Dads

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

God. Was that a ghost?

Hopefully soon.

I'm not looking. I'm not looking.

Ah, a brunette.

I'm not looking.

Not looking.

Dad!

What are you doing? I got to use the bathroom.

Why don't you use the one upstairs?

Upstairs is for liquids only.

Why do you always do this?

Always? How many girls do you have up here?

A ton.

Ew, gross.

I'm out of here.

No. Oh, come on, don't leave.

Where are you going? It's San Francisco.

Be happy he's into you and not me.

Thanks, Dad.

You satisfied?

I will be in 45 minutes.

I had cheese with every meal.

I'm in for a fight.

Oh, hey, um, have you found someone to do the voice

for the Wall Street game?

Just, uh, get the guy.

Uh, Doug Henderson. He always does it.

Uh, not anymore. He's in prison.

What?

He was the East Bay Strangler.

He killed like eight people.

You know, he was always talking about East Bay

and strangling, but I never put the two together.

Oh, boy.

I know that face.

That's the "I put the time in but didn't get laid" face.

Hey, buddy.

What's the matter?

I put the time in, I didn't get laid.

You know, Eli, there's more to life than intercourse.

You know, some of us actually enjoy sex.

We don't only use it for procreation.

Hey, both my kids were drunken mistakes.

Thank you very much.

You're quietly a terrible person.

I know.

Well, the point is,

as long as my dad's living with me,

I'll never be able to have sex again.

Aw, that's too bad, because Anne's single.

Anne? Your hot blonde friend?

Mm-hmm. What happened to her boyfriend?

Ugh. He broke up with her.

What? Why would you break up with that?

Well, she's a comic.

She's always doing some tiresome bits.

Oh, boy, here we go.

Look at the green-eyed monster of jealousy

rearing its head.

Extra, extra!

Girl denigrates attractive friend.

Paper, mister?

Why, sure, I'll take one of those.

Shame about those girls.

What's this? Roosevelt has polio?

Oh, boy!

Yeah, tiresome.

What do I care?

My penis doesn't have ears.

I'm deaf!

It's hard being deaf!

Life is so hard!

Where are you going? I still got...

Hey, Dad, great news.

You are going out tonight.

Really? Where?

I don't care.

I need to be able to have sex in my own apartment.

So, go ahead.

People have been having sex around me my whole life.

My nickname in college was

"Sleeps Through It" Sachs.

Of course, after I was married, your mother took that name.

Look, I-I have a date tonight.

And I don't want it screwed up. Who is she?

Veronica's recently-single friend.

Oh, a rebound.

You want my advice?

You've never been right about anything.

Not true.

When you were four,

I told you there was no Santa Claus.

You cried and cried, but I was right.

No Santa?

Uh...

No, Edna, there's... of course there's a Santa Claus.

Of course there's Santa.

Look, tonight, when I come home with this girl,

you're gonna suddenly remember that you have somewhere to go.

And then here's the most important part...

you go.

Go where?

I don't know, go to, like,

the movies or something. Here.

And I should starve to death?

And what happens when I storm out of the first movie?

What if the second movie has singing?

Okay, I finish.

Thank you.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Why... why are you finger-painting?

It's for Alden's class project.

Oh, well, shouldn't he be doing that?

Well, you know, he has no sense of scale,

and I'm just not letting those skinny-ass,

blonde-bitch moms stare down their Meg Ryan duck lips

at this chica.

Oh, I love it when you get ethnic.

How was work, baby?

It was okay, but we're running behind

on our Wall Street game. I can't find

a single voice actor who sounds like a businessman.

All right, yeah.

25% down now, and the balance on delivery.

Mm-hmm, we got a deal.

I'll take two boxes of the mint cookies, Kimmy.

Honey,

you should let your dad do the voice in your new videogame.

What? What's that? What was that?

I just blacked out for a second.

No, this is great.

Warner wants you to voice a businessman

in his new game.

Well, is this so?

Mint cookies, huh? Mmm.

Well, I'm very flattered, Warner,

but I'm not gonna sign anything until I read the contract first.

I learned that the hard way with Not-C tutoring.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What the hell is that?

It was an educational course for kids. Mm-hmm.

"A's and B's, but never a C.

That's the Not-C guarantee."

We had to move to Holland for two years

while things cooled off.

My Dutch name was Petra Vanderhozen.

Fell, like, 50 feet. I didn't think I'd even survive.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here? I thought you were

busy tonight.

Oh, right. I suddenly remember, I have that thing.

Well, listen, before you definitely leave,

let me introduce you

to Anne. Anne, this is my dad.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sachs.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

J-Kidsky. I'm fine.

Anne's a comedian. She's funny, huh?

Ha-choo.

Uh, what-what are you doing?

Staying in. I think I'm coming down with something.

Eli, put on your mask, you fool!

The virus is spreading!

Hashtag, contagion.

Ha-choo.

Morning, Eli. How you sleep?

Alone.

Can I get you anything?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

You can get my dad to understand

that when we make a deal, he has to stick to it.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. David? Um...

Uh, Eli say, uh... he...

He, um...

um...

to say to you, why...

Okay, we're not doing this.

Why didn't you leave last night?

I saved you.

That girl was a nightmare.

Eli,

your father has some skills.

I know women.

No, you don't.

You created three lesbians.

In their '50s.

Those were great relationships.

I'm wearing Margaret's

old jeans now.

This is where she used to keep her hammer.

You know nothing about Anne.

I also know nothing about bone cancer,

but I know I don't want it in the house.

You made a snap judgment the way you always do.

Anne is gorgeous, and at least she's not boring.

Trust me, you'll pray for boring.

Remember,

Joan Rivers' husband killed himself.