Desert Fiends

Whew! That was a damn long haul.

Whew!

You smell that? Did I step in shit?

Kenny, I think I stepped in shit.

No, I guess not.

You know, I gotta get something off my chest here.

Why are testicles located on the inside in the male anatomy?

I mean, wouldn't it be so much easier if balls were internal?

Kenny, what the hell difference does it make, okay?

Where else would they go? The inside of your thigh?

Your gooch?

Kenny, you're dumber than a box of hammers, man.

It's a box of rocks. Even I know that.

Now... you wanna tussle?

Nah, I don't care to fight you. I'd win anyway.

Look, I'm just trying to prove a point, okay?

Without balls that dangle,

I couldn't sack ya.

What in tarnation?

Look up there, Romero.

It's a snail trail,

left here by a celestial being

that dragged his unclothed naughty bits

across our atmosphere.

Uh, Kenny?

Kenny. You ain't right.

Look. That's from a jet engine.

A jet engine.

You know, I thought after your last company leave,

you were improving, but I guess you need

another company vacation, huh?

-I liked the purple pills. -Yeah, I bet you did.

They tasted fruity,

and it made me feel like an astronaut.

Right. Well, it's a shame you ain't made no progress.

Uh, well, other than that orderly that I choked out

and that one guy I turned into a vegetable,

I was a star patient.

All right, then, star patient.

Why don't you hurry your ass up and help me move these barrels?

There's much to dump. Or else I'll get myself put away

with you next time, and I'll...

eat all your berries and blast off, okay?

So move your ass. Let's go.

- Head out. - All right.

All right, come on.

Easy. All right, easy. Okay.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, shit.

-Man. -Whew!

This is the heaviest barrel of goo

I've lifted in my whole entire life.

Oh, man. You know what, Kenny? Forget a herniated disc.

I feel like my whole rectum's about to prolapse.

Fuck the chemical company.

Designated dumping site, my ass.

I could've just dumped these chemicals in my toilet.

You know what? Speaking of draining,

I need to go drain the tattooed snake.

I'll be right back. I gotta go.

Hey, don't forget to wipe up.

You don't want a UTI.

I'll let my girlfriend deal with that.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Come on, come on, get it.

I'll piss my pants.

Oh, here you go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Ah, shit. Forgot, my prostate. Fuck.

Ah! I knew I should've got that checked.

Fuck-- Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Come on, come on, come on. Keep going, keep going.

That's it. Oh, yeah, that's better.

Oh, God. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.

Kenny? Kenny, is that you?

Hey. Hey, buddy?

Holy shit! What the-- Get the fuck--

Get it off--

Ah! Throw my back out, at my age, son of a bitch.

That's a hell of a stream you got going on there, Romero.

Piss me a river.

Hey!

Help, Romero!

Help!

Those bastards are monsters.

I wish I'd never left for that place.

This is why you don't go into nature.

Stop eatin' me!

I wanted to live. I didn't want to die.

Why did I have to die?

Why did they do this to me and my family?

They killed me.

And my entire family.

They were demonic.

Only demons would do what they did to me!

I just wanted to look at the birds and they got me.

They owe everyone. Those monsters. Those bastards.

They're everywhere.

I can hear them at the door!

Oh, God, they're coming in.

Police are currently searching for a number

of suspicious persons in connection with

an apparently real murder caught on camera.

Oh, Margie, our little girl's outgrown our birthday song.

-I'm very sad now. -Oh, I know, Lou.

Well, when a girl turns 21,

all that's on her mind is booze, booze, booze.

Yeah, well, I turned 21,

all my mind was on was boobs, boobs, boobs.

And I still like boobs.

It's nothing like that.

It's just my boyfriend Scott was supposed to be here by now.

He promised me a surprise gift.

That boy is nothing but a wanker.

What could he possibly offer you other than downstairs itch?

Well, listen, honey. Dawn, we don't want you to worry, okay?

I'm sure Scott is out there getting you

the best gift that money can buy.

-You think so? -Yes.

In fact, maybe he'll surprise you with a trip to Cancun.

I took your mother to Cancun in the eighties.

Do you recall how I acquired a sunburn on my derriere?

Oh, how can I ever forget?

Ah, the eighties were a dream fever.

Dawn, what you need is a well-adjusted boyfriend

like your sister.

Dustin is a real winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Autumn, you see this card?

This is how you make me feel.

Sad.

I give you all the love I have and you never return the favor.

I also don't recall getting you pregnant.

I mean, I haven't even put my dingy thingy

in your love taco yet.

Look, Dustin, I only keep you around

'cause you have the best tongue game in town.

Really? Thanks.

But... you never tend to my needs.

Gross! And get near that mushroom tip?

I don't even like mushrooms on my pizza.

Yeah, that's true. They are pretty gross.

Yeah, they are.

Gift shopping?

-Yeah. What's up, bud? -Nothing.

Your girlfriend, or...

Uh, yeah, it's my girlfriend.

You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, bro.

Well, if you're buying something for your girlfriend,

I mean, I wouldn't get it here.

-Really? -Everything's so gimmicky.

You know, women like rings. You know, shiny things.

Even a piece of reflective tape is nice

if you cut it in the right shape.

Great idea. Maybe I'll stop by a hardware store.

Hardware store?

Yeah, okay, bro. I gotta go. Thanks. Uh, bye.

Bye.

Who the fuck was that?

Did you feed the cats?

I thought you were gonna feed the cats.

Go feed the fucking cats.

Why do you hurt me?

'Cause you deserve it.

-Hey, shopkeep. -Yeah.

Okay. All right. I need your help.

I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.

- Okay. - Um,

today is my girl's 21st birthday, right?

All I know is pretty much she's into, I don't know,

artsy, weird movies and really stupid, depressing indie music.

To be honest, she's pretty mid.

Um, basically, I need to get her something,

and I need it to look expensive and big, but be cheap as shit.

You get what I mean? Any events going on in town?

Well, I just happen to know about

a little exclusive desert music festival,

and I happen to have some tickets for the event.

You know, I only have 100 bucks,

and half of that's going to gas, lambskin rubbers, and burgers.

Well, in that case, I have a special deal for you.

$50, your phone number, and you'll get six tickets

to the music festival event of the year.

Who's playing?

Uh, word on the street is

Dr. Beef Curtis is doing a rare performance.

Oh, you mean Dr. Ass, that fucking asshole

who mooned the entire baseball stadium, right?

Oh, it's gonna be lit. Fuck!

Excuse me.

I should bring my main girl to that show.

Fuck it. Okay, sold.

All right.

Do you take crypto?

Yeah.

Thank you very much. Make it out to the shop, all right?

-Okay, great. Thanks. -Great!

What a strong, vibracious bird you are.

Drink up and become strong like ox.

I like your style.

Oh, sir. Sir.