Never Have I Ever

It had been a week since Devi's violent encounter

with the coyote,

but Paxton's words from the hospital were still echoing in her mind.

That's why it's cool we're friends.

Of course he had friendzoned her.

She thought a wild animal was her dad.

As much as Devi wanted to be a chill girl that you could have sex with,

she knew the truth: she was a weird loser,

and a member of the UN,

and today was certainly not gonna change that.

Are you Princess Jasmine?

No, but thank you. She is very beautiful.

Ariel's prettier.

Where's Aladdin?

I don't have an Aladdin,

because he just wants to be friends.

Okay...

Hi. Can I have two black coffees and one large hot chocolate?

But can you write latte on the cup?

I want people to take me seriously.

Oh, can my daughter take a photo with you? You look so amazing.

No, thanks.

She'd really love to put it on her Instagram.

It's so cultural.

I don't really feel at home right now in my choice of clothing.

I mean, usually I don't, but especially today.

She's just a little girl.

Okay, sir, you don't have to say it like that.

I just don't want to take a photo.

Also, why do we have to commemorate everything on social media?

Hmm? Why can't we just live in the moment?

You were on Twitter the entire time you were in line.

You tweeted a "thank you" to a Target ad telling you to have a happy Labor Day.

- Fine. Let's just take the photo. -Go.

Okay.

You want any doughnuts with that?

Yeah, Ira, I do, but I'm fasting today.

Oh.

Is it Ramadan?

No, it's not, Ira.

Today is Ganesh Puja.

Looks like an ad for India, right?

Or at least the middle of an Indiana Jones movie, but it's not.

This is Ganesh Puja, baby.

Ganesh Puja is a Hindu holiday celebrating Lord Ganesh,

and a time to share warm moments with family.

Speaking of warm moments with family,

let's check in with the Vishwakumars.

Mom, this sari is so uncomfortable.

Why does it itch so much?

Itchiness of saris is a rite of passage for Indian women.

Deal with it.

Why can't I just wear kurta and jeans like I normally do?

Then I don't have to get half naked every time I need to go to the bathroom.

Devi, you're of age now.

Half sari is more appropriate.

Ew, Mom. Don't say "of age."

It makes me sound like a girl in a douche commercial.

-What is douche? -OK, everyone stop talking about douche.

Lord Ganesh doesn't need to see my daughter

in ripped jeans and a "Fries Before Guys" t-shirt.

Nalini was a little on edge.

This was the first puja they had gone to

since Mohan's untimely death and Devi's paralysis.

Last week, Mrs. Iyengar asked if we were going to show up at puja,

or whether we, quote, "had too much going on."

I could just hear the pity in her voice.

Too much going on, for Ganesh Puja? That bitch.

-Whoa. -Auntie, you must calm down.

Why does the Hindu Association have to have puja at my high school?

It's so low-rent.

Ben Gross's bar mitzvah was at the Dolby Theatre.

They have the Oscars there.

Jewish people know how to save.

Us, Indians, we get a little bit of money,

we go straight to Home Depot to buy a cement fountain.

We're just obsessed with fountains.

Oh, I love a fountain.

Anyway, Devi,

you know Sanchiti Bhattacharyya will be at puja, right?

You remember her useless white husband Ron?

Turns out, he's not that useless after all.

He runs the most exclusive college counseling company in LA.

Ninety percent of their kids get into Ivy Leagues.

And they are so elite,

they don't even count Cornell and Penn as Ivies.

He's so successful, he has his own Tesla.

I Zillow-ed his house.

Do you want to know what the Zestimate was?

One point eight million dollars!

-Whoa. He loaded. -Yes, he is.

Now, Ron doesn't take many kids, so...

if you want to go to Princeton, you know what you need to do.

I'm on it, Mom.

Winning over old-ass teacher types is my super power.

Good girl.

Oh, god. Aunties approaching.

Don't look.

Where? Where should I not look?

Damn it, Kamala.

Aunties are older Indian women who have no blood relationship to you,

but are allowed to have opinions about your life and all your shortcomings.

You have to be nice to them because you're Indian.

It's so good to see you, and Devi,

what a relief to see you're no longer a cripple.

What a miracle.

I prayed for her every day.

I said, "No matter why you have chosen to curse them,

please cure her as a reward for my virtue."

Thank you. I'm sure your prayers did it.

Yes. Thank you for thinking of us. How is Arjun?

You know Arjun. He just installed a home theater.

Two rows of seats. Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

Popcorn machine coming soon.

Sunu, they don't care about your stupid home theater

with all they've been through.

I know exactly how you feel.

My husband, Pradeep, had testicular cancer.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, no. He's fine.

It was stage one. They caught it early,

removed his testicle, and now he's running the 10K.

You're right. Our situations are so similar.

Uh, you know my niece, Kamala, right?

Getting her doctorate at Caltech, soon to be engaged...

to an engineer.

The boy's parents have two Mercedes.

-Two Mercedes? -Lucky.

As the aunties praised her, Kamala had a sinking feeling.

She didn't want to get married,

but she put on a happy face

like I did at the trophy ceremony

when I lost the French Open to Ivan Lendl in 1984.

I'm gonna go find Ron.

Okay. I'll just stay here and kill myself.

Even though Devi was Indian,

she didn't think of herself as Indian Indian like these girls,

which is a whole other thing.

So sometimes she felt a little out of place.

They seem cool here,

but can you imagine how dorky they would look doing this anywhere else?

That's my sister, Preethi.

Her Bollywood dance group was in the Macy's Day Parade

on a float sponsored by Ziploc.

So who looks dorky now?

Damn, Devi. Preethi's sister really schooled you. Read the room.

- Harish. -Devi, hey.

I was hoping I'd see someone cool here.

Do you know if anyone like that is coming?

Ouch, burn.

So why are you at this lame-fest?

Shouldn't you be at Stanford, like, playing frisbee with a computer?

I actually really wanted to come.

To Ganesh Puja?

At a public high school in the Valley? Are you insane?

Tell me the truth. Did they send you home on medical leave?

Are you suicidal from Accutane?

No.

Look, I know I used to clown on this every year,

but the truth is, I kinda miss puja.

Are you kidding?

When I get into Princeton, I'm never coming back.

I'm gonna be an atheist, who eats cheeseburgers every day

with my white boyfriend.

I thought I'd be that way too,

but it was different when I went to college.

My roommate, Nick, is Native American,

and he's so into being Native American.

At first, I was like, "You're away from your parents.

You don't have to pretend to care about your ancestry or whatever."

But then he took me to their campus powwow.

No one was standing in the corner making fun of it.

They were dancing and chanting,

and having a great time, and it made me think,

"Why do I think it's so weird and embarrassing to be Indian?"

Where do I start?

How about every single thing my mom has ever said and done?

I just thought, "Am I gonna be this insecure Indian guy,

who hates doing Indian things?"

'Cause that's its own identity. It's just a shitty one.

Well, that's definitely not my identity.

I love being Indian.

Real convincing, Devi.

I look more comfortable being Indian.

You need to spread Mohan's ashes.

I spread my mother's in the fountain at the Bellagio.

She was a gambling addict.

That's very touching, um...

I just haven't had the time.

You know he cannot get into heaven until you accept his death?

Oh.

I meant to ask you. Later today,

you think you can look at a few skin tags? They're under my left breast.

I'm really looking forward to it. Yeah.

I'll find you later.

This is Pandit Rajakrishnan,

but everyone calls him Pandit Raj.

He's the community spiritual leader and also really knows how to work a room.

Now, everybody repeat after me.

Just kidding. We'll do something easier.