Selfie

Eliza: When I was younger, I didn't get out much.

Ta-da!

- Thank you! Thank you. -

Oh, that's so sweet. Gizmo, you're too kind.

So when Corynn McWatters,

the most popular girl in school,

invited me, the most butt girl in school,

to her super exclusive V.I.P.-only slumber party...

- -

I should've known something was up.

That morning, I woke up looking like

a jacked up version of Annie.

And honestly, not much has changed.

Well, that's not true. One thing has changed...

now I know how to work it.

featuring Jessica's cleansing wipes

- and Drew's toning wipes. -

- - Then I reverse my bedhead...

And find my "Hairspiration."

Clear waves, full spiral, can't lose.

Finally, I put my face on using Kim's primer veil,

which was recently militarized.

All in all, it takes me roughly three hours

to look alpha, not beta.

But it was worth it,

'cause I was gonna floss at the "Women in Pharma" brunch.

Dang!

I missed it.

Now the only thing left to hope for

was that Henry wouldn't notice.

Morning, Eliza.

If you wanna go by unnoticed, you might wanna try

a milder fragrance with fewer notes of cotton candy.

You noticed!

As did the entire left wing of this office.

How was the "Women in Pharma" brunch

- this morning? - Mm...

It was really...

- Informative. - Hmm.

And, like... like, empowering.

And it totally felt like I was holding up half the sky.

- Huh. - And... and...

and "how brave," you know?

And... and also? Equal pay!

Because beside every strong pharmaceutical man...

- I know you didn't go. -

Eliza, you missed out on an incredible opportunity

to meet other women in your field,

seasoned vets who could've provided valuable insight,

one of whom could've served as a future role model for you.

I thought you were my role model.

Me? No, no, no.

Mentor, possibly. Advisor, certainly.

- Sensei? - Of sorts.

- Elder. - Okay, we're done playing this game.

"Point bees," I'm not your role model.

A role model is someone whose life you aspire to.

Do you want my life?

- M'kay. - No, no.

Not... not "m'kay."

This is something you should be thinking seriously about.

You should find someone whose path you wanna walk.

For instance, since...

since childhood...

My role model has been...

Dave Thomas.

Isn't he the hamburglar?

No. Dave was the perfect role model for me

because he started from the bottom.

If you'll quiet yourself,

there is a quote in here about Colonel Sanders...

Mm.

Basically got me through sophomore year.

Um...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Were you a skater boy?

As a youth, I thrashed,

enjoyed the occasional kickflip, ollied about periodically.

Wow. You even make skate culture sound boring.

Okay, Henry, I'll report back when I find a female role model.

And since I wasn't sure whose life I wanted,

I decided to start with someone

who, judging from her frown lines,

had a crapload of life experience.

Joan.

As someone who is way older than me,

you've had a pretty good life, right?

It's been adequate.

And what advice would you give someone hoping to attain

the lifestyle you are currently living?

You can never have too much bath tissue.

So it wasn't gonna be Joan.

Charmonique?

How would you like to be a model?

Mm, been there, done that.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm. I worked my way through college

as a hand model for stock photos.

Don't believe me? Google "Racial equality hands."

This baby girl right here

has graced some of the finest brochures, leaflets,

and prints ads in... America.

May I?

Please.

Ahh! It's like silk!

Mm-hmm.

You are the perfect choice to be my role model!

Mnh-mnh. Pass.

But you're an inspiration to me.

And I wanna be just like you.

Everybody does, but they can't.

You can't just wake up one day, decide to become Charmonique,

and then just magically be her. Unh-unh!

Hello.

What are you doing standing right outside the men's room?

Waiting for you.

Well, I really wish you wouldn't ambush me.

Okay, Henry, sure. No problem.

I can do you that favor,

just as long as you do a small favor for me in return.

Okay.

So you know how I've been trying to get Kevin to be more active

after he's been diagnosed as prehypertensive?

I did not know that.

Who knew a nugget-based diet could be so harmful?

Everyone, yeah.

Dietarily, it's always the thing you'd least expect.

- First thing I'd expect. - And yet, the kid has to eat.

- Anywho... -

Kevin has taken an interest in skateboarding.

And Eliza told me that you used to be a wood pusher.

- Mm-hmm. - So I thought maybe...

You could teach him.

Hmm. No. Absolutely not.

Charmonique, sorry to disappoint you,

but I have a lot of work to do.

She also told me how passionately you feel

about the importance of role models.

And who needs a role model more than a hypertense 10-year-old

with sleep apnea and no male presence?

Okay. Fine. Fine. I will teach him a few things.

But this will not be an everyday occurrence.

Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha.

Just once in a blue moon... like his real father.

Don't put that on me, Charmonique!

It is what it is.

I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding a role model,

until I remembered I did use to have one...

Alpha bitch...

Corynn McWatters.

Back in the day,

Corynn was smoking hot and insanely popular.

But judging by Lindsay Lohan, Debbie Gibson, and J.T.T.,

- teenage popularity does not age well. -

And I was guessing Corynn would be no different.

Oh, my God! She's...

Not exactly what I had in mind.

But why? Why?

- Look. Look. - Yeah?

She renovated a farmhouse in Provence

with her award-winning nature photographer husband.

She's got two adorable kids who model part-time for J. Crew.

She's friends with the Barefoot Contessa.

And oh, my God. She knows how to make mussels. Mussels, Henry.

Is it really that hard to make mussels?

Don't you just boil them?

If it's so easy, why don't you make some?

Hmm? Go ahead. Where they at?

Where the mussels at, Henry? Huh? Huh?

Where the mussels at?

Eliza, this person terrorized you in middle school,

elected you "most butt,"

and, in your own words, "made you feel more disgusting

than Mary-Kate's old French boyfriend."

I'm sorry. I just don't think

Corynn McWatters is the right role model for you.

The old Corynn wasn't. But look, look, look, look, look.

Not only is she a published author,

but she also has a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy,

and I want a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy.

Oh, my God! Oh, look at Hugh Dancy.

Who's a good Hugh Dancy? Who's a good, good Hugh Dancy?

All right, let's get a hold of ourselves.

Her Instagram is curated within an inch of its life.

You of all people should know how easy it is to fake perfection.

Yes, except she's not faking. I checked.

No heavy filter usage.

No suss cropping... this is a low angle.

If she had chins, we'd be seeing them.

Isn't there some chin removing app

that you're unaware of?

Um, hello. Eliza Dooley.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

There are no apps I am unaware of.

Who do you think you're talking to, Henry?

Some newborn Instagram baby?