Blood Cult

Announcer: Of course, dreams can come

Announcer: Of course, dreams can come true.

And there's nothing more desperately chipper

than the escapist daydreams of a man in bondage

fantasizing he is another person in another place.

It is imperative he divert his mind

from the unthinkable suffering...

agony...

...anguish.

But the bibles teach that dreams are lies and lies are sins...

...that, thus, all imagined boys

must collect penance for their existence.

Please don't make me do this to me.

Announcer: And that for those

who have been dreamed into being,

the only escape is to premember a happy moment

that will happen many lifetimes from now.

[ Up-tempo music plays, whip cracking ]

Sorry for the wait, Mr. Lawson.

We got your results, and I'd better be quick

because you only have about 34 seconds to live.

So I was -- Excuse me?

Did you say -- 34 seconds.

Starting...now!

Are you saying I'm gonna die?

Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, what you have is much worse than death.

It's sorta like...

death squared.

It's called "Consta-Death."

Consta-Death?

Oh, you've heard of it.

Not really.

Oh. Well, with Consta-Death, you'll be dying once

every few seconds for the rest of your life.

So I will be alive?

Not exactly.

The only treatment is to pledge eternal devotion

to my proprietary genetic hybrid of Hinduism and cheese.

It's medicinal reincarnation therapy.

I'm lactose intolerant.

It doesn't matter. Just pledge eternal devotion to it -- quick!

Okay, okay! How?

Sign here. Hurry!

Chim, chim! Chop-chop! Now!

Uh...wow.

Uh, uh...

Well, your new faith is up and running.

How do you feel?

It feels a little weird, but --

It beats being white.

Hey, hon.

Hey. How was your day?

The van needs oil.

Oh, and the doc says I have this thing called Consta-Death.

Uh-huh. What are you thinking for dinner?

You know what sounds good, is just a plate of birdseed.

Actually, scratch that.

I think I'll just have some eucalyptus leaves.

Or you know what?

I'm really craving a deer carcass tonight.

Whoa, bear! Hold your horses now.

Hey, leave me out of this.

You know what I'm talking about?

Bears don't eat deers, liar!

What's going on here?

I want to speak to my real husband -- now!

Where is he?!

I don't think I can bring him back.

But I'll try.

Hnnnnnnnnn!

Honey! Oh, I missed you.

How have you been?

I'm good, I'm good. How have...

Hnnnnnn!

...you been lately?

Oh, I'm pretty good. And you?

You know me -- same ol'...

Hnnn!

...same ol'.

Oh, and how about yourself?

Hnnn!

Though only together 3 seconds per year,

the Lawsons were like any other couple.

Listen, we need to have a difficult...

Hnnn!

...talk.

I think that we should start seeing other...

Hnnn!

...people.

Y-You're breaking up with me?

Hnnn!