A Touch of Cloth

A man is on a journey.

Danger follows him.

His path is not simple.

Through the wood he runs, like prey.

Oi!

Oi!

The complaint to Ofcom.

Silence, a period of anguished awaitment.

El Gringo della Morte,

commonly known as Death.

No!

No, please, no!

Don't let it cut to black!

No!

Ahem, I'm pleased to announce today's guest speaker

is Detective Inspector Jack Cloth from City of Town Police,

who will be sharing the benefit

of his many years' experience

profiling the criminal mind and intimidating suspects.

So, without further ado, Jack Cloth.

Jack Cloth.

The official Manual of Investigatory Practice,

regarded as a sacred text

by practically every member of the police force.

The Cambridge Book of Crime Prevention.

Throwing the Book at Them.

Oh!

Cop Party by Todd Carty.

- Ow! - Interrogations.

Truncheoneering.

- Ballistics. - Watch out!

Wounds.

Ow!

Useless, no amount of reading

can prepare you for being a cop.

No amount of words on ink,

no pages full of books, no nothing

can prepare you Get off me, you filth!

- Get off me! - For your first day

in the job, the violence, the men shouting boo in your face.

Boo!

Every minute on the force is a question.

Can you get a grip on the paperwork?

Can you hold it together?

Where do they keep the staplers?

And the female uniforms, come to that?

What exactly are you looking for in this corridor?

Can you handle the tension, the stress,

the unexpected gorilla attack?

Come here, come here, come here.

And you're haunted by your own case files.

Photographs of hostages that you failed to save,

bus-stop bestiality, harrowing images

you hoped you'd never see again.

Then there's the dog work.

Reviewing CCTV tapes for hours.

Staring at the same grainy black-and-white footage

of an alleyway forever, in the hope of seeing something,

anything, a clue, a morsel, something.

Anything to stop that voice in your head

that says you're wasting your time!

Drives you insane, that voice, so angry, so Scottish.

You know it's a waste of time,

but still you keep looking through this stuff,

staring at pictures of things that once were.

Images of yesterday.

Pointless memories.

Is he a hottie?

Oh, you could have told me about my hair.

No!

And ultimately, what's it even for?

So, you catch the bad guy?

Well done.

But what's really changed?

The dead stay dead and the living stay living,

until they die, at which point, they stay dead.

And you can't save the dead, I've tried!

They're just too damn dead!

End of lecture.

Thanks, six sheets of paper is a lot for a woman.

I thought I could handle it, I suppose I thought wrong.

Don't worry, we're all women on the first day.

This place'll soon kick the tits off you.

Is it that obvious I'm new?

When people have been here a while,

they get a sort of beaten look about them.

Also, this is a giveaway.

Who are you reporting to?

Jack Cloth, have you seen him?

Ask an old man.

Where would I find one?

Try the ladies' upstairs.

Thank you.

No more explaining, I've heard it before, eh?

Out the way, mind your backs!

Is there an old man in here?

Who wants to know?

Kerry, Kerry Newblood.

What do you want, Kerry, Kerry Newblood?

I was told you'd know where I might find Jack Cloth.

Boys down the station say he's delivering

an iconoclastic lecture to some idealistic-looking extras,

trying to establish his character, no doubt.

But where would I...

Try the corridor.

That's where he likes to bump into new recruits.

Thank you.

You, you know, you've been really helpful.

It's good to know there are female officers

I can really look up to around here.

Oh!

For God's sake!

Sorry, sorry.

Why aren't these stapled together?

You could have killed someone.

Sorry, it's my first day.

And your last, if you don't watch your step.

Who's your CO?

Jack Cloth, just my luck!

Why do you say that?

What do you know about him?

Well, I've heard the stories.

They say that he's got demons,

that he's washed up, he's off the rails.

But a genius.

No, they don't say that.

What else do they say about him?

Well, they say he's the sort of man

who'll embarrass you by getting you to tell him

what other people have said about him

and then revealing he's actually him.

Do they, now?

Not now, but then, at the time they said it,

that's what they said.

Hm.

Well, I'm DI Jack Cloth and you are?

Kerry, Kerry Newblood, just Kerry Newblood.

Well, Kerry, Kerry Newblood, just Kerry Newblood,

why don't you show me what you can do with a door?

So, you're fresh meat, hatched in the academy.

I'm guessing you do have qualifications?

Good ones.

This tells me nothing.

It's printed on the other side.

Top grades in fingerprint analysis, forensic examination,

criminal procedure, the gathering of evidence.

None of it anything to do with police work.

A curriculum vitae might look all right on your CV,

but it's not worth the paper it's torn on.

10 years at the academy won't prepare you

for 10 minutes out there.

That's where your real training starts,

on the streets by the bins!

Yes sir, I'll do my best.

I've seen this job break the best,

turn them from hot shot to cold shit

in the blinking of a year.

Are you sure you can handle this?

I think so.

A cop doesn't think, a cop knows!

I know so.

Think again!

Asap Qureshi.

I'm on it.

Guv, they've found a body.

What kind?

Dead and human.

Well Newblood, looks like you're

about to experience a baptism of blood.

Welcome to the rest of your life, welcome to hell.

Oh, I got you that Twix, guv.

Thank you.

We've got a corpse on the loose, Des!

Guv.

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

I've never seen a corpse before.

Well, not a dead one.

Well, you never get used to it, but you get used to that.

But you never get used to the way you get

used to never getting used to it,

and that takes some getting used to.

You never get used to that.

I've got so much to learn.

Well, you can start by making yourself

look like less like a rookie.

How?

Those heels, for one thing.

Can you imagine chasing a suspect wearing those?

Why would he be wearing them?

Doesn't matter.

By the time you've worked it out, he's got away.

And sort your hair out.

Why?

Because if you don't tie it back,

you're gonna need someone to help you hold it back

while you vomit in the mortuary later.

Right.

And the eye shadow.

Smoky shades are last year,