Eddie Izzard: Force Majeure Live

If you watch the first Omen film with Gregory Peck,

the Seven Knives of Megiddo were in that.

And this was where Gregory Peck had... His son was the son of the Devil.

He checked in his hair, and he had "666" on his head.

I don't know if anyone's ever checked their kids for that.

Do you think they ever had that thing going, "Will you sit down, boy?

"What? Come here."

"Where's Megiddo?"

But the Devil chose the wrong number. I don't know if anyone's ever worked this out.

111 would have been fine for the Devil's number.

222, 333, 444, whatever. 'Cause you'd put it on a kid's head,

and whichever way you look at it, it is the same number.

You look at the kid front-on, he's got "666" on his head.

You look at him back-to-front, and he's got "999" on his head.

He could be a future policeman.

Ambulance worker. Fire Brigade person. You don't know.

Could be "696", couldn't it, if it's in a circle?

That could be a pizza help number. "Help me, help me. I need a pizza."

Gregory Peck gets given the Seven Knives of Megiddo.

There was a whole thing. "How do I kill the son of the Devil?"

"You need the Seven Knives of Megiddo." Omen I.

Omen II, "How do I kill the son of the Devil?"

"Wang him with this baseball bat, knee him in the bollocks,

"shove a fork through his foot."

The third one. "How do I kill..." "Just..."

And there was a film called The Magnificent Seven,

based on Seven Samurai.

A story of seven mercenaries doing a final job of work,

a final gig, just for the people of a small village.

And it just showed wisdom, showed heart, showed bravery,

something about the human nature.

It all starts down Mexico way with people going,

"The bandidos! They have stolen all our lettuce

"and our cucumber, and our radishes, and our celery, and our tomatoes.

"They've stolen all the salad, man.

"They're the healthiest fucking bandidos in the world.

"What shall we do? I don't know what to do." "We must go and talk to the wise man.

"He lives on the other side of the chessboard over at King's Pawn, Bishop Nine."

"Come on then, let's go over there."

"Wise man, wise man, did you hear our story?

"What shall we do?"

And the wise man took the pipe from his mouth,

knocked it out on the head of a child.

Then he refilled his pipe with Old Holborn and Old Toby

and Old Kenneth, and Old Roger, and Old Steve. A lot of old dead people.

Then he got a match as big as a baby's arm,

and he lit it on the eyeballs of a passing Samaritan.

"What?"

"Just blew up a fuel dump left over from the Battle of the Bulge."

"What you must do is you must go north.

"You must go north and find the gringos, yes? The Americanos.

"Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner. They are good with a gun."

"Find them. They will help.

"And bring the Man from U.N.C.L.E. too. He will be good.

"And James Coburn. Good with a knife.

"And Charles Bronson. He's got a bit of a death wish,

"but he can tunnel underwater. He's autodidactic."

If one person did get to Heaven and got a message back,

we'd all go to church, wouldn't we?

Just one person opened up the clouds and went

"It's me, Janine, from number 47, Acacia Avenue, lpswich.

"I'm in Heaven. It's brilliant. Nice music. They do massage.

"No, not 'massage', but massage.

"If you want 'massage', you have to go to Hell for that.

"No, no, don't go to Hell now, don't go to Hell.

"They've all gone to Hell. They want a 'massage'."

"Sorry."

Yeah, if praying actually worked, everyone would do it.

"Steve prayed for 20 hours. He got a Ferrari."

"Dear God, Thou art stunning. Thou art amazing.

"I love what You've done with the place. It's brilliant, I think.

"As You know, I haven't prayed that much in my life,

"but now I'm catching up, and I'm going to give You 20 hours of my time.

"I believe that's the going rate for a Ferrari?

"Yes, a Ferrari. Or anything kind of fast and sporty

"would be very nice. My friend Steve got one.

"I can't pray it all in one go, so can I do it hire-purchase,

"and I'll do it bit by bit, and put an extra couple of hours in?

"Good, good. Okay, thanks. I'll be back."

It's true! It's true. I prayed for half an hour, got a steering wheel.

It's true. I had to yank it off an Asian-British taxi driver...

I have learnt one thing about fear, because as an action transvestite,

it's one of the things, if you're a bloke who's going to...

Who looks kind of blokey, and you're going to put on make-up,

you're not allowed to be that scared, you know?

You can't put on make-up, go outside, and then go, "Oh, my god! Oh, my god!"

"Oh, my god!" Can't do that, yeah? You'd draw attention to yourself.

You've gotta go out and go...

Oh, what a beautiful...

...morning, oh, what a...

"Fuck you." "Fuck you, baby."

Oh...

That's what I used to do. People used to shout abuse,

and I'd just shout, "And fuck you, and your grandmother,

"and set fire to your hair. I hope you die, in Hell,

"with a thing wrapped round your head." And we were just screaming at each other,

and it didn't really work, so in the end I started shouting pleasantries.

They'd go, "Fuck you", and I'd go, "And a Merry Christmas to you!

"Good luck to you, young man. It's a wonderful thing to hear you sing."

And that felt really good.

A lot of people are learning English, but I am touring in French.

Yes! All through France, in French. And it's not Franglais. It's all French.

Except the one word of English that I interject from time to time.

That is the word "fuck".

Just to add a little bit of spice.

Instead of saying absolument, "absolutely",

I say, "Abso-fucking-Iument."

"Formi-fucking-dable."

And "magnif-fucking-ique."

And the French love it.

I was three months in Paris, two years ago,

and one of the guys in the theatre came and said, "We find this very funny,

"and we are doing the same thing ourselves, abso-fucking-Iument." You know?

It's peace in our time. Entente cordiale.

200 years since the battle of Waterloo, we can do it with "abso-fucking-Iument."

And what I really like is it would confuse people at my old school,

who would go, "Well done. Come to the front of class,

"'cause you are doing gigs in another language.

"And stop swearing! Now, go to the back of the class.

"Come to the front of the class. Congratulations. Get to the back of the class.

"Oh, it's too much."

'Cause I do like to swear a bit, yes.

And swear words, you know, they've been demonised,

by demons, for some time.

You know, people say, "Oh, you said 'fuck'. That shows a lack of vocabulary."

No, it shows an increase of vocabulary, to the tune of one.

That's my extra word in my vocabulary.

That's what they said at school, isn't it?

Took me about 40 years to work out that comeback.

And also, the interesting... In a second language,

swearwords have no power.

l was in Holland, right? And I was in central Holland.

They had a funfair going on there.

And the guy who was operating... It was a merry-go-round,

and the guy operating the speed, he was the kind of guy who was on the bumper cars.

Remember when you were a kid, and you got on the bumper cars,

and you're going along? After about a minute, you hit another kid

who's five years old, and you got stuck.

"Get out the way!"

Then a big kid, a 19-year-old, would jump on the back of your thing

and start driving your car, and you're going, "Are you God?"

"Yeah, I suppose I am, kid."

But then he'd stay on the thing for about two minutes, wouldn't he?

You'd go, "Get off! It's my car."