The Unusuals

2nd squad, be advised...

man dressed as a panda robbing Frank's mini-mart.

Suspect is considered armed and adorable.

Mrs. Thayler, please try to calm down.

Sorry.

Was anything taken? No.

How can you say that?

'Cause they didn't take anything.

Why do y minimize everything?

Uh, I'm confused... you're saying there was a break-in

but nothing was stolen?

Watch this.

Okay. That's it.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

You are so beautiful.

Okay, that's enough. Please turn that off.

We, uh, rented it earlier.

It's called "Brown baggin' it VII."

You rented it.

I... I don't watch that kind of thing.

Maybe if you gave it a chance.

Again, I'm confused,

and not just 'cause I didn't see "Brown baggin' it" I through VI."

Keep watching.

Mrs. Thayler, we're not gonna stand here and watch porn with you.

And making a false 911 call is a misdemeanor.

We didn't make a false 911 call.

That's our apartment.

Those animals broke into our home and made a porn movie.

Oh. Oh, man.

Oh, right there.

Do I strike you as the kind of person who'd be the man in a relationship?

Yes.

Seriously, come on. Davis is mad at me.

He says I won't let him be the man, whatever that means.

All right, let me ask you this. Who pulls whose hair in bed?

Oh, that's... that's none of your business.

And there you have it. You're a shemale.

What... a shemale? No, I'm not.

Hey, come on. It's not a bad thing.

You're a cop, okay?

You're a cop who's the man in every relationship.

A... a woman doesn't have to be a man to be powerful in a relationship.

Whatever.

Are you police? Yes.

Please, you have to come. I just saw him.

Slow down.

What's going on? What's going on? Tell me.

I was attacked last week. I just saw the guy.

He's in a restaurant around the corner.

You have to hurry! He's gonna get away!

Okay, all right. Show us. Show us.

I'm... I'm sorry. What's your name?

Abigail.

Abigail.

I was coming home last Wednesday night.

There's an alley near my apartment.

He grabbed my hair. He had a knife.

"He"? Who's "he"?

Him.

You sure?

All right.

Wait for us back at the precinct.

Go on.

You want to do the ostrich?

No, let's do the frisky beaver.

All right.

Hey.

NYPD. Can I see your hands?

I got nice feet, too. You want to see those?

Stand up.

I'm gonna take you in.

That's my partner.

All right, hey, remember high school...

under the sweater, over the bra?

Why can't a pat-down be like that?

He's clean.

And creative. We should go out sometime.

You may want to rethink that. I've been told I'm emasculating.

Boys.

We got a job for you.

We're really busy right now.

Yeah, I mean, just couldn't find a worse time.

Fine. I'll just watch all this porn by myself.

All right. You got our attention.

The guy in the bag breaks into people's apartments and films himself having sex.

Hey, didn't sweaty Mike do something like th?

No, he killed people.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not funny.

This is a violation of the marital bed.

Zebediah, it's porn.

You know, without the violation,

it's just a really boring documentary about pizza boys and housewives.

Well, we talked to the distributor,

and he says the bagman mails the tapes in anonymously.

Royalty checks go to a P.O. Box.

Allison and I are gonna go sit on the box.

We need you guys to watch the dvds,

see if we can I.D. any other apartments.

Maybe we can find some forensic evidence and I.D. this guy.

Forensic ev... what kind of forensic evidence?

What... you think I can't say it out loud?

You think I'm shy?

I want him to say it. Ooh, nice.

I can say it.

Okay, go ahead.

Semen.

I thought it'd be funnier, but it's just... I feel dirty.

I need, like, a brain wipe.

Look, are you guys gonna help us or what?

All right, look, just to be clear,

you're asking us to spend all day and night watching porn?

You think you can handle that?

I think I speak for Leo when I tell you that we've been preparing for this moment

since the day we were 13.

Okay, Abigail,

we took the guy you pointed out into custody.

Now I just need to get a few more details about what happened.

Thank you for believing me.

Of course. Why wouldn't I believe you?

I've just been so afraid since it happened.

um, all right, you told me he had a knife,

and I need to know exactly what happened.

I like your scarf.

It's nice with your eyes.

Thank you.

Look...

I know this can be hard to talk about,

but I need you to tell me what happened,

so I can know how to charge him, you see?

I bet you're never afraid.

Um, that's not true.

You have a gun. That doesn't fix anything.

I feel safe with you.

You have a nice way.

Thank you.

We're sorry to waste your time.

Wait, you can't just... Abigail, wait.

Let him go. Abigail.

Look, no, he... he didn't do it.

No, it was him. I'm sure.

Abigail, do you mind waiting in the break room

While I talk to my partner?

Yeah.

What... what's going on?

He didn't attack her.

He was upstate at attica... just got out yesterday.

All right, so, it was a look-alike.

We'll have Abigail look at some other pictures.

I think it's a waste of time.

What are you talking about?

Here.

What's this?

I got a vibe off our vic, so I looked into her.

Abigail Allen.

She's made over a dozen complaints over the last 12 months

robbery, rape, various assaults.

None of them substantiated.

I... I don't understand.

There was no assault. She made it up.

She's a serial accuser.

So, January 3rd, Abigail says this guy tried to push her in front of a bus.

Then exactly three days later,

she said this guy tried to force his way into her apartment.

That's a bad week.

I don't get it. Why would she do this?

You know, I had a serial confessor once.

Guy insisted that he stole a truckful of tampons...

something about stopping small leaks or something.

It's an illness, Casey.

Abigail walks into a precinct, says that she was attacked,

so for an hour, for a day, for a week,

she's the center of attention.

No, I know crazy people.

I don't get that read off of Abigail.

Therere's something else going on there.

Mm. Trust me... just let it go.

No, I'm gonna go over there.

All right, look, just... just hold on a second.

Beaumont.

Yeah?

I have an E.I.D. I need a witness.

Oh. Who... Shraeger?

Yeah, it's her first one.

9:20 a.m.... so witnessed.

Good luck. The first one's always the hardest.

Wait, w... what's an E.I.D.?

It's an emotionally invested detective.

It's an acronym for a cop who invests far too much time

and energy into dead loser cases.

You're allowed one a year. This is yours.

Go with god.

Y.B.I.D.

Smartass.

You know, if you do it long enough,

even watching porn begins to feel like work.

I don't know. I've never been much of a porn guy myself.

Yeah, right.

What about Dr. Crumb?