'’t have to wait for that one to come out.

Hey.

Oh, you always know when I'’ve had sex.

What gave it away?

The bounce in my step or the glow in my cheek?

No, it'’s probably the, uh, text

I got from you that said,

"Guess why I can'’t see my penis right now."

I was bored.

So, uh, how was your little talk with Ms. McMartin?

You know, about that whole situation-- you and her--

I just... you know, maybe I just judged you too harshly.

No, no, I was... I deserved it. I-I was stupid and weak.

And besides, bitch be crazy.

Yeah. Well...

bitch be my girlfriend.

Oh, my God. You didn'’t.

After all the crap you gave me?

"How could you sleep with our social worker, Alan?"

"Get your penis out of my business, Alan."

"That'’s not what yoga is for, Alan."

Okay, fine, I admit it. I-I made a mistake.

I just... I Alan'’d this whole thing up.

My name as a verb. I like it.

So-So how did this happen?

I don'’t know. I just... I went over there and then...

she got all emotional

and kept calling herself a loser and then...

Okay, and then she started to cry.

Oh, crying. She used that to turn me on, too.

What? No. I-I comforted her

and then one thing led to an... You'’re a freak.

Hey, hey, don'’t call me a freak.

You'’re the one who Alan'’d it up.

You know what, maybe it'’ll be okay.

I mean, she only goes crazy when she gets rejected,

so I just have to keep her happy for a couple days

until we finalize Louis'’s adoption.

See, I just...

I feel bad, '’cause...

I mean, she already fell head over heels in love with me.

She Walden'’d you.

You know what?

Go Alan yourself.

Thanks to yoga, I can.

This is great.

Lots of natural light, hardwood floors,

and it'’s next to a Chipotle.

I can'’t wait for our first post-booty burrito.

It'’s also right across the street

from a really cute bookstore.

Remember books?

And-and you saw how big those closets are.

I could live in those things.

Not a good idea.

I already have enough people asking me

if you'’re in the closet.

People think I'’m gay?

That'’s hilarious.

Can'’t wait to tell my husband.

So... do you really like it?

What'’s not to like?

This place is amazing.

Good. '’Cause I was thinking

maybe instead of visiting,

why don'’t you move in with me?

In this dump?

You just said you liked it.

That was when I thought it was for you.

But for the two of us?

There'’s no study.

Where would I write my novel?

You'’re writing a novel?

Well, when I finish my screenplay.

Do you not want to live with me?

No, of course I do.

But I-I want our place to be perfect.

Like you.

Uh, and I don'’t care how long it takes to find it.

You have two weeks.

Two weeks?

That'’s-that'’s plenty of time to find an apartment

and finish Alan Harper: Vampire Hunter.

There you are!

Hi!

There you are!

In my kitchen.

Holding a knife.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, I peed a little, so...

good job.

Wh-Who... How did you get in here?

Berta.

I told her I was cooking for you.

She said, "Great. Clean the toilets, too."

Then she grabbed a six-pack and she went home.

So it'’s just me and you.

There'’s no witnesses.

You are so funny.

It'’s like dating Jimmy Fallon.

I'’m making you crab cakes.

What...? Really? I love crab cakes.

I know.

You told me the happiest summer you ever had

was when your family rented that house in Maryland

and your grandpa took you crabbing.

I remember when we were there and he said,

"You know, when you turn 18, I'’m gonna take you to Vegas

and we'’ll get a different kind of crabs."

Ah, yeah.

Then he laughed.

Oh, how Boompa loved his hookers.

Hey, this is very nice, but maybe next time...

Oh! I also have your favorite dessert.

Did I tell you about Gam-Gam'’s apple pie?

That'’s not Gam-Gam'’s pie.

Hey.

Oh, hey. Where you been?

Apartment hunting.

Are you... Really?

Oh, my God, you do hear my prayers.

Don'’t get excited.

It was for Lyndsey.

Oh. Damn you.

But get this: She asked me to move in with her.

All right, you got me.

There'’s no way I'’m doing it.

Ah, you'’re dead to me!

So, uh, how'’s it going with Ms. McCrazy?

You know what? That'’ll be enough of that.

Oh, sorry.

: She might be listening.

No, I'’m just...

Seriously, Ms. McMartin is a genuinely nice person.

I just...

I feel bad about, like, stringing her along.

Yeah, but you can'’t break up with her.