The Three Wise Kings vs. Santa (Reyes contra Santa)

Once upon a time, in the faraway lands of the Orient,

three wise men began a long journey

guided by a dazzling star:

the star of Bethlehem.

On the backs of their camels, they rode day and night without rest

until they came to Bethlehem to attend the birth of the Baby Jesus.

On reaching the stable, they knelt before the newborn

to deliver to him three presents.

The first, worthy of a king: gold.

The second, fit for a man: myrrh.

And the third, the offering a God deserves: incense.

At this point they were blessed

with the gift of giving presents to all the world's boys and girls.

And their names became a reason for celebration.

Since then, year after year,

Melchior, Caspar y Balthazar, the Three Kings,

have kept taking love, joy, and harmony wherever they go.

TODAY

Come on now! Move it! They'll give us the grapes here!

Calm and serenity, Melchior, a little patience.

Hey, you, hold it. Where are you going?

Stop!

DECEMBER 22

Move it!

Holy shit! I've had it up to my crown!

I knew the 22nd was a bad day to cross.

Oh, yeah? Then why the heck didn't you say anything?

Of course I did, several times,

but since you don't listen to me... To me or anyone.

I've been listening to you for 2000 years.

Don't do that, you'll stress them out.

Finally!

Good evening. Show me your papers.

What is this?

Is this possible? Here too?

They're gonna shit themselves.

Here come the Kings,

with the Christmas gift!

Watch these guys, they're very merry.

They bring the boy-child

beautiful gifts!

Green butterfish... Lemon leaves...

The Virgin Mary, mother of the Lord.

Papers.

Paco, Felipe and Oriol.

-Anything to declare? -No, sir.

What was that?

-It's my cellphone. -My tummy.

-His tummy. -His cellphone.

Out of the vehicle now and open up the back.

I'm going to open the door.

Guardia Civil here.

What the hell...?

No, don't do that, they get stressed out.

Will you give them back the...?

Lad, drop the gun.

-Don't shoot! -I can't!

-I'm talking to him! -It was an accident.

I have a wife and two kids.

No, no, we know that. Mari Carmen, Rebe and Juancar.

But listen, we have no intention of hurting you.

-Right, friends? -True, true.

Still, you can forget the HD tablet,

the speedcross trainers and the Rosanna disc, Juanito.

You know them?

How do you know them?

What is this, magic?

What the hell...?

The men from the van, you're surrounded!

Hands up!

And these guys?

Juanito,

do you want to see some proper magic?

Look,

These guys? Where are they? Where did they go?

Tell the commander.

What the hell happened here?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

What a welcome.

That was close.

Remind you of something?

Yes.

What times they were, eh?

Good evening.

What's this?

That, madam, is myrrh.

What's it for?

Not even God knows.

THE THREE WISE MEN VS SANTA

DECEMBER 23RD

BELÉN GUESTHOUSE - BEDS

We've been to the four corners of the Earth,

and this is still my favorite spot.

Yeah, yeah... I'm going to bed, my back's a mess from so much camel.

Besides, remember, we have a meeting tomorrow.

You're making it worse. And be careful with Belén,

all we need is for her to find out who you are.

What do you mean? Belén and I are just friends.

Besides, I know very well

that we mustn't get involved in the non-magical world.

Have you changed your hair?

Well, considering we haven't seen each other for a year...

I've cut it four or five times.

-Well, you look very pretty. -Thanks.

You're looking good too.

So? How's life going, Belén?

Not as well as you guys.

It's incredible, you haven't changed at all in years.

It's you, Belén, you look kindly upon us.

No, I know you have a secret...

and I want to know what it is.

They're here!

-Run! -Be good, don't run!

Sofía!

Bea! How are you?

-Sofía, you're so big! -Hello, Felipe!

Hi! It's great to see you!

Hi! How are you, little ones?

-Good, and how are you? -Hi, girl.

Hello, Paco.

What's that? Don't tell me, the letter to the Three Kings.

It's the letter to Santa. He's the best.

Why not write to the Magi instead?

They're plan B. What Santa doesn't bring, you ask them for.

The Kings aren't plan B, they're plan A,

the main course.

Santa's like the bowl of olives while you wait to get served.

Look, Oriol, I took your advice and I've been reading all year.

Very good, Sofia! Nothing like a good book on...

MYTHS OF THE KRAMPUS

Sofía, what are you doing reading this?

The Krampus is an evil being who hates Christmas.

He feeds on hate and abducts and punishes boys and girls like you.

Aren't you scared?

I don't believe in the Krampus and that crap, okay?

They're stories for little kids,

like Santa Claus, the Three Kings, Harry Potter...

You don't believe in the Three Kings?

-I believe in them. -That's the way I like it.

-And who's your favorite? -Any except the one in the middle.

"The one in the middle"?

That depends on how they line up.

We don't know if there's life in outer space!

MAYOR

But we can assure you that if there is,

they'll be dazzled by the 15 million lights

that will decorate our streets!

He's always loved Christmas. Almost more than us.

He's elected every year, the people adore him.

Alright... Are you sure this is the right time?

Hold on, I'll look again. You look, your eyes are better.

"Tra-pe-co ardu-bialen..."

But that's not the time.

It was around here, I saw it.

It has to be further down, I don't know.

Those camels...

It's further down, further down.

El Niño Lottery. A sure thing.

Thanks, but we're not interested.

Yes, at 12.

I said: "A sure thing".

You got your answer. Thanks, we're not interested.

Excuse me,

are you the new page?

She's the new page.

Sorry, they change the password all the time.

-Ana Ruiz, at Your Majesties' service. -What are you doing? Get up

-Melchior touched me! -Be discreet, lass.

I'm just excited, you know? You've been my favorite king forever.

And you're Balthazar, my sister's king.

I admire you so much...

And you're Caspar.

How are you? Everything alright?

Great, great.

Let's not waste any more time.

You have a lot to see, let's go.

I can't believe I'm about to enter the Magical World.

This is amazing. The best day of my life.

I've always wondered how you get into the Magical World

and in class they're so secretive about it. It must be incredible.

Is it here?

How does it work?

Iris scan, voice recognition, fingerprint reader?

Look.

The key.

With the key.

-I'm a real page. -In training.

Yes, of course.

The outfits are so cool!

Cool? Uncomfortable!

Listen, these pants ride up... they get up in my crack and...

Just as well we only transform in the Magical World.

Well, except on January 5th,

the day you do the parade and hand out the presents.

All that day you transform in the real world, right?

Welcome to the city of the Three Kings.

Gee!

Majesties...

Majesties...

-Where are we going now? -Patience, you'll see.